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Are_grits_groceries

(17,111 posts)
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 07:46 AM Jun 2014

Repost-"OFFICIAL SC LAW ENFORCEMENT HURRICANE INSTRUCTIONS"(In case you missed them)

Repost-"OFFICIAL SC LAW ENFORCEMENT HURRICANE INST" (since the heart of the season is here):

(If a hurricane is imminent, this will be broadcast)

URGENT - URGENT - URGENT (FOR IMMEDIATE DISSEMINATION STATEWIDE)
Warning to all South Carolina residents of a possible hurricane threat. The path of this hurricane is still unclear and may be a threat to our state.

Although meteorologists are predicting landfall somewhere to the north of South Carolina, state emergency preparedness officials are making two basic but important points:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Hurricane season is an exciting time to be in South Carolina. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on experience, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food, beer, and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in South Carolina. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items: HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Carolina, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bubba and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bubba and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "South Carolina," you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! South Carolina tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies: 23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach. (We don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Hugo. After the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in South Carolina.

********************************************

If anyone was offended by this, it is gallows humor. In addition, it is almost spot on.

8 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
Highlight: NoneDon't highlight anything 5 newestHighlight 5 most recent replies
Repost-"OFFICIAL SC LAW ENFORCEMENT HURRICANE INSTRUCTIONS"(In case you missed them) (Original Post) Are_grits_groceries Jun 2014 OP
Now that's funny. blueridge3210 Jun 2014 #1
Hahaha love it newfie11 Jun 2014 #2
Some nice belly laughs, there deutsey Jun 2014 #3
Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah hahahahahha malaise Jun 2014 #4
Since I live near Charleston SC Corgigal Jun 2014 #5
Don't do anything, weather like climate is a natural phenomenon, Downwinder Jun 2014 #6
This isn't about trying to change the weather Are_grits_groceries Jun 2014 #7
Did I need a sarcasm tag? Downwinder Jun 2014 #8

newfie11

(8,159 posts)
2. Hahaha love it
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 08:17 AM
Jun 2014

As someone that lived the last 11 years in Nebraska I gotta say come on up. Just watch for tornadoes
(Now living back in SD)

Corgigal

(9,291 posts)
5. Since I live near Charleston SC
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 09:35 AM
Jun 2014

Me thinks it's funny, and I might put it up on the fridge till the season is over. We use have a funny at the house, we would just offer the weiner dog to the hurricane god. Would say things like, quick put the weiner dog on the roof.

Hurricane god doesn't want no damn weiner dog , so we weren't hit for several years.

Old man weiner dog passed on, miss him so, but I have a roof opening now.

Are_grits_groceries

(17,111 posts)
7. This isn't about trying to change the weather
Tue Jun 24, 2014, 10:30 AM
Jun 2014

by some means.
It's about mitigating damage and that can and should be done. I live 60 miles inland but you can be damn sure I will try to prevent broken windows and other damage. Doing nothing is just stupid.

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