Some people are shallow ........ and there is ALWAYS something attractive and irresistible about each one of us, no matter what we think of ourselves. 7? billion people in this world and a few people who mean nothing to you personally were trying to score points - sorry, I don't mean to make light of this, but, big deal (sorry, I know how hard it was to hear and don't mean to trivialize it too much, but for every one of her, there are millions unlike her)!

I admire anyone for making the effort to go to the gym every day. Your confidence in doing so will rub off on the 'right' people.

Ain't that the damned truth!

Just remember that the incident is an indictment of her character, not of your physical appearance.

... what I was going to say!

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I think some of us have to be over 50 to fully realize how insignificant looks are. If you are healthy, have the ability to make friends, the willingness to utilize your brain, a good amount of self-awareness, a good bullshit radar and the courage to discard all the crap that society tells you that you should be, you have everything you need to to not only survive in this oftentimes cruel and absurd world, but you can actually get to the point where you're happy. Picture an astronaut worrying more about the way their suit looks than exploring the wonderful new things around him/her. Picture that same person spending all of their precious time and money trying to bling up their suit instead of taking in their surroundings, and then finally realizing just when they're about to return what a waste of time that was.

and that girl was/is an ASSHOLE.

Right now I have the driver's license picture from hell, but I would never in a million years think any halfway decent person would make fun of me for it. YOU don't have a problem. SHE does.

Granted, I am a thirty-ish white male with long hair and a beard. But you can tell I was up earlier than usual that morning.

But the earliness of the hour, combined with the caffeine I'd likely ingested, gave me the creepy stare of someone barely awake/there. I also looked at the camera wrong, so the angle's all weird.

Would you do that to someone? To anyone? I bet the person you were walking with probably felt pretty bad too. I don't care how awful a picture looks, I would NEVER do that. And most people wouldn't. So it's not about you or the picture or the good looking guy. It's about a sad, soulless individual. Pity her and move on.

go to the gym. Use the anger for good.

This behavior is typical of almost all males. They constantly judge women on appearance. Seems the tables are turning, so men and teenage males, should get used to it.

My thoughts exactly!

And how wrong she was. I don't think it's trivial at all, either.

You were having a great day, and then this person sees fit to degrade you. Who wouldn't be upset? I know I would be.

You will recover from this. I'd suggest continuing to go to the gym and take care of yourself.



I'm sorry this happened...

I've been made to feel that kind of humiliation before too and I sympathize. People can be such assholes.

Seriously. She means nothing in the grand scheme. Hold your head up and move on.

Horses are generally gentle and sensitive creatures.

(not that I'd test this theory personally, of course, but still...)

She's a shallow, little twit. Her opinion of anything isn't worth squat. Who gives a fugg what someone like that thinks?

I can't compete in the looks department against most anyone and back in high school and in the following years that played a major role in my low self esteem but then I got the attitude that I'm as happy and content with life as I myself decide to be. My looks haven't improved expect though people now make comments about my smile, my laugh and the sparkle in my eyes.

How do you know for sure she was repulsed by your photo? Maybe she said its definitely not him because it looked nothing like your co-worker. Maybe it had nothing to do with how attractive you looked in the photo.

overthinking that one could lead to the daughter thinking she looks much older than she is. but in the end it has nothing to do with her. but the person just trying to compliment the mother .

And before she realized the man in the photo was him.

He's not over thinking it. The OP just needs to try not to care what some random woman thinks of an old photo he took that doesn't even look like him now. Some people just dont take good photos.

i have an idea of the situation but she most likely didn't even see your pic that much. just enough to see that it wasn't your friend.

also you should not stop going to the gym or whatever you do to try to stay healthy and in good shape. but you should take a look at why you do it and how it should not matter what people like this say or think.

i know emotionally it's not as easy to deal with this but as you get older these things will not matter as much as they seem to right now.

Because from your description I had already discarded them as people whose opinion matters to me.

It's unclear from the context whether DI knew these women before this little encounter, but holy moly, don't let them live rent-free in your brain. What other people think of you is none of your business.

In the moment, it's not always quite that simple.

And don't stop going to the gym. That woman isn't worth losing your health over.

Besides - your one of my favorites here and i think you are full of awesome sauce!

You appear to think she didn't recognize you at first because you were tailing your coworker, but perhaps she didn't make the connection because your badge picture doesn't look like you. Either way, it was a shallow thing for her to have said and I'm sorry it spoiled your day.

I am sorry to hear that came at your expense. She should be embarrassed, not you.

Maybe she was hamming it up in an attempt to flirt with your coworker, but even if so it doesn't reflect well on her.

Don't let it throw you off your game plan or muck up your esteem, though - the opinion of some ignorant hallway-troll doesn't define you...

Which one of you made a blunder, DI? You or she? I'd say she made a huge fool of herself. Truly.
And I doubt if it's the first time. Don't give away your power to someone who's clueless.



And furthermore, she has no class.

You must not loose self-confidence over this casual cruelty.

As others have pointed out her, it is more about her coming on to your colleague than about putting you down.

And who is she in the grand scheme of things, anyways?

People can't make you feel bad unless you let them. Take that from someone who has long been on the receiving end of that kind of behavior, and who eventually learned to no longer give a shit what others think about me.

You are a wonderful person, don't let her take that from you.

do not allow it to change your gym going activities. I don't find it trivial at all.

That said, my suggestion is good old fashioned payback.

From the lovely, heartfelt post you made when your Dad passed away, you proved your are a very worthy man.

Whatever her motivations were, it was thoughtless and cruel. She will probably regret it (if she remembers) in the years ahead. She isn't worth your mental time, and keep on with your efforts !

That face even if it was a male model in the photo because she was making a flirting move to your coworker.

You know how guys have "moves" and tricks? Us gals do too, and that was just a stupid schoolgirl flirting trick on her part.

Please trust me, it had nothing to do with your appearance which I am certain is attractive.

To me, the most attractive feature of a person is their brain, and you have a great brain, therefore you ARE attractive to any woman with even a decent amount of intelligence.

maybe attractive on the outside by unattractive on the inside.

anyone who judges a book by its cover has some growing up to do. Some of the most interesting and truly charismatic people I've known over the years had nothing that you would call "physical beauty". Some of the most physically beautiful (and when I was young I was guilty of hanging out preferentially with those types) were, in retrospect, also the most trivial.

When I was growing up I had a cousin who was overweight, and very shy and kind of downcast; I never got to know her, and never thought much of it. Years later she's gotten her confidence, and I come to find she's brilliant, clever, insightful ,and one of the most interesting people I know. I told her the other day I wish I'd gotten to know her better when we were kids, as I always felt kind of isolated myself. We could have been great friends back then, and I would have felt much less isolated. She just gave me a real smiled and said "well, that makes my day".

Don't hide, let people know who you really are, and feel sorry for the ones that don't give you the chance.

something potentially humiliating like that happens we can't just laugh it off and come up with some witty jibe to turn it around on those trying to do the humiliating.

"Yeah, that's a big ol ugly pic of me.. how do you like me now?" I've seen your pics and you're adorable. Probably did you some good to vent it out though. When something like that happens to me.. I just hold it inside and work it out from there. We're all different, DIrish.. good on ya.

ago.

Who cares who she is or what she said? To whom or in what regard? Use it as motivation.

You "look hardly anything like my photo" tells me that maybe she was a bit embarrassed that she insulted the image of the person on the badge when he was standing right there, but didn't realize it at first glance. You might even take some pride in that. Vapid idiots are just that.

Besides that, fuck her. Go to the gym for you. I could say more here about the subject female, but won't as I'd rather rob the alertaddicts of their jollies.

Or are three little letters all you can muster this evening?

again

It's just ... funny ... that's all.

I wonder what you want to say about her that's so bad that you're too afraid to post it.

Not afraid, just know better around the new DU we've built. It's only "bad" when it comes from a guy.

Carry on.

Sure, sea and I were the only other people who said... whatever it is you're attempting to claim you were gonna say.

Huh?

The more I know most people -- like that girl -- the more I like my cats.

I dunno how old this woman is but mentally/emotionally, she's still a child.

I got ragged on throughout my school years for being ugly and all I can tell you is just remind yourself that this nobody is nothing to you, and focus on what the people who love you think of you. They matter so much more than some shallow, superficial random. Use those loved ones as a mirror and try to see in yourself what they see. It's not easy but it can be done. Good luck.

It must have felt like a slap in the face out of nowhere.

As a chubby female, I have had many experiences like that. It hurts, but you are the much better person. She sounds absolutely awful.

Women/girls certainly get it worse in our society, in terms of their appearance, but men/boys are far from immune.

being insulted by someone clearly acting thoughtlessly, then take heart. It sounds like you've had a pretty good life.

at least not when it isn't meant that way. Sometimes I say, for instance, "I was mad enough to spit nails" or even "I was mad enough to run over Mother Theresa in a crosswalk" - the latter being the worse thing I can imagine.

If I tell someone "This isn't over", however, you can take that to the bank.

says EVERYTHING about her

Part of training for navy seal includes swimming/ treading water in shark infested waters. The advice given by the trainer to the trainee is don't panic, don't run. When you see the sharks beginning to circle, you have to be ready - when they come after you there is only
one thing to do and that is punch the shark in the snout.

So when they come for you/criticize you, the only thing you can do is hit back hard.

I just read the post about the Miss Florida ballot recount - I imagine the woman who had the crown and now lost it feels pretty bad too - not to make you say, hey it could be worse - but that is harsh for her, and very public.

I used to have a coworker named Alex who was a retired male model...I mean this kid used to get unsolicited offers for casual sex while working the goddamned teller line. He had the worst employee ID photo ever, we put it on Hotornot.com being funny and it got seriously trashed.

All I could think was "If you dumb fucks voting down his pic, could actually see him, you'd be eating crow." When he got divorced and reentered the dating pool, he used it as his profile pic on dating sites...he figured if they thought he looked like that and they still wanted to date him...those were the women he wanted to date.

(In my work ID photo, I'm extremely tan, I'm wearing saffron-colored shirt two sizes too big that looks more robe than tee and my head is shaved bald...I've passed it off as a photo of a Tibetan monk it looks so little like me.)

Everybody's work photo looks like crap...and you've learned something today...the woman in whatever department is a shallow judgmental person you never need be nice to again.

Today is a good day and on this good day I can tell you that it's probably just your synapses misfiring and giving you bad signals. That girl was likely just blurting out whatever dumb thing fell on the tip of her tongue because social situations are awkward for everybody, no matter what they look like.

If your brain is making you feel bad about some 10-second human interaction, tell your brain to shut the hell up.

What she said and how she said it says more negative about her than you. Don't let this get to you. I've had males tell me to my face that I was a "dog". Multiple times. In public. And while I'm no Victoria's Secret model, I'm not ugly, either. Far from it. The cruelty and ignorance of those who made such remarks makes THEM ugly. Not me.

You just can't let this destroy you. Why should you? It's not a you problem.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."- Eleanor Roosevelt

and that person acted like the POS she is-probably does to others, and probably hates herself more than anyone else.

I know it was a painful experience, but please understand that there are many women, like me, who do not judge men by their looks or bodies, but by who they are as people. She was horrible. Please don't take it personally. Most of us can see beyond the physical to the person that you are. Personally, I am slim, but I rather like heavier men. They are more sensual and sexier to me. Their bodies suggest that that they enjoy life a bit more than the typical in-shape, buff guy. Honestly! I really don't like slim men so be assured that there are probably a lot of women out there like me who prefer men with a little extra weight on them!

Case in point about sexy heavier guys: There's a young front man for the soul band St. Paul and the Broken Bones that's trending right now. I expect a long and lustrous career for them. While he, Paul, is on the pudgy side like Belushi was, still he can sing and dance like hardly anyone you've ever seen. He just pours his heart out and dances away. But for the several decades between us, he'd never be safe around me for a minute! I just adore him. And believe it or not, he was studying to be an accountant! I can't imagine a more horrific fate for someone clearly marked by God for music.

It's a good thing that we don't all prefer the skinny pretty boys.

" And it definitely isn't ME either...anymore". Forget them, not worth your time. Keep focusing on
yourself, and the gym workouts will make you feel better, if you keep that up. Trust an old lady here. You are better than any trite crappy off-the-cuff remark. as Eleanor Roosevelt said "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent" ( I might be paraphrasing here, but that is the idea; withhold your consent!!!!

Spot on - love that Eleanor Roosevelt quote!

a nasty, soulless person she is and unworthy of any decent person's attention.

Keep hitting the gym. Feeling good after a good workout is a great reward.

Remember: to good people, you're beautiful!

Unconditional self acceptance and learning how it is different than self esteem (and how the concept of self esteem is harmful) really pulled me through some difficult things with body image. It's worth a look if you're interested. I hate that that happened to you, it would be humiliating for anyone. None of us are perfect.

In fact, so ugly that if that was in my workplace and I'd witnessed it, I'd have put her up on a bullying complaint and the end result is she would have been demoted or shown the door. What she did to you was bullying...

Physical attractiveness is a subjective thing. The ugliness inside some people isn't so subjective. Please don't let someone as ugly as her have an effect on how you feel about yrself, because that's what she intended to happen when she deliberately humiliated you in front of others like that...

I've never met you and likely never shall; however, getting to know you on this board has been a special pleasure. Not that I am or ever was a pants chaser, but I'm sure that under congenial circumstances I'd have been thrilled if you invited me out. Please don't let some stoopid ijit dance on your head. You're SO much better off w/o that kind. Look for a woman worth your time.

I know, I know... easy for me to talk since I don't have to back it up. And yes, I've done my share of mourning losses. But I guarantee you my regret never lasted long because soon enough I'd remember that anyone who'd mistreat me wasn't worth crying over.

Besides, you're Irish, man! Most people want to BE us at least once a year! Who else can say that? (and btw, I don't necessarily buy that 'drunken' schtick. The French and Germans and Russians - all of whom I like just fine! - have higher per capita consumption than we do.

Just don't give them the power to hurt you so badly

She's trying to impress your co-worker by showing him she can be fashionably cruel. Keep doing good things for yourself. You'll be a lot happier if you keep going to the gym and regaining your happiness is the whole point.

You have more going for you than that dimwit ever even has a clue about. Carry on, be yourself, someone will recognize your wonderfulness.

she is definitely not worth the time we've taken to discuss this. Keep going to the gym and you'll have the bonus of meeting people who care about their health just as you do. Do not let this get to you at. all.

Of course it hurts -- it calls up all those experiences from when you were young and had fewer inner resources than you do now.

But you know what? Some fine day she's going to wake up and discover that her good looks have fled and her snotty attitude toward others is no longer cute to anyone.

You, meanwhile, will be the same good person you already are.

Go back to the gym with head held high. She's not there. Take care of your health -- what you have been doing is already having results.

Be polite but distant to her at work. Sorry, but being mean back at her will have repercussions for you, so to hell with that.

This is Grandma talking. I mean it.

totally reject what she tried to give you, or what you are interpreting she was giving you. cause neither matter. fug her.....

you are going to the gym? yea you. i started too. finally. after too long a break. it feels GOOD. i feel GOOD, ....

keep on, keepin on.

really.

just the way you are. And, by your admission, it was a bad picture of you and has not much to do with the reality of what you look like now (keep going to the gym - it is good for you in so many ways) or who you are.

Don't worry about her. You will find somebody with depth and sensitivity and common sense. You will create a happy marriage, and this will be a dim memory. Of course, some of us are better looking than others, but that isn't what keeps a person warm at night.

Blow it off. There are a lot of insensitive people in the world today, and odds are, you will meet more during your lifetime. So today is the day you learn to deal with it. Don't allow her bad behavior cause you to feel badly. Got it?

Sam

so terrible that I would never in a million years wear the badge facing front. If i looked like the photo, I'd go into permanent hiding.

But, the badge photo isn't me and I refuse to let myself be defined by it. As for that shallow girl, forget it. She's rude and inconsiderate and definitely not worth worrying about.

I hope you put the incident behind you and have a great weekend.

She showed you everything you need to know about her. As Maya Angelou said, "she showed you who and what she is, once. Believe her, don't make her show you twice."

If she is not you, then she does not matter...

And that goes for everyone who's shown who they are by callous, shallow acts like the above or any other act that's degrading or humiliating. Good people don't need to bring others down, they're usually more happy lifting others up.

I'm keeping it -- wish I'd had it decades before now.

What I posted came from memory so it could be different from what she said.

Here is the quote, exactly as spoken.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

are often so insecure, because they think they don't have anything else going for them. That insecurity can come out in mocking others for the way they look. It's sad, because our 'toddlers and tiaras' society has especially raised a lot of women this way.

Pity them silently, it will help you find your self-esteem again.

This young woman's behavior says nothing about you or your appearance, but it says everything about her. It could have just been about her way of flirting with your co-worker. She behaved shallow and silly. Hopefully she felt like a big jerk.

that turned out to be assholes, and as time went on they became physically ugly in sight and mind.

I've also met physically non-attractive (to put it mildly) people that had great personalities and were a great joy to have conversations with. These people, over a short period of time, were some of the best looking and beautiful people I've ever seen.

That is it exactly.

That is what is making you feel better about yourself. If you hate the picture on your badge, do yourself a HUGE favor...go ask to have it retaken. Tell them if you have to you'll pay for the new one. Be honest and say "hey I lost weight and this picture really doesn't represent who I am and I'd appreciate if you could change it". Chances are they will do it and for free.

We all have work to do on ourselves. I am also working on losing weight right now. Doing something about it is what matters.



Edit: By the way my Korean driver's license picture makes me look like a criminal. I happened to not bring a picture with me when I went in to get my license and had to use one of those booths. I've thought about "losing" it and going in and getting a new one. lol

So, within that framework:

Over 40, not wearing a Hugo Boss suit, handmade shoes, a Rolex Oyster and sporting a $100 haircut.

Walk in to the party, and the 20 somethings look at the door as if the wind blew it open and then shut.

Or look at you as if you were a scrofulous toad.

This is normal.

Happened to me 20 years ago.

Enjoy the invisibility. And be confident that someone, somewhere has the hots for guys who look exactly like you.

It's equally tough on girls (maybe moreso). Those of us not born to physical beauty always had a bigger burden to carry. I remember going to dances when I was a teenager. Whatever girlfriend I stood with, while we were waiting to be asked to dance, didn't matter. SHE always got picked first. And I'd still be standing there on the sidelines. There were times when the dance ended at 11:30 and it was 11pm by the time somebody asked me to dance.

People are cruel. Many times they don't even realize it. They just know what they like, and don't even think about the impact their actions have. They don't set out to hurt your feelings. But that's too often what winds up happening.

No fun. I sympathize. I know too painfully well. When I found out our first child was gonna be a girl, the only thing I prayed for was that she'd be pretty. 'Cause I knew if she was pretty, it wouldn't really matter if she was smart or dumb as dubya. If she had her looks, she'd have a good life. Turns out she got both - beauty and brains. I couldn't be happier! And yeah, she's having a good life!

Too bad things are so damn shallow and superficial, and that we live in a world of appearances. In broadcasting I saw many people who easily made the jump from radio to TV simply because they looked good or photographed well. Knew one individual who got a big break filling in one night. Certifiably gorgeous and photogenic as hell, but made so many mistakes in reporting and writing that there came no further invitation to join the staff full-time.

And I still find it galling. That's probably part of the reason I rail away at Pox Noise. Blonde bimbos as far as the eye can see. They photograph well. And they have the intellect and independent thinking capability of a gnat. But they're on camera and paid fabulously well. Meanwhile friends of mine in radio (and the joke aways was - he/she has a face for radio!) remained toiling in the back of the vineyard, passed over, making so-so salaries and with no agents to run interference for them or get them fancier gigs. GALLING. I know people who can anchor and write and report not just circles but planetary ORBITS around some of the pretty faces on camera. GALLING!!! Seems to me they were far more deserving. But deserving doesn't get you any guarantees.

If it's any consolation at all, you can always remind yourself how much harder and more miserable it is for the pretty ones as they age and start to lose their looks. Traumatic for them, and it's a rough transition I have observed (especially if you can't run to the plastic surgeon every six months). But hey, since I never had great looks to begin with, aging's been no big deal to me. As a matter of fact, I like the way I look a lot more, now - having arrived at my 60s - than I ever did when I was 16 or 21 or 26.

Hang in there, Drunken Irishman. You don't suffer alone, by any means! Besides, you show off some beauty to me! Besides, I've always found people with BRAINS to be the most attractive and alluring.

You need to be going for yourself, so that 20 years from now you will feel at least as good as you are now and quite possibly better, while younger men who are coasting on their looks go to beer guts and wheezing up a flight of stairs.

I'm sorry a cruel person put you down so hard. Tonight, you might as well wallow in it. Tomorrow it will look a lot better, that little twit having told you nothing about yourself but volumes about her.

for contributing to a hostile work environment.

It would be laughed out of court. Maybe you should talk to a lawyer before giving internet advice.

I knew you'd boost my spirits.

In a way, that's partly why I posted it.

Don't worry. I won't give up on going to the gym. In fact, I went shortly after this post for an hour and a half because I felt even more motivated by her disgust. I wish I could say, as some have suggested, that she was just hitting on my coworker, and maybe, in some way, she was, but it wasn't necessarily even what she said that hurt - it was the look she gave my photo when she looked at it. I've never seen someone look at me like that.

It hurt.

I'll be honest with you guys, I've had body issues dating back to junior high. I was always a skinny kid, someone who never put on weight, and extremely popular and chased in elementary. When I got to junior high, though, and hit puberty, everything changed. My looks changed. I gained a good amount of weight between seventh and eleventh grade. I went from the guy who most every girl crazed over in elementary (at least, the girls who liked boys) to not even being noticed by a great deal of the girls in junior high and high school. I wasn't an outcast or anything, and I had relationships, but I was never satisfied with my body.

The summer before senior year, I lost a great amount of weight. I went from about 210 to 160 by the start of school - all within months. When I returned, after a summer away, my friends were quick to praise how good I looked. For the first time in a looooong time, I actually had people openly complimenting my looks. It felt good. I'm not going to lie. It brought me back to elementary and how I remember all the girls thinking I was the cutest. It helped wash away the angst and disgust I had throughout most of junior high and high school. For the first time in years, I was actually satisfied with my body and looks. I kept the weight off a long time, but recently, I gained a great deal. I went from 135 a year out of HS back right to 210 in 2013. Last year was the worst. I think much of it dealt with my new job, which kept me at work until after 9 and pretty much forced me to live off fast food because I was too exhausted and it was too late for anything else. I ballooned. I knew I was ballooning because my pants weren't fitting, shirts were way too tight, and I just could see it in the mirror. The mirror really never does lie. Then I was laid off, and had to go get another job. I got the new job, went in for my photo, while still employed at my old job, and saw my badge the first day of training. Comparing that photo to the one on my badge from my old job is night and day - and we're talking less than a year. My heart sunk at the sight and it was pretty much at that point I decided to work things off.

Since, I know I've lost weight. I can see it in my face and in my clothes. Pants that I bought just three months ago, that didn't fit (that was depressing, let me tell you) fit now. In fact, for the first time, I actually wore those pants today. That's the kicker. I put 'em on and was so happy they fit after not even being able to clasp it not too long ago.

Then this...

So, yeah, I know I shouldn't take it personally. But it's hard. I wish I could say I just let that shit roll off my back, but it hurt. The look hurt so much. It was awkward and hurtful enough that even my coworker knew what was implied.

But hopefully in a couple months I look even better and feel better.

Lord knows I've done it before...