Dear President Trump,

Hi, it's me, your number one fan, Dylan ( but everybody calls me "Pickle" ).

My mom told me over a month ago that you had closed the government, and I asked her why, and she said you had no other choice and that it was what God wanted you to do. That was good enough for me! I think you are the greatest president I have ever seen in my entire life! Since I am only nine years old, that means I've only seen one other president, and that's President Obama, but you tell us all the time how much of a better president you are than him and if you say so it MUST be the truth!

Anyway, I was in my room last night and my mom was watching TV and I heard some woman say on TV that you are now the biggest wimp who was ever president because you opened the government again, and before I knew it, I was yelling the "F" word at her. My mom came in my room and dragged me into the bathroom and put a bar of soap in my mouth (at LEAST she didn't use duct tape like the caravans you're always telling us about), and then she told me I was grounded for six months. I think it's worth it because as long as I am alive, no one is EVER going to say ANYTHING bad about YOU!

I asked my mom about the 800 million people who have supported you by not working while you build a wall (PLEASE remember to take plenty of breaks and drink lots of water), and she said it wasn't 800 million, it was 800 thousand. I asked her what was the difference and she gave me that same look my guidance counselor gave me when he told me I was most likely to grow up to be an "uneducated white male," but I think that's great too, because then I'll be just like the people who voted for you, and maybe you could even give me a job so I can be close to you always! One question I have is that do you let people who work for you wear their red MAGA hats inside the White House? I hope so. My mom makes me take of my MAGA hat when we go to church, and also when we go to funerals. I think that stinks. God loves people who wear MAGA hats. and I don't think the dead people at a funeral care one way another if I'm wearing a hat. But that's just how I see things.

I heard that you haven't left the White House in months, except when you went to fight alongside our troops in Iraq. That was SO BRAVE OF YOU! I also have heard that Mrs. Melania Trump has been working at Mar-A-Lago most of the time. That is so sad, I know how much you love her. It is a shame that there isn't some other pretty lady who could keep you company and be your friend in your room while Mrs. Trump is making America Great Again so far away.

I have to go now because my mom is making hot dogs and that mac and cheese from the blue box tonight for dinner. That is my favorite meal! Sometimes when she makes chicken I ask her if I can have an extra dish of sauce so I can be like you, and of course, TWO scoops of ice cream with my chocolate pie! The only thing that's not great is when I eat like you I can't stop pooping for hours and hours. One time my dad lit a match outside my bedroom door and there was a small explosion. The firemen came in their big truck and one of them asked me if I wanted to try on his firemen's hat and I said no THANK you, sir, I already have the bestest hat in the whole wide world!

I love you so much that it hurts. I hate people who are calling you a caveman. You don't look like Fred FLintstone OR Barney Rubble! Don't listen to what ANYONE tells you, just listen to ME! I will be old enough to vote for you in another 9 years! When I tell people that they tell me you will be in prison by then. They are just afraid to love you like I love you!

Your friend,

Dylan ("Pickle" )