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rpannier

(24,284 posts)
Mon Jun 23, 2014, 09:30 PM Jun 2014

Looking for Suggestions: My Letters to the various news medias

Dear __________

I have noticed lately that your network has been inviting the likes of (Dick Cheney, Bill Kristol, John McCain, Lindsay Graham, Donald Rumsfeld, John Bolton, insert choice of neocon) to discuss the situation in Iraq and what should be done about it. Your defense seems to be that they bring certain special knowledge and understanding to the region and the events as they unfold -- in other words, they know what they're talking about and their opinions should be listened to.

I enjoy watching interviews with people who bring a special insight into events and situations, I will be looking forward to your interviews with the following:

Matt Millen: Matt Millen can share his insight on draft strategies and draft picks that only a man who botched three straight first round picks and oversaw the worst regular season in NFL history when the Lions went 0-16. He can regail us all with the importance of selecting just the right player in the first round (read: wide receiver), while at the same time providing pointers on which players teams should release (so they can go on to become all-pro players with other organizations)

Vincent Tan and Dan Snyder: They can be invited together to explain how to run an organization in the top tier of its nations professional sports. Vincent can tell us the importance of changing the colors of the Blue Birds to red, because red is a lucky color. Snyder can tell us how throwing money at players (many past their prime) no one else would consider touching at one-fifth the cost is really the way to build a successful franchise. They can both also tell us how to make the fans more enthused and proud of their teams.
(note: Both men are on every Worst Owner in the World articles I've found. Tan is usually 1 or 2 and Snyder is 1, 2 or 3)

Daniel Glen: Daniel Glen can come on and give insights on how to stage a robbery that only a man who would call up the convenience store he was planning on robbing and inquiring how much money was in the cash register before he left his home to do the deed can bring.
Though, if he's unavailable, you could invite Robert Martin of Vacaville who tried lifting beer from a convenience store in front of 4 sheriff's deputies.

Martin Zimmerman: Martin Zimmerman can come on and provide special knowledge to young, aspiring attorneys out there. Mr Zimmerman, who is best known for sleeping through a trial, not knowing his client's name and forgetting to enter a plea bargain that would save his client 20 years in jail. Mr Zimmerman is such a special kind of lawyer, that after the conviction by a jury both the judge and prosecution in the case agreed to a plea from his new attorney.
(for the doubters out there: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/worst-lawyer-defense-attorney-sleeps-trial-article-1.1459210 )

Executives at Bank of America: BofA which is being sued for billions of dollars worth of mortgage fraud can teach us all about ethics in business. I mean, who can better explain business ethics that a business being sued for billions.

Louis Eppolito and Stephen Caracappa: They could come on and discuss police corruption and how to deal with this scourge. Louis Eppolito and Stephen Caracappa worked for the NYPD but in reality, they worked for the mafia. Caracappa was a member of the Organized Crime Homicide Unit investigating the very people he was working for. The two former partners were taking orders for the Lucchese crime family and served as hitmen as well as moles in the NYPD. In 2006, Eppolito and Caracappa were convicted of racketeering, obstruction of justice, extortion and eight counts of murder and conspiracy.
(Though I'm sure, like Bill O' Reilly they're just victims)

I'm sure, like the members of the Bush Administration, their insights would be interesting and unforgettable.

Sincerely


(Looking for suggestions for examples and how to touch it up to make it an easier read)

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