Welcome to DU! The truly grassroots left-of-center political community where regular people, not algorithms, drive the discussions and set the standards. Join the community: Create a free account Support DU (and get rid of ads!): Become a Star Member All Forums Issue Forums Culture Forums Alliance Forums Region Forums Support Forums Help & Search

Orrex

(63,084 posts)
Thu Jun 26, 2014, 12:30 PM Jun 2014

SCOTUS Rules Abortion Protestors' Baseball Bats Can Have No More Than Three Nails

Last edited Thu Jun 26, 2014, 01:02 PM - Edit history (3)

SCOTUSWatch Daily: In a landmark unanimous decision with immediate and far-reaching impact, the Supreme Court today sharply limited the number of nails that abortion protestors may drive through the baseball bats with which they harass and bludgeon women seeking to exercise constitutionally protected reproductive choice.

The ruling was criticized by members of both sides of the abortion debate. Advocates of choice note that the decision leaves women vulnerable to intimidation and attack, while opponents reject any attempt to limit their arsenal in their ongoing and expanding war on women.

Writing for the court, Justice Elena Kagan cited First Amendment protections that preclude the outright prohibition of nails driven through baseball bats.

"Insofar as the bat has long been recognized as instrument of expression, we are constrained to allow reasonable modification so long as the basic design is preserved. Whereas a bat with three nails is still a bat, four nails would clearly turn it into something more akin to a porcupine, which historically does not enjoy first amendment protection."

Justice Clarence Thomas woke briefly from his millennial slumber to echo this view, though he suggests that future rulings may raise the number of nails permitted. "If I can have five nails on one hand," he rumbled, "the court sees no compelling reason why a bat shouldn't have at least an equal number."

Advocates of choice expressed disappointment but were not surprised by the ruling, seeing it as simply the latest in a long string of dubious victories for nominally faith-based organizations.

However, anti-choice crusader Eustus Porter complained even in the face of triumph. "How are we supposed to preserve the sanctity of life with a measly three nails? This is an outrageous overreach of judicial activism, and you can rest assured that we will appeal."

The case is Basic Decency v. People for a Return to the 18th Century.
4 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
Highlight: NoneDon't highlight anything 5 newestHighlight 5 most recent replies
SCOTUS Rules Abortion Protestors' Baseball Bats Can Have No More Than Three Nails (Original Post) Orrex Jun 2014 OP
Painful to laugh at this..... louis-t Jun 2014 #1
Protest the banksters though and you'll have to do it in a "free speech zone". Scuba Jun 2014 #2
In today's culture, this could probably become true. Rider3 Jun 2014 #3
You know... Orrex Jun 2014 #4

Rider3

(919 posts)
3. In today's culture, this could probably become true.
Thu Jun 26, 2014, 01:51 PM
Jun 2014

The only difference is that Clarence Thomas won't speak at all (which is ok with me, really).

Orrex

(63,084 posts)
4. You know...
Thu Jun 26, 2014, 02:10 PM
Jun 2014

I've posted a few of these unmistakably satirical pieces in the past, an in each case it seems that someone still mistakes it for a serious article.

I confess that I included the bit about Thomas in the hope that it was sufficiently unrealistic to make the tone of the post impossible to miss.

Latest Discussions»General Discussion»SCOTUS Rules Abortion Pro...