What True Beauty Is.
A post I read recently, about a fellow DUer who is feeling really down, really hit a nerve for me. He was feeling very bad because someone he thought of as good looking had given him a look of revulsion - he suspects, because of his weight. So I wanted to share a few thoughts about my own views on the matter of beauty, on what is appealing, what is sexy, what is, to me, attractive.
I once dated, even lived with for a time... a woman who was a professional dancer (no, not the exotic kind). She had a body that was physically beautiful. She had long blonde hair and beautiful eyes, she had a smile that took my breath away. Over time, I came to discover that she was a tea party republican. She often ranted about how women's lib had ruined things for everyone. She told me, with a straight face, that she thought women shouldn't have the right to vote, that a woman's place was in the house, taking care of the children, cooking meals, doing all the typical domestic chores that, historically, women did far more often than men.
She told me that she thought people who received welfare, or food stamps, or who lived in what she called "the projects", should be sterilized so they could not further pollute the gene pool. She frequently listened to Christian radio, attended church every Sunday, was involved in all kinds of projects and activities. She was a teacher for children with special needs - and often told me that such people should never be permitted to reproduce.
She was very private, generally, with these thoughts and feelings. Over time, as I came to know her better, she shared many of them with me. We often had loud arguments about them, which she usually ended by infuriating me well past the point that I could speak coherently. I'd have to take a walk or I'd start shouting.
It did not occur to me for quite some time, that I was on the list of people she thought should never reproduce, raise children, vote, or contribute to the world. I was, simply put, not beautiful enough. I was overweight (probably about twenty to thirty pounds), I was on medication for post traumatic stress disorder. I did not have either a long list of academic or societal achievements. I was poor. One night, at dinner, when I went back for seconds (or thirds, I don't recall which, but there was this really great rice...) she told me I was disgusting.
Our relationship became one in which I constantly felt unworthy, ugly, despised myself. I listened to her tell me who I was, what I was - and it only rarely occurred to me to wonder if maybe my feelings were a bit colored by the way she looked at me. I stuck around, because I felt that in some way I deserved punishment. For being fat, for being ugly. For not being a normal member of society.
It was not until a couple of years afterwards that I was able to look at it with anything resembling neutrality. The reality of the situation? She was the ugly one. Her thoughts and feelings about her fellow human beings were well beyond ugly. Her cruelty for people who had never done her any wrong was beyond despicable. The physical appearance was an appealing mask to hide a terrifyingly dark heart and soul.
For all of the worship of physical form, of the appearance of beauty, of sparkling eyes and pearly white smiles... she was, in truth, an extremely unattractive person.
She dragged others down because, deep down inside, she was deeply insecure and afraid of abandonment. She never understood why I ended up ending our relationship, why I broke it off. Because, she was so much more beautiful than me, as she often pointed out.
Now I'm not going to toot my own horn here, I don't think I'm beautiful. I think I'm kind of average, and often I think I'm kind of ridiculous looking.
The people I find beautiful now though? They are usually of a far different sort. They are mothers and Fathers, daughters and sons, they are of all colors, all races, of all backgrounds, religions, sexual orientations or what have you. They are the people who, instead of pulling others down, use the overwhelming beauty of their own minds and hearts to bring them up. They are the people who delight in our smiles not because they are pearly white, but because they are a sign that we are happy.
True beauty lies in the compassionate nature of a generous person. It is when a mother bandages the knee of an injured child. When a Father shows up for his children's school plays, or sports events. It is when a tired waitress smiles at you and asks you how your day was. It is when a brave soldier steps in front of a grenade for his brothers and sisters in arms. It is the fireman or policeman who gives his life to save the lives of others. It is the teacher who inspires children to creativity, to thought, to compassion, to a genuine concern for the world around them.
I will never again fall prey to an ugly person who tells me I am ugly. The women I find most attractive today have far different qualities. They are generous, kind, understanding. They spend their time working in soup kitchens or organizing community events to help people in need. They are dedicated, compassionate individuals working to make the world a better place. I say, too, without hesitation, that all such men are also beautiful.
So here's a shout out for true beauty and for the beautiful men and women of DU. Also, a shout out for a pretty awesome DUer who is feeling bad about himself right now. Drunken Irishman - you, Sir, are a beautiful man - and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
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Thanks for the thread, davidthegnome. 
Pretty is as pretty does.
Thank you for sharing. 
True beauty is not necessarily what's on the surface.
I've been on both sides. I've been 'beautiful' and now I'm fat and ugly (well, once in awhile I get told I have a 'pretty face' which is code for, "it's a pity you are SO fat"
and I will say that I'm happier now than I was when I was young and beautiful. I truly didn't see people for who they are, and I was still in the shadow of my mother's shallow judgmental attitudes toward everyone - and I assumed everyone was judging me the same way. It's taken me 2 decades and 100 lbs to get past that upbringing. I see the beauty in everyone now. I judge people by their actions, not by what they project as their 'self'. I am starting to see the ugliness in 'beautiful' people who are just plain mean. Their assholishness shines through and distorts their features.
And physically beautiful people can be wonderful, caring people, and ugly people can be total assholes. I married someone who wasn't 'a looker' back when *I* was, because in my warped mind, I thought someone who wasn't beautiful would be nicer and not so shallow. Nope, apparently that's not how it works. He was a sociopath and destroyed my life. My 3 closest friends right now are GORGEOUS women, I mean model pretty and they are super wonderful, caring, kind people. Part of me still can hear my mother's voice in my head, "why would THEY (beautiful) want to hang out with YOU (fat 'n ugly)" but these women don't care...because they are beautiful inside and out. Some people learn the lesson because they have great parents and have been taught empathy and some never do, no matter how many life lessons they have. The trick is to learn how to discern between them.
Thanks for a beautiful post...you are a beautiful person and so is Drunken Irishman.
tears forth.. it's so awesome! It's so wonderful when we all learn what true beauty is over the years. 
You have given us a lesson we should all heed. Very, very well said.
