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derby378

(30,252 posts)
Mon Jun 23, 2014, 11:37 AM Jun 2014

My first girlfriend since ChickMagic's death - but what a mess

"Anna" and I have known each other for about two months. We had some great times. But I'm afraid it's over.

We met online, but not through DU. At first, it was great - Anna and I had both found someone we could have a nice, casual relationship with. No pressure, no strings attached. We had talked it over and realized that both of us had been through a lot, and Anna had been through some of the same things that Ginny endured. We enjoyed going out to restaurants or just taking a drive through the countryside. Anna was around my age, and she has a teenage son. She has a sweet disposition and is a lovely kisser and a talented, self-taught cook.

But Anna is also a compulsive gambler who also struggles with depression. I've learned that she and her son have sometimes had to go without because of her gambling problem, which I witnessed first-hand when we visited a casino. If you or I had won $450 on a slot machine, we'd most likely take the money and run. Think of the food it would buy, the bills it would pay, or the concert it would enable you to see. Unfortunately, Anna won that $450 and then gambled it all away, little by little, in one night.

I've had to save her car from getting repossessed by giving her a loan. But when her check came in, the first thing Anna did was not to pay me back - I give her credit for taking care of all of her monthly bills in one afternoon, but then she took the rest of the money, which should have lasted her a month, and gambled almost all of it away. Now she's broke, hungry, and depressed. I was fortunate to get at least some of the loan back.

And now she wants to stay with me "for a week or two" until her next check comes in while her son stays with her ex. What are the chances that those two weeks will turn into three, or four, or more? I'm doing good to feed myself, but what about feeding Anna as well? What if she pawns my stuff while I'm at work just to have more cash, possibly to blow on slots or lottery tickets?

I knew it would probably sever our friendship, but I told her, "I'm very sorry, but I can't." And sure enough, she tells me "I promise I'll never bother you again." And I haven't heard from her since.

I'm sure I've done the right thing. I can't help Anna if she doesn't want to learn from her own mistakes. And she'd have money for health insurance and copays for antidepressants if she'd just stop throwing all her money at slot machines.

Still, it doesn't feel good. A week before, she said she felt we needed to go our separate ways, but we still kept in touch over daily stuff and things that friends talk about. Now, nothing more from Anna. No phone calls, no texts, nothing.

I wish only the best for Anna, but now it's painfully obvious it never would have worked between us. And I'm on my own again, but not quite on the market. I need to give myself a little time.

39 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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My first girlfriend since ChickMagic's death - but what a mess (Original Post) derby378 Jun 2014 OP
It sounds to me like you've done the right thing, but oh, it sounds painful cali Jun 2014 #1
You can't have that in your life. dawg Jun 2014 #2
Agree. GentryDixon Jun 2014 #6
Yes. It is natural for caring people to want to help KurtNYC Jun 2014 #29
I have to agree with this Dorian Gray Jun 2014 #32
You definitely did the right thing. cyberswede Jun 2014 #3
Take care of yourself derby. NCTraveler Jun 2014 #4
you did the right thing. Tuesday Afternoon Jun 2014 #5
Sometimes you just have to get out. aikoaiko Jun 2014 #7
LOVE the graphic! derby378 Jun 2014 #10
Yup, I think you did the right and best thing..... a kennedy Jun 2014 #8
Thank you, guys derby378 Jun 2014 #9
You did the right thing. Leave her a list of Gambler's anonymous groups in your/her area stevenleser Jun 2014 #11
I appreciate that derby378 Jun 2014 #12
As everyone else is saying, you did the right thing. Sheldon Cooper Jun 2014 #13
Unfortunately, she's an addict and not dealing with her addiction. Shrike47 Jun 2014 #14
Some appropriate music for today - it keeps playing in my head derby378 Jun 2014 #15
You did the right thing but ohheckyeah Jun 2014 #16
omg. glad u broke away. Liberal_in_LA Jun 2014 #17
I'm a recreational gambler -- and I agree with the consensus here. Jim Lane Jun 2014 #18
On the rare occasions when I have gambled, I make a decision about the "price of admission." MADem Jun 2014 #27
Addiction takes many forms PowerToThePeople Jun 2014 #19
"if she'd just stop throwing money away" Skittles Jun 2014 #20
I truly don't understand how people don't see gambling Aerows Jun 2014 #23
Gambling addiction is one of the worst JanMichael Jun 2014 #28
The first rule they teach in lifeguard class is not to grab a drowning person BrotherIvan Jun 2014 #21
Wow derby378 Jun 2014 #30
No problem BrotherIvan Jun 2014 #31
Nothing to do with the OP, but what SHOULD the lifeguard do? Jim Lane Jun 2014 #35
Apologies for the thread derail, but that is a fair question BrotherIvan Jun 2014 #36
Thanks for the clarification! Jim Lane Jun 2014 #38
You asked for it BrotherIvan Jun 2014 #39
Sorry to hear you (and Anna) are going through this Aerows Jun 2014 #22
Oh, yes, the dating scene HeiressofBickworth Jun 2014 #24
Gambling & Depression? GOLGO 13 Jun 2014 #25
Wow, you dodged a bullet. That could have been a nightmare. MADem Jun 2014 #26
what kind of check was she "waiting to come in " NM_Birder Jun 2014 #33
Disabiity derby378 Jun 2014 #34
depression could be the spark that ignites the gambling bug. NM_Birder Jun 2014 #37

dawg

(10,610 posts)
2. You can't have that in your life.
Mon Jun 23, 2014, 11:40 AM
Jun 2014

I hate to be cold, and everyone is deserving of love, but you really can't have someone like that in your life. They are toxic, and will drag you down along with them.

Being alone isn't the worst thing in the world. Not by a longshot.

KurtNYC

(14,549 posts)
29. Yes. It is natural for caring people to want to help
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 10:20 AM
Jun 2014

but addiction is usually un-helpable in one-on-one situations. The help the addict wants is just enabling. With alcohol addiction there is a saying: 'To everyone else the problem is too much drinking but to the alcoholic the problem is everyone else telling them not to drink.'

The first thing they teach you in Lifeguard training is that a truly drowning person may drown YOU in their panic. If the Lifeguard drowns nobody gets saved.

I have ignored red flags in the past but I'm getting better at heeding them and acknowledging: maybe I'm not Superman after all.

Dorian Gray

(13,469 posts)
32. I have to agree with this
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 01:15 PM
Jun 2014

While it feels good to care for and take care of someone when they have problems, there is a level of problem that enabling will just make things worse.

An addiction to gambling can ruin a life. And, to be honest, it's not your duty or your responsibility to take care of her. I'm sorry that you (The OP, not you, dawg, whose post I am responding to) enjoyed her company and are going to lose that, though. That's painful.

 

NCTraveler

(30,481 posts)
4. Take care of yourself derby.
Mon Jun 23, 2014, 11:43 AM
Jun 2014

Whether separate or apart, I wish both you and "Anna" the best. May she find what she needs to help with her problem and may you find a companion that will bring you nothing but great joy.

aikoaiko

(34,127 posts)
7. Sometimes you just have to get out.
Mon Jun 23, 2014, 11:50 AM
Jun 2014

[IMG][/IMG]

its not easy when love is involved, but you have enough information to do the right thing. When I was dating, I realized that by 3 months I knew everything I needed to know about a relationship to get out, but didn't out of some sense of romance, love, commitment, loyalty, or laziness.

derby378

(30,252 posts)
9. Thank you, guys
Mon Jun 23, 2014, 11:55 AM
Jun 2014

Anna and I are both on Facebook, but even though she has now unfriended me on FB, she probably peeks at my posts now and then, so talking about it over there is still awkward.

derby378

(30,252 posts)
12. I appreciate that
Mon Jun 23, 2014, 12:10 PM
Jun 2014

She doesn't live in the Dallas area, but I'm sure that site can find some groups closer to her.

Sheldon Cooper

(3,724 posts)
13. As everyone else is saying, you did the right thing.
Mon Jun 23, 2014, 12:23 PM
Jun 2014

And even though it sucks, at least you found out about this problem relatively early, before you devoted a lot more emotional (and financial) resources to the relationship. Good luck in the future.

Shrike47

(6,913 posts)
14. Unfortunately, she's an addict and not dealing with her addiction.
Mon Jun 23, 2014, 12:37 PM
Jun 2014

Painful for you but she would only drag you down with her. You did the right thing.

ohheckyeah

(9,314 posts)
16. You did the right thing but
Mon Jun 23, 2014, 03:54 PM
Jun 2014

doing the right thing often hurts. She obviously filled a place in your life and now that place is lacking and it's sad. It's also sad and frustrating to watch someone destroy her life through an addiction.

You're right - you need to give yourself some time.

I commend you for doing the hard thing - recognizing an addiction and refusing to enable. That's really not an easy thing, especially for a nice person, which you obviously are.

 

Jim Lane

(11,175 posts)
18. I'm a recreational gambler -- and I agree with the consensus here.
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 02:31 AM
Jun 2014

The absolute first rule of gambling is: "Never gamble with money that you can't afford to lose." Anyone who violates that rule, like Anna, is headed for disaster.

I sometimes encounter people who disapprove of my gambling. Some of them like a glass of wine with dinner, or an occasional beer, and I happen not to. The parallel is pretty close. With both gambling and alcohol, some people have no desire to indulge at all; some people enjoy it in moderation and it enhances their lives; some people are addicts, and it destroys them.

Another parallel is that some addicts of each type confront their addiction only when they hit absolute rock bottom. Your gloomy prognosis for what would've happened if you had acted differently is, alas, probably accurate. You would have enabled Anna to go a little while longer without addressing the problem, and that's all you would have accomplished.

MADem

(135,425 posts)
27. On the rare occasions when I have gambled, I make a decision about the "price of admission."
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 09:12 AM
Jun 2014

I decide that I am going to spend "X" amount as the price of admission, and once that's gone, I'm going to do something else. When (or if) I "make back" the price of admission, I put it in my pocket and gamble with the house money.

Twice I've won pretty big--I'm probably "up" a bit when it comes to lifetime cash flow but not by much, really, because I have done it so rarely.

It's been so long since I've been in a casino or gambling establishment that I'm still shocked by those electronic slot machines--I don't like them; I used to enjoy the coin ones on odd occasion but I haven't seen them the last two times I was anywhere near a casino (like I said, it's been awhile..).

I made most of my "winnings" at craps, and not having a real clue as to what I was doing! Dumb luck!

Skittles

(152,964 posts)
20. "if she'd just stop throwing money away"
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 02:55 AM
Jun 2014

Anna suffers from an ADDICTION which is very likely the source of her depression - and yes, she is doomed to hard times if she cannot acknowledge the addiction and seek help

 

Aerows

(39,961 posts)
23. I truly don't understand how people don't see gambling
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 04:35 AM
Jun 2014

as throwing money away. I spent $5 in quarters in a slot machine with my aunt and both of us were bored and done. We took the money we could have thrown away and ate a nice lunch, had a memorable visit, and that was that!

Then again, my aunt was the coolest human being that ever walked the face of the earth, if I have anything to say about it. I lost her two years after that, but we had the best time in the world at that lunch and with our little foray into gambling.

JanMichael

(24,846 posts)
28. Gambling addiction is one of the worst
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 09:15 AM
Jun 2014

my wife was a bartender in Oregon, where they have those state gambling machines in the bar. She watched people get devastated after they lost their rent money.

BrotherIvan

(9,126 posts)
21. The first rule they teach in lifeguard class is not to grab a drowning person
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 04:01 AM
Jun 2014

They will drag you down underwater and kill you both. Unfortunately, I have dealt with the addiction of gambling with a friend who nearly bankrupted me by stealing through credit cards and my bank account while I was out of the country. He was a great friend, but gambling made him a thief and a liar. The saddest part was he could not afford to lose, and like your friend was nearly homeless. The only thing that made him change, not even gambler's anonymous, was when he started making his own money and he didn't want to lose it.

It's rough and you seem very kind-hearted, but if she is in the throes of her addiction, she might have done things to hurt you. So I am glad you were strong enough not to get sucked into it. I really hope she finds a way out of her struggles, but it often seems as if the only person who can help an addict is herself.

BrotherIvan

(9,126 posts)
31. No problem
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 12:24 PM
Jun 2014

When someone goes through $10k in a single night of your money, you learn pretty fast. At the time, it wasn't easy to check your accounts online from abroad, so I didn't know until he had cleaned me out for $60k over three months, but when I looked at the statements, I nearly fainted. That money was never coming back and I had to pay off the debt myself.

Even though it was totally counterintuitive, he thought he would get rich quick gambling. I had known him to be up over $5k. I of course was instantly bored with gambling so I went to bed early. By the morning he had lost it all and then some. I never understood it and I still don't. I only learned that a gambling addiction is something I could not help with and it was bad news. I'm glad you didn't get in further. Good luck with your situation!

 

Jim Lane

(11,175 posts)
35. Nothing to do with the OP, but what SHOULD the lifeguard do?
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 06:06 PM
Jun 2014

Should the lifeguard place his or her hands under the victim, so that the lifeguard can hold the victim above water without risking being dragged down if the victim goes under anyway?

I always assumed that lifeguards were there precisely for the purpose of grabbing a drowning person so as to bring the victim back to shore.

BrotherIvan

(9,126 posts)
36. Apologies for the thread derail, but that is a fair question
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 10:14 PM
Jun 2014

Lifeguards have flotation devices to give to the person, either an old fashioned life ring or one of these (remember Baywatch?) and then tow them in.



Throwing them something, such as an oar or a rope or a surf board or basically anything they can hold onto where you will not come into contact with them is advised. A drowning person is panicked and some have literally climbed on top of their rescuer and dragged them under. You must be a very strong swimmer to do a direct rescue and it's always better to get help.

If you are in a situation where you are the only one to rescue a person, never approach them from the front, always from the back, as they will grip around you and pull you down. If possible, grab a shirt or clothing. As a last resort, grab the person from behind and try to get them to calm down. But that is rarely advised because if the person is drowning because they are caught in a current, you will be too. I knew one rescue diver who knocked the person out in order to save them. It's very hard to save someone and the best advice is to follow safety precautions when in the water.

 

Jim Lane

(11,175 posts)
38. Thanks for the clarification!
Wed Jun 25, 2014, 05:42 PM
Jun 2014

I never watched Baywatch, or if I did see any episodes I didn't remember seeing these flotation devices what with all the onscreen distractions.

As for the thread derail, it isn't the first case of topic drift on DU. I'm sure derby378 understands that we feel his pain even if the discussion happens to add in other subjects as well. I myself have never been involved with an addict of any sort, but just reading his OP gave me a chilling idea of what it's like.

 

Aerows

(39,961 posts)
22. Sorry to hear you (and Anna) are going through this
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 04:31 AM
Jun 2014

I've never gotten gambling. I think I've spent $5 in a slot machine, got bored and was ready to do something else.

HeiressofBickworth

(2,682 posts)
24. Oh, yes, the dating scene
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 04:52 AM
Jun 2014

I gave it up about 20 years ago. I found that it's true -- a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Things I learned:

It takes a minimum of 3 months to get to know someone. Make no emotional, legal or financial commitments during that time (and probably not after that, either).

At whatever stage you are in developing a relationship, growth stops once you start having sex. Don't get me wrong, sex is fun, but it isn't a relationship builder. There has to be trust, respect, friendship, all those things that make you feel good build a relationship.

And finally, I learned that at my age (I'm 68 now), men are generally looking for a nurse or a purse. Same probably applies for women.

So, chalk this up to the learning curve. When you're ready, go fishing again. And have fun!!

GOLGO 13

(1,681 posts)
25. Gambling & Depression?
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 08:56 AM
Jun 2014

That's a person that's action-packed with issues. Better to be alone for a bit than have that drama in your life. Smart move on your part.

MADem

(135,425 posts)
26. Wow, you dodged a bullet. That could have been a nightmare.
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 09:06 AM
Jun 2014

Addiction is addiction, and that sounds like the gambler's version of "Nurse Jackie" to me.

You'll find someone if you keep looking--a lid for every pot.

 

NM_Birder

(1,591 posts)
33. what kind of check was she "waiting to come in "
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 01:34 PM
Jun 2014

before you scold me for hating the poor........ was she milking her ex ?

derby378

(30,252 posts)
34. Disabiity
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 03:01 PM
Jun 2014

She had some pretty major surgery about a year ago. She also gets some child support from her ex.

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