This week, Gwyneth has mostly been thinking about hip New York restaurants, bold fashion prints and quantum mechanics – though her communiqué majors on the latter. "I am fascinated by the growing science behind the energy of consciousness and its effects on matter," it begins. "I have long had Dr Emoto's coffee table book on how negativity changes the structure of water."

I think you'll agree there's a lot to enjoy in that sentence – primarily the fact that this Dr Emoto publishes his research in a coffee-table book. It makes me realise what an impact The Origin of Species could have made had Charles Darwin only thought to present it in a photo-rich format that could take its place as a glorified coaster, alongside books with names such as Poverty Style: A Journey Through Third World Bohemia, and The World's 23 Most Important Infinity Pools.

Fortuitously, Gwyneth's quack-in-chief Dr Habib Sadeghi is on hand to explain this whole water science. The good doctor was last seen explaining "conscious uncoupling" to the world – but it turns out he's equally at home giving tutorials in quantum physics, which is encouraging. It makes me hope that one day the scientists at Cern will use their power for good, and turn their wasted opportunity of a collider into a supergreens juicer, or a machine to discover the elusive celebrity self-awareness particle.

According to Sadeghi, the lesson of quantum physics is that physical matter does not exist, and that "everything is just energy in different states of vibration". Thereafter, he wants to talk about the aforementioned Dr Masaru Emoto, who apparently did some experiments with water in the 1990s. Over to Sadeghi: "Emoto poured pure water into vials labelled with negative phrases like 'I hate you' or 'fear'," we learn. "After 24 hours, the water was frozen, and no longer crystallized under the microscope: it yielded gray, misshapen clumps instead of beautiful lace-like crystals. In contrast, Emoto placed labels that said things like 'I love you' or 'peace' on vials of polluted water, and after 24 hours, they produced gleaming, perfectly hexagonal crystals. Emoto's experiments proved that energy generated by positive or negative words can actually change the physical structure of an object."