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NRaleighLiberal

(59,940 posts)
Sun Jun 15, 2014, 01:10 PM Jun 2014

Fathers Day - the dad I had, and the dad I am....

These "Hallmark" days, as I tend to think of them, can be pretty complicated days to navigate. Especially now at 58, with my dad now gone 7 years, and my two girls out of the house and doing well, there is much to reflect on.

As for the dad I had - I am fortunate to have great memories of the man. He was funny, gentle, sensitive, interesting, very able - and didn't even finish high school (his family was very poor and he left school to work to help support them), though the education of my brother and I was extremely important to him. I can certainly thank him for my similarly silly sense of humor, my love of gardening (it's all his - and my grandfather's - faults that I am so deeply into it), and my dislike of cigarettes (he and my mom had their most heated arguments over his smoking; later in life, once he finally quit, he called them devil sticks and hated that he ever got hooked, spent so much on them when we were struggling as a young family, and exposed us all to the smoke)....though his jobs were pretty basic and didn't pay well, he on occasion held down three at the same time so that my mom could avoid going to work herself (long story ...she had the burden of her own mother - guilt is an amazing tool - as well as raising my brother and I). He was my girls' favorite relative, the one to spend endless time on Christmas mornings working through their gifts, coloring, playing games, telling them stories. He still looms large in our lives - he is a constant presence with me as I toil away digging in the dirt. as I said...I am lucky.

And...the dad that I am - my girls, 29 and 33, are as close to me (and my wife) as ever - we've made the transition from the parent/child to the peer/friend relationships. Yesterday we spent the day with the younger who lives close by - in a few months we will be in Seattle to see the older one. We discuss and enjoy many of the same movies, music (the Seattle trip will include an Arcade Fire outdoor concert!)....we cook together, share our challenges with each other. On fathers day I tend to think back and rue this or that omission - was I patient enough when doing homework with them? Was I preoccupied with my stressful careers to the point of not spending enough time and attention with them? Whatever the shortcomings may have been have, I guess, been forgotten, because all seems to be very well now. Throughout my parenting, I called upon memories of my own father's parenting - and it served me well. As my wife and I always said, they send you home from the hospital with these little beings with no instruction manual. Talk about improvising!

Anyway, it's a good day - a quiet one....I am doing just what I enjoy doing - spent the morning gardening, will spend the afternoon watching the red sox, then we will have a nice dinner and walk the dogs. Lucky indeed.....and am thankful for it every day. I don't look for exciting or extraordinary - just days like today are perfect.

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Fathers Day - the dad I had, and the dad I am.... (Original Post) NRaleighLiberal Jun 2014 OP
Happy Father's Day NRaleighLiberal malaise Jun 2014 #1
thanks so much, friend! NRaleighLiberal Jun 2014 #2
Happy Fathers Day! Nice post! octoberlib Jun 2014 #3
Well said, my dear NRaleighLiberal! CaliforniaPeggy Jun 2014 #4
What CP said - you are a credit to your sex... Triana Jun 2014 #5
Happy Father's Day to you NRL uppityperson Jun 2014 #6
This was the eulogy I wrote for my dad two years ago. eggplant Jun 2014 #7
just wonderful...thanks for sharing. NRaleighLiberal Jun 2014 #8
Nature nuture.... Tikki Jun 2014 #9
Beautiful tribute! I'm sure your Dad would be proud... Rhiannon12866 Jun 2014 #10
A salute to your father! Cooley Hurd Jun 2014 #12
Thank you so much! Know you would have liked my Dad, everyone did. Rhiannon12866 Jun 2014 #13
Enjoy! joanbarnes Jun 2014 #11

eggplant

(3,891 posts)
7. This was the eulogy I wrote for my dad two years ago.
Sun Jun 15, 2014, 02:13 PM
Jun 2014

My father was a good man.

He was not a great man. Great men become great after their deaths. They provoke upheaval, chaotic change; they redefine society. They exist outside of society, acting on it without being a part of it. Great men are caricatures, idealized representations of society, a contradiction of the rest of us. Society points at great men, lists the impossible acts they have accomplished. It says “we can never hope to achieve greatness such as this.”

My father was not a great man. Nothing that he accomplished in his life was unattainable by anyone here. He had personal struggles; we have personal struggles. He had opportunities; we have opportunities. He was imperfect; we are imperfect.

My father saw the world for what it is. An imperfect place, filled with good, evil, indifference. He saw that injustice was an unending problem, something that can never be defeated entirely. He saw that right and power often opposed one another, and that the strong could rob the weak. He knew that, left unchecked, power enslaves all, and that the only defense against this was the struggle for justice, the struggle against indifference. This is the hallmark of a good man.

My father spent half his life defending the weak, the powerless, helping them in their struggle for justice. He did not do this for fame. He did not do this for glory. He did this because he knew that, for society to exist, good people must stand up for justice. He did this quietly, tirelessly, relentlessly. He was a good man.

Great men are defined by others. It is a judgment decreed by society. It requires acts that are visible to everyone; a life subject to the most invasive scrutiny. My father was not a great man.

My father was very private. His wants, his desires, his pleasures were his own. Some of us were lucky enough to be able to share these things with him, for he delighted in the happiness of others. He was careful to try to avoid judgment, for he recognized that everyone had a right to their own happiness, their own privacy. He respected that boundary and avoided the opportunity to judge others more harshly than himself. He was aware of his own failings, as he was aware that failings are something we all share, that make us all human.

My father could not countenance oppression; this imposition of the will of the powerful, trampling the rights of others who merely sought their own happiness, their own justice. He had a deep, abiding sense of how society should work, and maintained faith in our ability to see justice through, however delayed it might be. He understood that for society to function there must be rules that we all abide by, a process that we must follow. For my father, patience was truly a virtue.

I believe that our calling out his virtues here today would embarrass him. This is not something he sought. There was nothing in his actions that was so exceptional that he would wish be recognized. Yet if he were here, he would quietly let everyone grieve, he would never choose to put his feelings before ours. And that is the irony. The standard that he set for himself was one that, to him, was obvious and unimpressive, and yet to the rest of us, seems magical, impossible to attain. Greatness.

My father was not a great man. He was a good man. We would all do well to try to live as he did.

Tikki

(14,537 posts)
9. Nature nuture....
Sun Jun 15, 2014, 02:40 PM
Jun 2014

I suppose there are bits of me that are my father, the grey eyes, but there are definitely chunks of me that are my Father-in-law.

I came to know this family a week after my 15th birthday and instinctively (good for me, my instincts) I knew this
was the family I wanted.

This little family, with a much larger extended family, was led by a kind, funny, interesting man.
You would think that growing up without a dad or extended family I would find just about any Dad
interesting. That was not the case, in fact, I became super judgmental of dads.

This Dad, who would be my Dad for over 35 years, was the real deal and like many of those who grew up with Dads
I always hoped he would be proud of me...He was. He said so, often.


Tikki

Rhiannon12866

(202,966 posts)
10. Beautiful tribute! I'm sure your Dad would be proud...
Sun Jun 15, 2014, 02:47 PM
Jun 2014

I'm not big on Father's Day, since I lost my Dad, as well. Hard to believe it's been so long since he's still on my mind every day. My Dad was extremely smart, too hard working, as well, and a lover of people - and animals. I was the first born and he always expected the best from me...

It took us awhile to put up a stone, but my mother and I finally came to an agreement. She chose the stone and I could put whatever I wanted on it. Here's what I chose (if you can see it). I thought it was just perfect for my Dad...

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