I bury my only child today, on my 56th birthday.
I've thought about whether or not to post about this all week long, partly because I didn't want to have a 'pity party', but more so because the pain was too great, and the words just wouldn't come, until now...
I'm one of those people who always liked children, but never wanted to have a child of my own, and I lived my life accordingly for 34 years. I was fortunate to have a nephew on whom I could dote and lavish whatever quasi-parental urges I had, and then return to my preferred single life. All of that changed on May 8, 1992...
My brother married in 1977, and he and my late sister-in-law had a son in 1979. Later that year, my sister-in-law passed away from injuries she sustained in a traffic accident. Our family was devastated, but my brother most of all. He and I were close, both in age and emotionally-- we were each others' best friends, trite though that may sound. My parents and I 'stepped up' and did whatever we could for my brother and my nephew, because that's what families do: we baby sat when he worked, helped around the house, etc. ...
Much to my own surprise, I discovered that not only did I enjoy my new role as a nanny/uncle, but I was actually pretty good at it. Watching my nephew grow from an infant into an adolescent was both fascinating and rewarding. He was an 'easy child', not prone to crying, tantrums or any of those things I had seen in other children and feared might happen with him. My own insecurities about helping raise a child receded, and when I wasn't sure what to do, my parents and my grandmother could be counted on to advise me...
For reasons we will never understand, my brother took his own life on May 8th, 1992. There were no 'signs', and he left no note. In accordance with the terms of my brother's will, as well as by general family consensus, I assumed legal guardianship over my nephew and raised him as my own child. There were difficulties, of course, but with counseling and the support of family and friends, we overcame them. My nephew went on to graduate as salutatorian of his high school class, and attended university on a full academic scholarship, graduating summa cum laude with a B.S.N. . His interest in trauma medicine led him to work in the E.D. of a major St. Louis MO trauma center and, eventually, to obtain his M.S. as a Nurse Practitioner with the center's Life Flight team...
After the death of my parents in 2003 and 2006, we grew apart, although we were not 'estranged', per se. Looking around at my friends who also had adult children, our relationship seemed 'normal': there were phone calls, cards, Christmas and birthday presents, etc., but we each had our own lives...
Late last Sunday evening, there was a knock at my door. It more puzzled than alarmed me, because I don't have much company, particularly late at night. Answering the door, I was surprised to see my old boss, out county Sheriff. Even as I held the door open and invited him in, I could see from the expression on his face that something was terribly wrong. As kindly as he could, he gave me the news that no parent ever wants to hear. Like his father had done 22 years ago, my nephew had taken his own life. Again, there was no note, no obvious reason, no answers to the thousand-and-one questions I have, questions whose answers would be meaningless and unsatisfying, even were they available...
Everyone has been so very kind and supportive this week. Except to bathe, dress and make funeral arrangements, I've not been required to lift a finger. Even making funeral arrangements was easier than I had thought it would be, thank God for small mercies; the funeral director is a classmate of mine, and my family has used his family's business for 5 generations, and when I bluntly told him that I had no idea how I would pay for a funeral, he told me not to ever worry about that-- to choose what I wanted, and even if I'm never able to pay a dime, he and his family will never miss a meal. Oh, the beauty of a small town America!
I will bury a piece of my heart this morning, and I will go through the rituals and draw what small comfort I can from them. I will do it because it must be done and because I have the strength to do so, even though every fiber of my being rages at the injustice of being forced to do so. Sad beyond words, I am also angrier than I have ever been in my life, and in the last quiet moments that today will hold, it helps to say that plainly...
If you pray, pray for my dear, sweet nephew.
Thanks for hearing me out.
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I don't have the words to express how sorry I am, but if there is anything I am sure of, it is that you were the one constant in his life that made him successful and his all-too-short life meaningful.
May happier memories give you peace.
May friends and family provide you strength during this difficult time.
May you find peace.
I can't imagine. I'm not much for prayers, but I believe in well wishing and support. I'm glad for you that you have such loving support among family and friends.
Best wishes moving forward.
It sounds as if you have some wonderful friends to support you at this time, which says a lot about you.
Just a hug. I've lost family and friends too from this horrible thing. It is so senseless and hard to understand for us who are left.
I hope you find peace.
for your devastating loss
is here to support you in whatever way you need support.
and gentle blessings. May you find peace - and may your nephew find a peace that he never found in life.
too much tragedy for one family to bear. peace be with you, and with their spirits.
I'm concerned for you. This is a lot to go through. It sounds like you have a lot of support in your community, however. As posters upthread have remarked, you have support here, too.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Cher
You and your family showered your nephew with love and support throughout his life, and you can take comfort from that. Sounds like you have good friends in your town who will be there for you, and your DU family is here too. Take care of yourself, and keep in touch.
Many prayers and healing thoughts,
Miss Deeds
I am so sorry for your loss, and I understand your anger and pain.
I am here for you and so are we all. 
There are no words. Just no words.
It sounds as though you did a wonderful job raising your nephew as your son.
Think of all the people he helped during his lifetime, in no small part
because of you and the job you did raising him.
As a child of a parent who committed suicide, he was at higher risk of doing the same.
It is a trauma that a child has great difficulty overcoming, and your nephew/son
was an age where it must have deeply affected him when it happened. Perhaps the pain finally caught up
with him, overwhelming him, pulling him to identify with his father. As you say, you'll never know.
My heart goes out to you as you go through such a horrendous loss--for the second time
in your life.
Hugs. Just hugs.
I'm so sorry for your multiple losses, this one had to have been the hardest. 
May you find peace soon.
I went through a similar experience with my husband this past Dec. It adds a dimension that is difficult to work through on top of the grief.
Take care, CCD.
You & your nephew will be in my prayers.
Last edited Sat Jun 14, 2014, 11:31 AM - Edit history (1)
Please reach out to us whenever you need to share. I hope you have a good network of friends and family to lean on.
and condolences are extended to you and your family. That was a beautiful tribute to your nephew and it greatly moved me. Your deep love for your nephew comes shining through. Please take care of yourself and feel free to come on here and express your thoughts anytime -we're all here for you
Sorry for your loss, too. 
[hr][font color="blue"][center]Precision and concision. That's the game.[/center][/font][hr]
I'm so sorry.
we were blessed to have them, even for a while. We want to keep them close always. Don't want them to hurt , suffer, be alone.
My heart breaks for all those who have suffered through this.
Your daughter was lovely, and your tribute is magnificent. Please know that I understand your pain, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Such a tragedy.
I feel your pain
in the English language to express how sorry I am for your loss. May you find strength in your future days.
I understand your agony, and although there are no words that can ease the pain, the support of your family and friends will help.
Seven months ago, my youngest son died in his sleep from a heart attack. He was only 29, with two beautiful children and a wife we think of as a daughter. What is so agonizing and hard to accept is the fact he didn't have to die. We've learned he was the victim of gross medical negligence that claims 100,000 American lives each year, and the autopsy proved he had a heart disease that went undiagnosed and untreated.
I went through spells of such intense pain and agony, I just wanted to die so it would end. Depression is very real and extremely powerful, and I'm sure your tenderhearted nephew was living with the excruciating loss of his parents and he just couldn't take the pain any longer. He was still very young and didn't have the hardened skills that age brings to deal with that kind of pain.
I understand your anger and rage but you must, for your own essential health, replace it with compassion, understanding, and forgiveness for your nephew's moment of weakness. He loved deeply and there is great comfort in that.
Please take care of yourself.
I hope it gives some comfort to you that you were able to step in for your nephew when, as a child, his whole world collapsed.
This is a beautiful piece of writing. Your love for your nephew and the rest of your family shines through in every word.
Thoughts and prayers to you and your child. He'll always be a part of you.
I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your nephew/child. As well as your dear brother and his wife. What terrible tragedies you've been through. I was also left with so much shock and many, many emotions after losing my Dad the same way ... I wish you comfort and eventually, peace.
May your nephew RIP. I'm so sorry.
[IMG]
[/IMG]my heart became sad for you.
All I can do is end you love and hugs.
For your nephew
There is no depth like pain. No explanation, no second chances.
If you can find a way, there will be some easing. We are here for you, to weep along, and keep watch with you.
We buried my older brother last year.
It will take time, and chiefly give yourself that time.
John David will be laid to rest here, in this small, Southern Illinois church's hillside cemetery, between his mother and father and with the grandparents and great-grandmother who also loved him dearly:
Though it's not original, I chose this beautiful music video to be played at his funeral, because the first time I heard it, it expressed exactly what I felt at my brother's death, and what I feel again today:
May God richly bless each and every one of you, my dear DU family! You have strengthened me more than I had believed possible when I first posted this morning, to better bear what I must bear.
Thank you, each and every one of you!
though, I hope it helped in some way to release some of the feelings you are experiencing.
I am so sorry!
I don't know what else to say but that I wish you peace.
my sympathies to you for your loss.
Dear ColesCountyDem, don't know you beyond your writings and postings here, but there's still a strong bond between us all - as parents and family members. And when one of us sustains a loss like this - we ALL feel it and we ALL understand the pain. Unfortunately, too many of us have shared some version of it.
I'm glad you posted about this here, CCD. When my mom died I posted here and was almost overwhelmed by the sentiment that was voiced to me. We're a community, kinda like our own small town, I guess, and we share, we commiserate, we gossip, we exult together, and our keyboards become much the same as a back fence, I suppose. There are many broad sets of shoulders here, as I've discovered. This thread proves how many! It meant so much to me, beyond anything I can describe, to think back to all of those posts comforting me and sharing the grief and helping to lift the weight off me a little, even if only psychologically. I've never met any of these people except here on this board, and yet I feel a tremendous affection (and deep gratitude) for and connection to them all. They mean a lot to me. That's the best thing about DU, I think. The fellowship. The bonding over things, whether it's outrage, celebration, or grieving. DU will buoy you up. As Skittles once pointed out - "someone's always here."
Thank you for trusting us with your most tender pain. You do not mourn alone. Posts like yours serve us all so well, oddly enough. In coming together over sorrow, it always seems to remind about what is good. Those many shoulders are here to help carry your burden and hopefully make it just a little lighter-weight for you. You do not mourn alone.
I hope that you will find peace.
It's a helluva thing to live through, but it can be done. PM me if you need support, or an ear.
What a heart-breaking ordeal for you...brought me to tears, really. But you were right to come here to share this enormous loss with us. Your eloquent words remind us that family and friends are supremely important as we travel through our own lives. The reality that you have so many fine people surrounding you at this time of deep sadness and grief is a tribute to the exemplary life you've led. Please accept my deepest sympathy on the passing of your beloved nephew.
and PEACE
Your day went the same as mine when suicide touched our family. The confusion about why this guy in a uniform is at my door at a strange hour. Nearly 20 years later and I've never forgotten that day.
Nurse practitioner making good money, just damn. Makes no sense, suicide rarely does. My condolences to you.
RIP
My sister died last year and we don't know if it was a suicide or why she did not reach out. Why she would not seek help from those that loved her.
I can't imagine having to go through that.
This is heartbreaking.
The losses you've experienced.
I am thankful that you have good, caring people around you.
Blessings of strength and healing to you.
Just know that your story is incredibly poignant and your loss is deeply felt by this reader. You will be in my thoughts. Peace and strength to you, CCD.
Thanks for telling us about him. Take care.
Please be gentle with your heart, take care and my prayers are there for you and your son
Joining with the community in spiritual support for you you and your nephew.
Take car of yourself.
to seek comfort from anyone or anything.
My thoughts are with you
Peace...
I am deeply saddened by your loss....Please accept my condolences....I send you my prayers and a hug from across the miles....
I cannot imagine the sorrow you are feeling. I will pray for you and your dear nephew.
--imm
i acknowledge your anger. i am very sorry for your loss. may you find comfort in knowing you can share it with us. remember the love.
There are no words.....
_/\_
For we all travel a hard road.
May you be helped through this awful time, hopefully by all of us here in part.
