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Reminds me of the Leather Pants episode of 'Friends.'
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So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No mess, no fuss.
How hard can it be?
I mean, Im not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold wax, yeah right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
It works!
OK, so it wasnt the best feeling, but it wasnt too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north after checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) ..
I inhale deeply and brace myself RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
Im blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!! .OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that Ive only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIPP!
Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out must stay conscious must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
Theres no hair on it.
Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip its not! I touch. .. I am touching wax!!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself Please dont let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
Ill run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesnt melt cold wax.
So, now Im stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. Its a very good conversation starter So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!
There is a slight pause.
She doesnt know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?
Shes laughing out loud by now I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone elses night.
While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and Im pretty sure Im going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace .the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
Its sooo painful, but I really dont care.
IT WORKS!!
It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair ?
THE HAIR IS STILL HERE .ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off.
Heck, Im numb by now.
Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week Im going to try hair color
Now share this one and give your friends a good laugh!
(Facebook source original writer not know )
840high
(17,196 posts)girlie goodies?
840high
(17,196 posts)panader0
(25,816 posts)I've never had that urge either, but I'm a guy, and most guys my age (think older), don't shave bodily hair. I haven't had a hair cut in 30 years. Hell, I'm part Indian, (Crow), and didn't get a full beard until my hair was starting to grey. As a teen, I eagerly awaited chest hairs. Now I am quite hairy.
The hair on my head is falling off and growing on my ears, and the eyebrows are getting wild. I actually have to cut some eyebrow hairs now because they get in my eyes. But no ear waxing for me. I can't understand the young guys these days so anxious to shave their parts. As an old hippie type, I don't care if women shave either. Let it all hang out.
enlightenment
(8,830 posts)Thanks for sharing that!
pinboy3niner
(53,339 posts)Bombero1956
(3,539 posts)blue neen
(12,319 posts)That skit was a scream!
Brother Buzz
(36,383 posts)After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.
I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...
blue neen
(12,319 posts)I'm crying! That was hilarious!