I wish you peace in your heart and soul.

So deeply sorry for your loss. Wish I could offer help, but am still grieving the loss of my 45 year old son. The pain runs so deeply, nobody understands unless they have been through it. You are young, it will evnually hurt less, and you will remember the good times more often.

I had something to say other than I hope you can find some peace and a sense of community here.

Allow yourself to feel how you feel and grieve. But, remember that your kindred spirit would want you to remember the good times and smile at his memory. Love never dies.

may you find healing and comfort with friends and family.

the incredible pain you must feel. I won't pretend to understand.

However, no matter how alone you think you are, there is always someone offering you a loving embrace.

I can only offer you my sincere condolences. I still have my spouse of 47 years, so cannot speak to your loss. I wish I could offer you more. Hang in there. Take one day at a time.

I've learned to finally be able to smile now, I think of the good times we had together.

It took a while to be able to do that. It will come. There is no time frame though, the pain will always be there but in time you will be able to smile.

IMO- there is nothing more difficult in life than losing a loved one. There are no words that make this easier but knowing that others do care and are here can bring a sliver of solace to one. My heart goes out to you in this very difficult time.

I hope you have friends and family nearby to help you get through this time. You definitely need to not be alone for a while.

What happened?

But more tests are being done. Unfortunately I was not with him when it happened - he was found on the floor of the bathroom in his mother's house. I hope that's not too ghoulish a response.

Thank you all for your thoughts and condolences...

I hope he didn't suffer much.

Chances of surviving a coronary occlusion are slim even if one is lucky enough to have one in an ER. One of my sons specialised in cardiology as a PA; he told me that when one of the customers had a heart attack in the restaurant where I was working. CPR was started almost immediately by a dishwasher but the man was dead when the ambulance arrived. Of course everyone was blaming the ambulance crew for not getting there sooner. The customer had had a stress test four days earlier and everything looked good.

Chances are there was nothing you could have done to save him. Please don't beat yourself up. You're in enough pain already.

Those are never planned and after 10 years,and thinking of getting old together his world changed in a day It's traumatic and I offer my deepest sympathy
Take care

Last edited Wed Aug 24, 2016, 08:06 PM - Edit history (1)

That's what happened to my mother.

It was like someone hit the off switch.

You may find comfort in the idea that he didn't even see it coming.

It eats me up to think he may have struggled or was in pain or even knew what was happening. I don't want him to have had the least bit of fear.

May you find peace and comfort and the strength to carry on.

Heartfelt white light and comfort sent your way. I'm so sorry.
Be kind to yourself, allow your grief to speak. Know that you are not alone.

Lilly

I have dealt with deaths in my family by clinging to other loved ones. My husband is still with me, but we are getting older, so have to prepare ourselves for the inevitable. Also, don't know if you are spiritual, but this can offer solace also.
choie

echo what everyone else has said. My heartfelt condolences, Choie. Life can be so unfair and this is one of those instances. Please stay strong; I am happy you found such happiness while he was here, and he will forever be in your heart.

He was so young, what a sad loss. Many condolences.

Hoping you have good memories to keep.

Deepest sympathy - I just came off the phone after chatting with a very good friend whose husband literally fell down dead a year ago. Hug those you love - talk about your pain and accept the goodwill those who love you want to provide. It took her a year before she could go through some aspects of his life - his music collection for example. Now she's beginning to understand that he really isn't coming back.
For now cry your eyes out - it's cathartic. It takes time and he'll always be special, but you'll heal.

Sudden death is the worst. Healing from it will take time, so try to be good to yourself. Time is what it's going to take.

to hear this. The 2 of you have not had nearly enough time together. I hope you find some peace in your memories of him and with him. May that peace help you through this hard time.

I'm not sure how to provide you with solace. Time seemed to be the only remedy for my past losses.

I don't know anything about either of you but losing someone this young and this early into a happy marriage can't help but feel incredibly wrong.

Grief is like an illness and someone who is grieving has to do it in their own way and in their own time, and you need people to care for you while you slowly absorb this shock. Reaching out here is good. Reaching out in real life is better. This is SO fresh, I can't imagine you'll know how you'll feel in the days and weeks to come. But over time it'll become easier to think and you have to hold onto patience that you'll move on step by step, and some kind of path will open.

Hold on.

Two of my friends lost their husbands and so many of their family and friends kept telling them to get over it and to move on. That hurt them so much. I'm not good at expressing my feelings so all I could do was to be there when they needed an ear and when they wanted to get out to do things again.

It took a while but they both eventually found joy in life again even though they missed their loved ones.

Years later they have both found new significant others. Neither is the same as the husbands they lost but both men are good companions that provide my friends love and support.

choie,

it's gonna suck to be you for a long while. dont apologize for it, or beat yourself up over it.

keep reaching out.

that time will make it a little better.

Go ahead and grieve for the man you love, it's only fitting. Just take care of yourself, come up for air between your sobs, he would want you to. And don't forget to eat, even though you feel like you might choke. And though sleep won't come easily, if at all, think about the good times as you lie there awake.

My heart is with you. You will find a way.

Our lives are too short for the joys we find

Take comfort in knowing you are amongst friends here and we won't let you down. Come talk anytime you feel the want or need
We'll be here

Had a bereavement group - or maybe I did and blithely thought I'd enever need it. Thank you for letting me know.

He was just a year older than me! That is way too young.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope you have family and friends nearby to hold and love you through this tragic time.

I've been thru a lot of loss this year alone. The hole in one's heart is not easily filled with words.

May Mr Choie cross gently.

How devastating.

Healing thoughts headed you way but you have to deal with it about 99% on your own.

My sincere condolences to you. Dana ; )

Gone far too soon from you, I am sad for you.

One foot in front of the other, a good friend or therapist to talk to and whatever offers you consolation and support for as long as ever you need it. I am so, so sorry.

I know you will see this suggestion already posted...there are support groups.

I have been with a support group for a different kind of loss and it was a way for me to work through a sorrow
with people who understood completely.


We are here on DU...post to let us know how you are feeling.

Tikki

Here's what I do to find a breath in grief.

I talk to the person I've lost, tell them I love them and miss them, thank them, remember moments and special times. I talk out loud. I love you. I miss you.

Just did so today again.

Every time I see someone and think for a moment it's them, I speak my love out loud. It helps me.

This graphic helps with breathing in and out when the pain and loss is hard to bear.

http://m.imgur.com/gallery/yQyS7

Will be thinking of you. Sending you aloha and peace. Your love lights his path. Aloha.

as I am sending condolences. So very very sorry.

my daughter was killed suddenly when she was 21, that was 15 years ago now. what i want you to know, other than you are not alone, is that it gets better with time. give yourself ALL the time you need to grieve, and never judge yourself. I also recommend grief counseling, although you may not be ready for that for a month or two.

you've been through a terrible shock. be kind to yourself. I cannot tell you it's easy - but it will get better, i can promise you that. hugs.

I cannot begin to understand your pain. Be sure to treat yourself kindly during this incredible difficult time.

You will be in my thoughts. I wish there was an easy way through grief, but there is not.

Your DU family is around you with love and hugs.

I lost my son very suddenly when he was 42, a little over 2 years ago. It truly breaks your heart when you lose someone you love more than life itself. But you will be OK. Just remember how honored you were and are to have him in your life, even if only for such a short time. the people we love are worth the pain we feel for their loss.

You'll be able to move past the worst of the pain, enough to stop feeling the horrible rawness you're feeling now. You're love for him will always be with you, and your short time together is full of the best of memories.

Sending love to you in this very difficult time.

I never lost a partner but still feel the loss of my dad after 16 years.
I promise unbearable pain does get more tolerable.
May I recommend something strange?
I took to color books and colored pencils
( crayolas are good- Prisma brands are best)
back then before it was fashionable...
simple tasks to keep your mind and hands occupied.
Dont be hard on yourself if you just cant do stuff.
Good luck to you.
We are here.

The only advice I can offer is try to deal with the pain is know that you loved and were loved. Mr. Choie would want you to remember that.

I wish I had better words to express the empathy I am trying to send out to you. Your post broke my heart to think how unfair life is to so many who deserve their share of the happiness many of take for granted everyday.

I hope that you have friends and family nearby or available to talk whenever you need it, or are ready for it. Nothing I can say is adequate in a situation like this, but may the best memories of your time together burn forever bright in your memory and help you in the days to come.

live now in a way he would be proud of you

I want to be
the weeping gardener
of the ground you occupy,
and compost so early,
my soul mate.

To feed the garden snails in the rain,
organ of my voiceless pain,
surrendering your heart as food,
to the disheartened roses.
Such pain clumps in my chest,
that breath is agony.

A hard fist, an icy blow,
an axe strike, homicidal and unseen,
a brutal push tumbled you.

There is no wider chasm than my wound,
I cry to misfortune and her companions,
I feel your death, more than my life.

Unkempt and unshaved,
without warmth or consolation,
I tend to my affairs soullessly.

Death took flight early,
and early came the dawn of morn,
and early it spills upon the ground.

I do not forgive death for loving you,
or forgive life for its distraction,
or forgive the ground,
or forgive oblivion.

With bare hands I raise a storm,
of stones, bolts and strident axes,
thirsting and hungering for catastrophe.

With bare teeth I want to dig the ground,
and move the dirt part by part,
in dry and furious bites.

I want to mine the earth until I find you,
to kiss your noble skull,
unbind your body and return you,
to my garden and my fig tree.

Your soul that was,
so effortlessly gentle,
will flutter like a bird,
among the flowered trellises,
and will return at the murmur
of the iron gates,
where lovers meet.

You will lighten the shadows of my brow,
and your blood will flow through my garden.
Competing for the bees and for your girl,
your velvet heart will summon forth,
a crop of snowy almond blossoms.
But my jealous voice will call you
away from the almond trees,
to the winged souls of the roses.
For we have much to talk about,
my soul mate,
my companion.

The Weeping Gardener
By Miguel Hernández

Words seem pale comfort, but in your heart remember the love you had for each other is something that has no end. It remains with us in our hearts and our memories as long as we live.

Peace

Lee

Keep remembering your good times together. Time is short. Love is true forever.

I lost my husband last year and it was, and still is, the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with.

Keep friends and family close - let them be as helpful as they can be during this time. By sharing your feelings with others, as you've done here, you are already on the right road.

This poem by John Donne has been a great comfort to me in times like these. He describes the bond between two people who love each other like that of a mathematical compass. Even though death anchors one leg as the other swings away from the other, the two legs incline toward one other and remain joined at the head leaving the one to orbit around the other continuing to make it the center of its universe. Somehow it always makes me feel connected to the one I lost when I am feeling heartbroken and alone. Sorry for your painful loss. Hope this helps.

you need to let yourself feel whatever you are feeling.
trust that people who know and care about you...understand that you need to grieve or shout of withdraw or whatever it is that will help you through this time.
there is no right way to be in mourning...its whatever you need to do to survive

.

Please accept my most heartfelt condolences.

I have no words to help you with your pain. I just know he wouldn't want you to be sad but how can you not be. Get outside, enjoy the beauty of flowers and sky and trees. Surround yourself with those you love.

My best.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I remember something our Vice President said: not today, not tomorrow, but some day, you'll be able to think about your special person and how much joy they brought you and others they loved. And then a small soft smile will come, not just tears.

I will pray that it will get better for you sooner.

For consolation.

Such a devastating, devastating loss.

Stay with us, please.

You're cared about here. Your voice matters.

We value you in this community.

Thank you for reaching out to us.

We're not "just on the internet," we ARE a community, and we care.

But that said, do reach out in other ways to real people for real help, too. Don't try to tough something this devastating out, on your own.

Many hospitals and hospices sponsor grief groups that are open to anyone, not just those who've used their facilities, and they are facilitated by professionals who understand loss and grief. The other people in those groups are sharing similar feelings. They're less likely to say some of the insensitively clueless things well-intentioned friends and neighbors say, that rip the hole in your heart further.

It may seem like too much to ask of yourself, when this kind of devastation sucks so much life and energy out of you, but push toward it anyway, slowly, at your own pace.

Your love, your soulmate, the one who cared the most, ask yourself what he'd want for you. Then try to give yourself that, because it WILL be from him. Your knowledge of him is still in your heart and will be with you forever.

Keep reaching out.

We won't get tired of being here for you, that's what a community is about.

lovingly,
Bright

your husband fill your heart and help ease your sadness.

I know the words may seem trite, but they are heartfelt regardless.

Take care.

- C.D. Proud Member of the Reality Based Community

I am so very sorry for your loss. Peace to you and yours.

They say time heals all wounds, I say times makes it easier to bear the sorrows, but the pain never goes away.

None of us deserve this life we live. We are lucky to have even a day a week a month of it.

You have years of the best of luck: love. I hope it remains with you, and what you have learned and gained can be the strength you need to pass this moment and reveal its joy for others to share.

He was much too young and you had too little time together. Please accept my sincere condolences!

I can't begin to imagine the shock. He was so young, and it was so sudden, and you expected to grow old with him. My heart is broken for you.

Are you the kind of person who is drawn to rituals, or altars, or anything you can do or create to turn some of your emotional pain into a physical thing? I wonder whether having a symbol of your grief out there in the world, where you can look at something outside yourself, might relieve some of the internal pain you're feeling without trying to make it go away before its time. Or would it help to do good deeds in his name, to spread to others the joy that he brought to you? Just little acts of kindness, like holding a door, or offering a smile to a stranger, in his honor?

So sorry to hear of your loss.

Your love would want you to press on. He would want to see you smile. He loved it when you smiled. Don't let the light of love go dim. Be happy. Because that is what his love for you would want. Right now, if you can't smile to the world, look up and give him a big smile. He would want to know..

Time does, indeed, heal, but please know that grieving is normal and is part of the journey toward peace.

If I had any advice to give it would be not to spend too much time alone. I believe it would be a great source of comfort to have friends and loved ones close to help you through your time of grief.

...
https://m.

I wish I had words of wisdom to share, but the best advice I received once was "Take it a day at a time. If you can't take it a day at a time, take an hour at a time. If an hour seems too much, tell yourself you can get through the next five minutes. You will survive, will always miss him, but the pain will lessen over time. Two years. Three years. Five years...in time you will heal."

How completely awful for you and your families. Thank you for sharing this with us, virtual strangers and yet a virtual family that cares. I hope, when a few more days have passed, that you are able to start thinking about finding real-life support. In the meantime, know that our hearts are with you and anytime you need to come to DU for caring words and our famous group hugs, you have only to ask. I've been here a long time and it never fails to astound me, how this community cares about its members, in times of grief or joy. I send you a tsunami of love and light.

Please feel free to PM me if you need to "talk."

I lost my husband in 2007, I still feel blank as to why I am still here. I wish you luck and good and beautiful
memories.

Penny

One thing that gave me comfort and helped me when losing someone close is thay you have to realize that it will get better but the feeling never totally goes away. You were blessed to have such a caring person in your life. He cannot rest in peace until you are at peace. I did not know him but from your description he would not want you to suffer or continue to grieve yourself sick. He obviously cared about you too much for that.

Peace

Only 48? His death is sad enough, but only 48 years old? That is so YOUNG!!!

It's hard to know what to say because I know what you really want is to be with him again and hold him again and hear his voice and his laughter. And none of us is able to help you reach that.

All I do know is what happened to me the night my mom died after years of illness. We had a difficult relationship pretty much all the way along, so I was awash in grief, confusion, mixed feelings, and just a cyclone of conflicting bittersweet thoughts and memories.

So, sometime during the wee hours in the middle of a sleepless night, I sat with my computer and posted about her passing on DU.

I could not believe what happened next.

There was a reply. And then another one. And then another one.

Soon there were dozens. And more dozens. And still more. They just kept coming and coming and coming.

By the next afternoon there were several hundred! Everyone so sweet and sympathetic - plenty of empathy, too, from people who were in mourning for loved ones themselves. Offers of comfort and suggestions for staying zen about it. The love and camaraderie and support was literally overwhelming. It buoyed me up - tremendously! People I only knew from an anonymous online hangout just rose to help me and sit with me so I didn't feel alone. I was so touched that I STILL get choked up about it, as I'm doing as I write this, and - shit, come this fall she'll have been gone ten years.

I wanted to share this with you for two reasons - just a gesture about what an outpouring of comfort and kindness and care and concern that was (and I'm so gratified to know you're discovering it for yourself now), and as a reaffirmation to anyone else who reads this as to how much I STILL appreciate it and will NEVER forget it. That meant the world to me, and it sure did help me get through that strange and sad time.

Make a note of this thread, or save it in some way. You may find great continuing solace referring back to it, especially in moments where you feel particularly unsettled anew by the loss, or it takes you longer than you expected to come to terms with it, or you feel alone. It will help you so much! You won't believe how many people care about you, including those you've never even met. A thread like this is all the proof you need. There are MANY strong pairs of shoulders here very willing to be there for you. They will buoy you up.

Just go through the motions of what you know is fitting to honor him.
Keep him and all the good memories close to you; they will offer comfort when you need it most.
May you find peace.

I wish I could give you more than

My thoughts are with you

It hurts just to read of your pain.

*tears*

Please know your post has moved so many of our hearts.

Keep your strength up. When it is time to eat put food in your mouth and chew. It will take time learn to eat again. Drink plenty of liquids to help swallow food and for all the tears you are going to have. Don't rush any major decisions and talk to others you trust when you do. Your pain is so sudden and new I wish I could tell you something I've learned the last ten months that would help. I still have pain and tears days but not every day all day. Peace to you.

You are going through such a tough loss. To lose your beloved husband so suddenly. It will be very hard and time really does help. But you are going through this horrible pain now and should take care of yourself and know Mr. Choie knows you love him and the kind of love you have with last forever.

...but I'm sobbing right now.

Don't even know what to say in a situation like this when someone you love is taken so young. Certainly does not seem fair and my wish is that you cope as best you can, take the time you need however long to grieve, remember the memories you two created, and find a way to move forward while keeping those cherished memories close to your heart.

May you find some peace and happiness soon.