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Coolest Ranger

(2,034 posts)
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 02:25 PM Dec 2014

Have you ever been bullied by a parent with Dimentia? I have and I want to tell you my story

You all know me very well. I have been here a long time. But what you do not know is what I go through when I log off. All of my life, I have been the victim of a parent who gets a sick pleasure in bullying people. At first, I ignored the signs because I thought this was something that African-American parents do, but as I have made this journey through my life I have learned from other family members that the person in question, my grandmother has been a bully all of my life.

So I wanted to put my story out there and see how many of you have gone through what I am going through now. My grandmother has always been a user, a manipulative person, sarcastic, demanding, and very controlling. It's been in her personality for as long as I can remember. Now that she's gotten older, I had hoped that her attitude and her behavior at how she's been treating me would improve, but from my observation they have gotten worse. When she can't get her way, she starts being abusive and she starts cursing and what I notice she's doing now is physically threatening me with harm when she can't get her way. The first time I came here and I put up with that for more than a year, I got fed up and moved out.

I found that living on my own was tough as I was falling behind with finances but I was happy. I could get up when I wanted to, go to bed when I wanted to, leave and come back when I wanted to, but then she got looney and begged for me to come back. Despite every fiber in my being telling me that I should not come back, reality forced me to move back so I did. That turned out to be a huge mistake as I have had to contend with physical and verbal abuse from her literary every day. Although her doctor says she has no signs of dementia, I know better because I see it. Most of the day I am either working on a tv project or my novel, or a film idea, so I do not keep up with what she does with her things. When she looses her things and she does a lot, all of a sudden, I am expected to know where they are when I do not have a clue what she's done with things. Then she gets frustrated with me, because I'm expected to keep up with all her things. You can not talk to her and try to explain things to her. She also loves gossiping about people. I have never met anyone who knows everything that goes on in the county. When I refuse to gossip she goes off on me.

This morning she had the nerve to speak for God by saying that quote, I'm going to be dead in ten years and she will be glad when I die. That hurt me so bad. That was twice in two days she told me something like that. I made up my mind this morning that I'm moving out and I'm moving out for good. I would like to know has anyone else been through anything similar with their loved ones who are like my grandmother?

Do you think I'm making the right decision by leaving at the end of the month?

22 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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Have you ever been bullied by a parent with Dimentia? I have and I want to tell you my story (Original Post) Coolest Ranger Dec 2014 OP
Yes, get out. jeff47 Dec 2014 #1
I believe there may be no other way. bravenak Dec 2014 #2
A grandparent, sarisataka Dec 2014 #3
Leave marions ghost Dec 2014 #4
sounds like she wants you around TO abuse you Skittles Dec 2014 #5
You have to get out HappyMe Dec 2014 #6
You are making the right decision, save yourself. LawDeeDah Dec 2014 #7
You've described my wife's Aunt ... 1StrongBlackMan Dec 2014 #8
You are making the right decision, IMHO Rhiannon12866 Dec 2014 #9
My father was a narcissistic sociopath who developed dementia at the end of his life. Dont call me Shirley Dec 2014 #10
I am very sorry for what has been and is happening to you. ChisolmTrailDem Dec 2014 #11
Are you strong enough to stay away? GeorgeGist Dec 2014 #12
I wouldn't want to be subjected to it. Pacifist Patriot Dec 2014 #13
Put yourself first. Do not for one minute think you're being selfish or mean by doing so. AngryOldDem Dec 2014 #14
Yes Sweet Freedom Dec 2014 #15
What ever you do,just plain do it. Wellstone ruled Dec 2014 #16
My husband is a psychiatrist. He says that as people age, they become more mnhtnbb Dec 2014 #17
I'll echo the others and say, yes, get out. And if your relatives give you grief, well, Arugula Latte Dec 2014 #18
The first thing they teach lifeguards is that the drowning person can drown YOU. GreatGazoo Dec 2014 #19
leave, go far away demigoddess Dec 2014 #20
I had to come out of lurking to reply to this lonewolf674 Dec 2014 #21
Get out of there - TBF Dec 2014 #22

jeff47

(26,549 posts)
1. Yes, get out.
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 02:30 PM
Dec 2014

Some people are poison. And they aren't going to change.

She will get lonely. She will beg you to come back again. That's because she's looking for a victim. Don't give her one.

 

bravenak

(34,648 posts)
2. I believe there may be no other way.
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 02:34 PM
Dec 2014

My Aunt is very much like your grandmother, I believe... Very manipulative, abusive, never wants me happy, talks behind my back, told her son who was dying 'I don't care, die!', stole from my grandmother, stole from me, pulled a gun on my aunt, my mom, me....

Now, the only one with time to spend with her is her cat and a few family members who stop by. It's better this way. My sister provides a stipend for her and since she is so greedy, she prefers that over company. I feel bad, but I never call. It's too stressful. I believe she has a personality disorder, but she won't get treated.


At least you can still check on her and make sure she is doing ok, but having your own space is necessary.

sarisataka

(18,216 posts)
3. A grandparent,
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 02:37 PM
Dec 2014

The situation is toxic. Leave immediately if you cannot get her into appropriate care.

My grandmother passed over ten years ago and our family still has scars from her condition.

marions ghost

(19,841 posts)
4. Leave
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 02:38 PM
Dec 2014

You've already left mentally. So leave physically. Any way you can. Do not feel guilty, do not rehearse the past, do not try to maintain a real bond with an abuser.

Good luck. Look for better people. Sad, but sometimes family are not on your side. It probably never was your fault. Some people are just like natural disasters--out of control and spinning around and wreaking havoc. You do not deserve to be made as unhappy as they are. Give her to the universe. Move on.

Skittles

(152,964 posts)
5. sounds like she wants you around TO abuse you
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 02:41 PM
Dec 2014

get away for your own safety and sanity and if you still feel the need to check on her, do so by phone or short visit

HappyMe

(20,277 posts)
6. You have to get out
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 02:48 PM
Dec 2014

for your own mental and physical health.

Check around amongst your friends for a room mate - that may help with financial stress.

Peace and happiness.

 

LawDeeDah

(1,596 posts)
7. You are making the right decision, save yourself.
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 02:50 PM
Dec 2014

I was in a similar circumstance and have cut the cord and life is beautiful, once again. I've never been so at peace and content in my whole life without that thing nagging at me.

 

1StrongBlackMan

(31,849 posts)
8. You've described my wife's Aunt ...
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 02:58 PM
Dec 2014

My wife tells me of some of the nasty things she did to my wife when she was a child ... things that left deep emotional scars.

A couple of years ago, her husband passed away and within 6 weeks, her "loving 'step-son'" (he was a grown ass man when the Aunt married his father), told her he wanted his son to live in the mother-in-law suite of the home her husband built for them. IOWs, my dad is dead, get out.

Well, she came to live with us ... she had no where else to go. That lasted 3 weeks before we couldn't take the abuse anymore ... we found her an apartment in a nearby complex.

She's miserable and lonely; but, we are much, much happier, going by to see her every couple of days. When she starts in on her abusive ways, we kindly excuse ourselves and leave her to her misery.

Rhiannon12866

(202,970 posts)
9. You are making the right decision, IMHO
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 03:05 PM
Dec 2014

I was very lucky that my (paternal) grandmother was the most supportive person in my life -always. My mother, on the other hand, exhibited some of the behaviors that your grandmother has and they only got worse. If her doctor doesn't believe she's suffering from dementia, get a second opinion. It became unmistakable with my mother when she began talking about a fictitious son - who apparently had the same name as my brother - and she acted like anyone who questioned his existence was the nutty one. I'd suggest that you do what you can for her, but give yourself plenty of space, for your own sanity. Good luck with this. I know it's not easy...

Dont call me Shirley

(10,998 posts)
10. My father was a narcissistic sociopath who developed dementia at the end of his life.
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 03:06 PM
Dec 2014

I too have put up with a lot of the same ugliness you have had to endure. He was a bully, manipulative, demanding, authoritarian, lacked normal human emotions such as compassion and empathy. My father was never happy unless he was making everyone around him miserable, then he would walk around the house happily whistling. He was a gas-lighter, projecting his insanity on those around him, and gleeful he could make others act out his craziness. He was delighted in saying cruel and viscous things to me and others. He was physically and sexually abusive. He was abusive to animals.

Later on in his dementia he would blow up if he did not get his way. He would scream and bang his hand on my beautiful dining room table if he could not find something he misplaced. He would smack his head with his palm and say "stupid, stupid, stupid". He refused to give up his independence even though he knew he was losing his ability to function, keeping his drivers license, causing accidents. He moved from state to state so he could lie about his dementia diagnosis.

He would pit people against each other, trying to intentionally break up relationships because he was so insanely jealous of other peoples relationships. He played a terrible game of favorites with his children keeping us from developing healthy siblingships. He would not allow anyone to have an opinion different from his. He would not allow anyone happiness, he would squash it quickly.

And yes, he was a political conservative.

He damaged me so deeply that it has taken me a very long time to heal. And I am still in the healing process and will be for the rest of my life.

I uphold you in your journey of healing. Although we have our family's DNA, we do not have their soul and therefore we are our own person. We can choose to heal from the damage they caused us. We can chose to be healed.

And to answer your question, YES! Do not feel guilty, walk away for the sake of your own sanity. Your grandmother belongs in a special home for dementia patients, maybe then you could even be able to forgive her. But for your own self preservation, GO!

 

ChisolmTrailDem

(9,463 posts)
11. I am very sorry for what has been and is happening to you.
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 03:08 PM
Dec 2014

been and is happening to you.

Yes, you are making the right decision. It would be better to live under a bridge than deal with that abuse every day.


Unforunately, some happily engage in bullying. And some people think bullying is ok and/or, by their actions or lack of action, condone it. Those who do either are pathetic.

Pacifist Patriot

(24,647 posts)
13. I wouldn't want to be subjected to it.
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 03:23 PM
Dec 2014

Bullying is actually a big problem in retirement communities and assisted living facilities. Unfortunately, people who were less than kind when they were younger don't typically get kinder in their twilight years. They get meaner. The physiological and psychological reasons were explained to me when I was doing a visitation practicum, but I honestly don't remember the details. Something about losing inhibitions as our brains age.

AngryOldDem

(14,061 posts)
14. Put yourself first. Do not for one minute think you're being selfish or mean by doing so.
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 03:33 PM
Dec 2014

I have been in a similar situation to yours with an emotionally manipulative and abusive parent. Leaving was the hardest, yet best, decision I could have made for myself and my life.

If you or someone in your family can get her the help she needs, good. But do not subject yourself to that abuse. It will harm you in every way possible -- physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Have courage and take care.

Sweet Freedom

(3,995 posts)
15. Yes
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 03:45 PM
Dec 2014

Although, it wasn't dementia, it was a borderline personality disorder.

Do any of these symptoms resonate?


http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/0001063

A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms


Yes. Leave. It sounds like she has always been like this and will never change.

You have every right to be happy without feeling guilty and it is not your responsibility to fix another person.


 

Wellstone ruled

(34,661 posts)
16. What ever you do,just plain do it.
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 03:45 PM
Dec 2014

Had the same family experience,just plain got lucky with my timing when I finally said enough and severed all ties. Looking back to what might have been the possible learning cause of my parents being so hate filled and totally demanding and controlling,depression and other mental health issues that were not to be discussed or dealt with. It's tough to walk away,just don't punish yourself for doing what should have been done earlier. Yes,there will be relatives who will verbally punish you,but,they probably were or are sharing the same codependency as you. Mental health issues for we non Mental Health Professionals,is a learning curve and for many the curve can be steep. Yes,you will be dragged back into this no win family issue,but,you will be better prepared and able to keep things at arms length. Good luck it will work out. Just find your one and only friend and go forward.

mnhtnbb

(31,319 posts)
17. My husband is a psychiatrist. He says that as people age, they become more
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 04:19 PM
Dec 2014

of what they've always been.

So, yes. Get out. Do not expect the bullying to stop, or lessen. It will get worse.

It's a very difficult and tough situation to leave family. But, sometimes it has to be done
to save your own health.

Good luck with making the transition!

 

Arugula Latte

(50,566 posts)
18. I'll echo the others and say, yes, get out. And if your relatives give you grief, well,
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 04:24 PM
Dec 2014

they're more than welcome to move in with her themselves!

GreatGazoo

(3,937 posts)
19. The first thing they teach lifeguards is that the drowning person can drown YOU.
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 05:08 PM
Dec 2014

You deserve better. Yes, you are making the right decision. Set some limits and boundaries and stick to them.

lonewolf674

(6 posts)
21. I had to come out of lurking to reply to this
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 05:46 PM
Dec 2014

Because you've described something similar to my own situation. Let me preface what I'm going to say by noting that I'm not a psychiatrist or a medical doctor. Except for the physical abuse, the description of your grandmother's behavior basically described my mother. She's bipolar but not on any medication to treat it. People with that disease are notorious for being bullying control freaks, which sometimes does become physical abuse, and they seem to love micromanaging other people's lives for them. Often, people with the disease aren't aware that their behavior is making other people's lives a living hell, and I personally think that's because people who are bipolar lack the capability to empathize with other people's needs and feelings. In any case, in my mother's mind it's everyone else who has the problem but never her or her behavior.

As other people on this thread have already told you the best solution is for you to get out of that situation, and from your post, it sounds like you already know that's the best solution. However, if you choose to stay, or leave but keep your grandmother in some aspect of your life, you need to understand a couple things: you will never have a normal relationship with her as long as whatever is going on with her mentally remains untreated, and you will have to be comfortable with setting boundaries and enforcing them when she inevitably starts crossing the line. She can only treat you in a manner that you allow her to. With my mother, when she has gone on one of her tears, sometimes all it has taken is telling her to leave my home, and not to come back until she's capable of treating me with respect and dignity. As I'm also the caregiver for my grandmother, who is in the moderate to severe stage of Alzheimer's, I remind my mother that her mother doesn't need to deal with her antics either. Setting boundaries like that usually sends my mother into a rage, but you know what? I don't care because I'm allowed to have my own peace of mind, as are you, and I already have enough on my plate taking care of my grandmother, my home, my dog and doing everything I need to do as far as my career and myself without having to deal with her issues.

As far as your suspicion that your grandmother is developing dementia, short term memory loss isn't always a precursor of that disease but it can be an indicator. When I first started caring for my grandparents, I learned not all doctors are adept at identifying dementia spectrum diseases in the early stage. Does your grandmother have health insurance? Because the best advice I can give is to find out if it covers a referral to a neurologist, particularly one who's experienced in dealing with elderly populations, and getting her in for an exam. You may have to stretch the truth or trick her into going because people in the early stages of dementia spectrum diseases will sometimes believe there's nothing wrong with them, or will try covering it up to the point of becoming belligerent because they sense there's something wrong with them but are confused about the why. A neuro will run a set of diagnostic tests and if your grandmother does indeed have a dementia spectrum disease, can identify the specific disease, stage her and work from there. However, if she does have a dementia spectrum disease and you choose to stay, you have to understand that as the disease progresses and her cognitive abilities decline, she will become increasingly dependent on you. When I started out with my grandparents, all I had to do was make sure they were taking their meds and eating properly. Now, my grandmother requires assistance with just about everything someone without the disease can do for themselves like getting in and out of bed, getting dressed, self care, walking, etc. And this is on top of med management and meal preparation. From your post, it sounds like you're someone who values their freedom, and caregiving for someone with a dementia spectrum disease is the opposite of that. There's nothing wrong with that either because caregiving is not for everyone. It's a lot of work, especially in terms of physical labor, it's very time consuming and there are a lot of things in your own life that will have to be put on hold while you're caring for the person. Some people also can't do it because of their own feelings toward the person with the disease would get in the way of caring for them. So if because of your situation you think your grandmother would be better off in an assisted living facility, you shouldn't feel bad if you have to put her in one.

I hope you're able to figure things out and get your grandmother the care she obviously needs now and is going to need in the future. As I said, I can certainly empathize with your situation. Things may seem overwhelming right now, but they will work themselves out in time.

TBF

(31,921 posts)
22. Get out of there -
Tue Dec 9, 2014, 05:52 PM
Dec 2014

If you feel like you need to help you can always research county services that may be available to her. For now I think you need to save yourself. You're the grandchild. Where are her children? If she is ready for assisted living or similar they need to be working on that.

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