More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today, Trump Orange Pumpkin Edition

Boy, remember the good old days, when the Presidential election season didn't really start until after Labor Day? The Labor Day of the actual year the election was taking place in? Well, Halloween is always an appropriate season to talk about the latest instances of Republican doublethink, so here we go in the twentieth installment of an irregularly released series (about irregular people)

First a few restatements and updates.

Remember when Trump opened his mouth to slam John McCain's war record?
* Bill Clinton was a draft dodger for not serving in Vietnam. But it was okay for Dick Cheney, George W. and Jeb Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, Clarence Thomas, Dan Quayle, Tom Delay, Tom Tancredo, Pat Buchanan, Donald Trump, and Willard Mitt Romney not to go.

(Can you believe I actually haven't had to update that one in a while?)

The (almost literally) All-Day Benghazi Inquisition reminds us:

* You spend millions of taxpayer dollars investigating the Clinton's land deals, Bill Clinton's blow jobs, and Benghazi, then turn around and accuse the Democrats of wasteful spending.

* You voted for cuts to State Department embassy security budgets, and are angry about the Benghazi attack.

* The intelligence failures of September 11, 2001 (3000 dead) are forgivable. The intelligence failures of September 11, 2012 (four dead) are not.

Because a lot of the Teabaggers hate that whole "birthright citizenship" thing, from the very first list:

* You show how strictly you follow the Constitution by wanting to ignore the First, Fourth, Fifth, Thirteenth, Fourteenth, and Sixteenth Amendments. Well, really all the amendments except the Second, and sometimes the Tenth.

Right-wing furor over same sex marriage always brings to mind...

* The Bible is the inerrant, literal word of God when it talks about the Earth being created in six days and homosexuality being an abomination. The Bible is a flawed work interpreted by errant humans when it talks about loving your neighbor; turning the other cheek; and the evils of greed, mixed-fiber clothing, and shellfish.

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

Once again, telling about things Republicans actually do is bad...
* "Trash Talk"--talking about Scott Walker's record as Governor of Wisconsin.

And...
* "Playing Politics"--quoting something Kevin McCarthy actually said.

* People who opposed the continued display of a symbol of armed treason and racism, a full century and a half after the revolt it represents failed, are the ones "living in the past"

* Americans aren't working hard enough, but they shouldn't be paid more even when they work more hours.


* Criticism of a war veteran is disgusting and offensive--unless that war veteran is John Kerry, Max Cleland, or Tammy Duckworth. Or even John McCain when he runs against a Bush.

* You don't believe in funding veteran's aid programs, but throw a massive fit every time somebody criticizes a (Republican) veteran.

* A $75 million retirement package is an "outrage" and shows that the retiree was "exploited"

* You decry the vocational skill gap in American workers while attacking teacher's unions and pushing to cut school funding.

* Research on fetal tissue is immoral and disgusting, except when a conservative doctor with Presidential ambitions does it.

* No abortions for ten year olds impregnated by rape. The little slut probably had it coming.

* An international agreement curtailing Iran's nuclear program will make it easier for Iran to get nuclear weapons and kill us all.

* A Constitutional Amendment won't hold up in Federal court.

* A Republican donor who uses the internet to cheat on his wife has the moral authority to cast aspersions on Bill and Hillary Clinton's marriage.

* You've been married four times and had children out of wedlock, but get the vapors at the thought of issuing marriage licenses to homosexual couples.

* You throw a fit over the spectre of "Sharia law" but fully support a county clerk who won't do her job for "religious freedom" reasons.

* You're for "state's rights", but throw a fit when the name of a Republican President is taken off a mountain in favor of the name favored by residents of the state containing that mountain.

* Republican Presidents should never ever EVER have their foreign policy initiatives questioned by Congress. Democratic Presidents have to put their foreign policy initiatives up for Congressional approval.

Sometimes, you just can't make stuff up. If slagging John McCain wasn't enough...
* Getting sent to military school is just as good as actually serving in the military.

* After thirty-five years of bellicose anti-government, anti-immigrant, anti-science, pro-rich rhetoric it is shocking and confusing that an obnoxious, ignorant, racist billionaire businessman is leading the polls for the Republican presidential nomination.

* "Clockmaking while Muslim" is a criminal offense.


* You're a pot smoker who runs on an "anti-marijuana" platform.


* A Presidential debate discussing substantive issues instead of self-aggrandizing one-liners and personal attacks is a bad thing.


* "Police, stop killing black people for no discernible reason" = "Police, stop doing your jobs"


Thanks to Scurrilous for this one:
* Someone who settled a $8.9 billion lawsuit against an oil company for $225 million (a mere 2.5% of the original lawsuit) is qualified to call someone else a bad negotiator.

* A talk radio host caught abusing Oxycontin has the moral authority to insinuate someone he doesn't like is "off their meds"