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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsMy dilemma
My dilemma
My wife and I have often taken our parents (My In-laws) to Dr. Appointments, the past Monday was such a trip. While in the waiting room my mother In-law goes in on the signage at the Dr. Office because it is written in English and Spanish Why the hell is there is a Spanish version this is America usually I try and ignore her rants but in her old age I think her hearing is fading so basically she screams her rants. On another occasion outside of her house she was screaming again about her supposed illegals not having work permits for home improvements that they were making, my wife and I quickly silenced her but everyone with 50 feet must have heard her from the looks we received. The biggest problem is that they live alone and I just cant image what happens when were not there. Clearly I dont agree with her FOX News watching ACA hating beliefs, but I have to ride the fence to keep the peace. Last but not least my father in-law need a hearing aid but his insurance will not pay one nickel and my wife suggest they try ACA which was met with stone-face expressions, why did I have to inherit Tea-Bagger in-laws?
What is the proper approach to deal with this issue? Or should I just leave it alone?
Also might I add that when she rants about Mexicans I have a hard time believing that she doesnt have the same animosity towards black people of which I belong SMH.
leftofcool
(19,460 posts)They grew up in a different time. Old folks don't change their spots just because the world changes around them. If papa needs a hearing aid and doesn't want to go with ACA, then papa can just keep on being hard of hearing. Ya gotta love the old ones.
Not that i don't love them but it is hard to help them even with simple things when they view the world so harshly.
marions ghost
(19,841 posts)--comebacks you use to protect your own psyche. Make sure they're very even and balanced. Make them kind of general, like--"let's not get into all that negativity please." "Let's move on to some happier topics"--whatever--but distract them with positives instead of reacting to negatives.
Behavioral conditioning. Like you do with a dog. When they behave they get the treats (ie. you are nice to them). When they misbehave they get the terse pointed one liner (you cut off the conversation and go cold and distant). Whatever you do, do NOT give your in-laws more attention for bad behavior.
Beyond this, not much you can do. But don't be embarrassed in public if she rants. Others will see what's going on and sympathize--and if they think like her, perhaps they need to witness a case of Prejudice Gone Nuts.
narnian60
(3,510 posts)As my mom has aged and her Fox viewing increased, she has become so negative and judgemental, I see myself withdrawing more and more from her. Of course, I help her with whatever she needs, but the time I spend with her for fun has definitely decreased. I can't stand waiting for her next rude, insensitive, negative, racist comment to drop. You are not alone, Mr. Dixon!
aikoaiko
(34,127 posts)Newest Reality
(12,712 posts)Agree with her in the sense that you understand where she is coming from and then add something transformational rather than argumentative. Do it regularly and see what happens.
"Oh, it would be nice if we all spoke one language. I like the romance languages, though. Have you ever listened to the sound of Spanish? It sounds nice even if you don't know what it means."
Take what she says and feed it back in a new way that suggests something more useful and positive without challenging or judging her point of view.
Then, move on. Rinse and repeat. Your creativity takes you out of confines of a "dilemma" and moves you into a range of options. Be consistent for a while and try something else until you see it works. You are dealing with habitual patterns that play like a program or a tape, so gentile interruptions and distractions at the start of a rant, or tacking on new ideas to them to create new frames and associations could be useful and less frustrating.
Mr Dixon
(1,185 posts)greats insight thanks
Sancho
(9,065 posts)we thought it would cause trouble, but our Mother just turned around until she hit CNN and left it there.
We were fully prepared to fix it back if she requested, but she hasn't said a word and it's been a couple years.
I guess it depends on the exact people you're dealing with, but FOX is attractive to our retired neighbor's too. The older crowd (and I'm not far from it) emotionally identify with some of the FOX "preachers".
Some older folks repeat what they hear, and may not be able to read editorials, check on DU, or talk to other people often. Except for a church service, FOX is the word. Frankly, FOX gets the older crowd upset sometimes. After a few arguements that Obama was not born in Africa, there are no death panels, etc., we just decided it was time to keep Mom from something else to worry about...maybe a little friendly censorship is appropriate.
Honestly, dealing with older parents and in-laws is such a challenge. Good luck!