It doesn't sound very happy this morning but everyday is a gift. Look for the small things that make you happy: hearing a bird sing, watching wild birds frolic in a dust bath, flowers (even if they are weeds) blooming.
When you quit drinking you started a new life, a sober life ... so you are actually only three months old = lots of time do things differently one day at a time. Look for the happy distractions.

I never was much of a drinker in the first place. I didn't like beer until I was in my early 30s. When I was living in Irving I would usually buy a six pack of something like Mike's Hard Lemonade and it would last me 2-3 weeks.

Now the catnip, well that's a whole 'nother story. Since I've been away I've had some really irregular dreams and all of them involve something where it seems like I'm racing against time to accomplish a task and it seems like my brain is going 90 miles an hour. I don't wake up feeling refreshed and at times I feel stressed out from my dreams.

I'm also concerned about how my cat is doing over at my sister's place in Houston. She is kept in a cage on her back porch and doesn't get much freedom to roam around. There have been some stray dogs and birds getting in her back yard which has gotten my cat alarmed. While the cat has adapted somewhat to being around my sister and BIL it also sounds like it has been stressful for her.

I'm in limbo right now as far as waiting to hear about my SSDI, but I found out the benefit would be about $500/month more than I expected if I qualify. I expect that the next step will involve having a stress test to evaluation my functions. My stamina is about half of what it was just a year ago and I doubt that I could work in most retail jobs that would involve standing due to issues with my feet. I can still ride my bike for about a mile or two, but I have to stop about every half-mile due to exhaustion even when proceeding at a slow clip. I also have more difficulty concentrating and frequently drop small objects. I'm also beginning to have problems with my right eye and it seems like there is an "empty" feeling like it is missing ocular fluid along with blurry vision

The only thing about this area that makes it attractive are that there are a lot of magnolia and pecan trees. There are some people that have some decent flowers, but the area is relatively flat which I don't like very much.

I'm about out of gas for tonight...

on another successful trip around the sun!!!

but sometimes I wonder how do I get off this ride. My latest batch of dreams have my head spinning and it feels like my brain is racing at 90 mph. They usually involve trying to race to accomplish some task with people that I haven't seen in 15 or 20 years. Sometimes I feel more exhausted than before I went to bed.

And to break the monotony, why not run for Governor? Looks like an easy job and doesn't require any type of formal education beyond fifth grade. I bet you could even do it part time.

I know that I'm more qualified than the current GOP nominee, the current one and his predecessor. I just wouldn't want my entire life being publicized in the press and I'm not that comfortable as a public speaker. I'd have too many anxiety attacks.

Now my attitude is "Any day you don't wake up dead is a good one"

but I rarely get to do things or associate with the people that made my younger days enjoyable. Part of it is my fault and part of it is due to what should be expected as everyone (including myself) ages. I'm in that "been there, seen that, move along now" mindset.

I've always had a bit of rebel in me. That's why I had so many friends that were 10-20 years younger than myself because I was a non-conformist, zany, and slightly (okay, significantly) insane.

I can sort of perhaps empathise. I never put much in birthdays, but around your age I did some thinking on what I wished to do. I tried som new education. It worked for me, but didn't work out.
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But I got something out of it.
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I do not know how to be or get "happy" though.
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I just looked and look for interesting things to do. For a while it was cooking, gardening, walking and as mentioned... education.
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I found a game once on the internet that was interesting a few years. Paint/ drawing programs held my interest a while. Compiling a music collection from web was good for a year. A couple chat rooms/discussion pages have also been of interest ( DU is the latest).
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Look for an interest, it may not need be "super colossal".
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and to echo Hobbit, Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies said: Every day I wake up... I feel that I'm a winner.

If I am fortunate enough to get have my SSDI approved, I know that I won't be afford to live in either Austin or the Metroplex since the rents are too damn high. I'm thinking about moving to Georgetown since it still has a small-town feel in the older part of town. My alma mater has established a lifelong learning program (senior university) for people 50 and older. They have six week courses that only cost $25 so it would provide some social outlet. I would also be able to attend other campus activities (fine arts and athletics) and the students there are cool with alumni (particularly since I look closer to 40 than 50). I'd also be within walking distance of stores, the hospital and bus service to Austin. It would at least be better than stuck at a place where I have no connections at all.

I wish that I was more into art itself, but I never had any drawing abilities and my artistic abilities lean more to interior design as far as using effective color palettes. I've kind of done the music collection deal for about a year--see the Music Appreciation group where I've posted a lot of Friday Night Catnip threads. Unfortunately, the 60s are over so there isn't a lot of psychedelic music being released anymore.

I participate in a couple online forums besides DU, but they only provide a limited amount of interest and DU is the one that gets the most of my attention. I really need more "live" interaction than being on a computer anyways--those type of interactions are difficult to find in more populated areas and I'm not that interested in joining church groups.

Reading has been my salvation, especially during my years of poverty when I lacked money, friends, family, etc.

When I was little, I would hide under my bed or in the back of the attic with a book. I love to go to the library, find something interesting, curl up in a corner and while away the day in another world. I don't have a/c, so it keeps me cool too.

And congratulations on your birthday and outliving the tables. They're just numbers on a page. You are more than that!

my bike. Now that the temperatures are hitting the 90s, I doubt that I will be going there except to get away from my brother if we are arguing. It is also closed on Sundays and closes fairly early on Saturday.

I've been finding it very difficult to read printed materials (even those with large type) for the last year or so. I tend to either skip a line or read the same line over again when my eyes shift from the right side of a page back to the left. Those problems are even more pronounced when I read smaller typefaces and there are long paragraphs. I do most of my reading on computers these days.

I was never that fond of literature to begin with, my reading interests trended more towards science fiction and special topics in history. The last book that I read was about six years ago when I read "Prime Obsession" by John Derbyshire. It was of some interest since my degree is in math and it provided some background about European history. Afterwards, I learned that Derbyshire is a noted conservative so I wish I hadn't contributed money to line his wallet.

I have a library card and use the computers there occasionally, but the servers there are old so the pages load slowly. The building was converted from a prior purpose and there aren't any comfortable areas to really relax. It serves its purpose in a small town and is better than nothing, but the library is oriented more towards young children than adults.

I have some books that were given to me as Christmas gifts and in an effort to lighten my load I'm considering either selling them on eBay or donating them to the library. It would cause too much eyestrain to read them and for the most part aren't choices I care about anyway.

trade in the print books for the sound

Do they come on CDs or DVDs?

The biggest problem with that is that my brother gets mad when I tune him out when I wear headphones. There are times when I need to do so because he does ramble about insignificant stuff that he has told me about repeatedly. It doesn't bother me when he provides new information, but when he keeps repeating himself four or five times in a row my brain switches to the off position.

Even if it's not that great, you are still celebrating with friends -- US!!!

Can you call your cat? Even if you sound like a nut, so what? Your kitty will know your voice and it might cheer her up too!

Her name is AC and when I used to call her I would go into a falsetto on the "C" part of her name. My sister in Houston is in fairly good financial shape (probably near a millionaire), but she picks the cheapest cell phone plans is always worried either about her minutes or tells me that the cell phone battery is about to die. My brother and I discuss how cheap she can be at times and how her husband and her think that they are going to get to take the money with them after they die.

My BIL is very obese (over 300 lbs.) and my sister had her thyroid removed and also heavy so they are going to be fortunate if they survive for more than ten years. They don't have any children and live like hermits so in effect they are hoarding their money and will never get to enjoy it. My BIL is also a Fox News conservative and very closed-minded so we don't get along.

one will be very sick & then die, and the other left alone, etc., etc.

Have a happy b'day.

However, I have some doubts as to whether either one would be capable of surviving long without the other. The BIL is already having health problems due to his obesity and doesn't know how to cook or clean up after himself.

Meanwhile, my sister believes in the occult and is overly superstitious. She is also very paranoid about her privacy being invaded and spies on the neighbors like Gladys Kravitz--there is some irony to that because some people thought she was a witch when she was in high school.

Neither of them has many social outlets and both are somewhat delusional. My BIL spends most of his time surfing teabagger Websites and thinks that CNN stands for "Commie News Network" while my sister still thinks that she is more beautiful than the other women in town (she is in her younger sixties).

I may be liberal and crazy, but I'm also pragmatic and admit that I'm liberal and crazy!

Thanks for the birthday wishes. I at least had a decent dinner tonight, had a couple of marpurritas and saw a group of cute ladies.

I guess that the positive thing about being 50 is I'll start getting AARP mail, some discounts and I can start the senior university program at my alma mater if I move to Georgetown.

At least when I turned 46 I went out that night and did something fun--the Bright Light Social Hour was playing at the Lakewood Bar in Dallas on a Wednesday night so there were a few people from Southwestern there since two of the guys in the band are alumni. I had on a SU shirt so a few of the young ladies came over to flirt with me. The last few years I've been near broke so I couldn't do much of anything.

Enjoy yourself.

is online learning...there's a wealth of information out there in the form of online education, much of it free, to learn to do anything from paint to wine-tasting to yoga to grantwriting to Spanish (Really, you can learn Spanish online. For free and it's fun. You can also learn just about any language including Esperanto but does anybody really need to know Esperanto?)...so when I have nothing to do, I learn.

I never could roll an "r" and never had many reasons to speak Spanish anywhere. I was a "C" student when I took Spanish in college and it never really interested me since I'm not into literature or cultural studies. I also was around a lot of Mexican cultural activities when I was youngster living in south Texas and I wasn't interested. I know a few words in German, but I don't know anyone else that speaks it fluently so it seems pointless to learn it.

About 20 years ago I did look into wine-tasting, but never developed much affinity for it and anything related to alcohol probably isn't a good fit for me since I'm diabetic. My kidneys are already straining to keep up.

Yoga--well I used to be flexible enough to sit in the lotus position with my feet on top of the knees, but I can't do it anymore. I also could contort myself so that I could lock a foot behind my neck. Yoga would probably help with some of my balance issues. I'm just not into the meditation part of yoga though--I can't turn my brain off to relax and when I try to do so I end up getting depressed.

As I mentioned in other responses, I don't have any artistic prowess to draw so painting seems to be out of my league. The last time I attempted painting was when I had to paint a coffee cup as a memento for leaving a drug rehab program. Since my drawing skills are so limited, my coffee cup was random splotches of various shades of blue and purple with some hippie peace and heart stick-on symbols. Although there was some therapeutic value to painting the cup, one of the other patients said it reminded him of a bad acid trip from the 60s! So much for rehab.

I know that I'm coming off as a naysayer in this thread, but my interests are somewhat limited which makes it difficult to establish relationships with others. I used to have a group of friends that I shared a lot of interests with earlier in my life, but time has taken its toll with some of them moving into different phases of their lives--some of them raised families, others left the area and unfortunately some of them already passed away. When I run into those friends, then we can carry along a conversation for hours and I do socialize successfully with other groups of people that share like interests when we initially meet. However, it seems like I'm not running into those people anymore.

Thanks for the suggestions, I know that I feel the best when my mind is active and I don't dwell on my problems.

there has to be something you've always thought "It'd be neat to know how to do that."

You can probably learn that online too.

I've been reading about the socialist progressive movements including some of the documents mentioned in that group on DU. Unfortunately, my only luxury is having Internet access which serves multiple purposes since I'm also applying for SSDI benefits and completing job application forms for my brother and myself. I really need to spend less time isolated on a computer and more time engaging with people, but there aren't many social outlets in this area.

I might be able to volunteer at a nursing home in the future since I need to either work or volunteer 20 hours a week to obtain SNAP benefits, but I'm uncertain that I would be permitted to do so. There are issues that might arise because of background checks.

I have limited finances and space since I'm residing in the living room of my brother's one bedroom apartment. At one time I had a collection of plastic beads that I was planning to use for an art project, but I'm unable to locate them now. My possessions fit into about a 30 square foot area and are contained in about 20 plastic bins on one side of my brother's living room where a dining table would belong. If I can get out of this miserable situation that I'm currently living in, then my opportunities should hopefully expand again. However, until that happens I'm very constrained about acquiring new skills or talents.

you are trapped in such a shitty situation, I know. my stupid advice it to remember our friend MFM and take a shot of his attitude. try to find one good thing every day and if possible do something to make somebody else smile.

My brother gave me some funds since I've been helping him complete job application forms and filing for unemployment checks, although some weeks he gets enough work that he doesn't receive any pay. It seems like I have argument about once a week with my brother and he makes me want to do something destructive again. Meanwhile, my brother expects for me to listen to all his problems and play psychiatrist for him while I'm not getting any medication or counseling.

I'm still out there trying to find employment, but really my best chance to regain my independence again is going to be SSDI. I still haven't had a physician evaluate me and I'm not receiving any medical care either. The people aware of my situation believe that I have a strong case for SSDI since it is unlikely that I can be retrained for another occupation and the diabetes related problems are progressing from moderate to severe. I'm exhausted within 5-10 minutes of physical activity. It looks like I'm probably going to have to endure another 3-4 months of this before a decision is made as to whether I qualify.

I could probably handle a part-time job or do something like tutoring, but the likelihood of resuming full-time employment is poor. When I checked on possible benefits I did get some good news that my benefit could be about $500/month higher than expected and that I could earn up to $770/month more in supplemental income before it would cut into that benefit.

When I moved out of Brenham last fall after we sold my father's house the choices were narrowed down to Irving, Bryan/College Station and Georgetown. I picked Irving because I thought it provided the best chance to resume my former career; however, the cost of living was higher than expected and the job opportunities didn't occur. While Bryan/CS would be the least expensive, I only have one friend that lives there who is married now and then TexasProgresive also lives there. While Georgetown was the middle-priced option it would have been difficult to commute to Austin on a daily basis for full-time work.

Now that it looks clearer that I can't work full-time, I might as well move somewhere where I'll have some social support and the best opportunity to work as a tutor since Georgetown is relatively wealthy compared to Bryan/CS. I'll still have access to the Austin and Dallas via bus along with some other amenities. Since my next decision where to live will probably be the last time I'll ever move I want to be somewhere that I think of as home and Bryan/CS doesn't fit the bill for me. However, my brother did interview there this past week so I could end up living there for a few months while I await the SSDI decision.

Our elementary schools in Colorado welcome people who can come a day or two a week and work with one or more children who are falling behind especially in math. It's not only challenging to find ways to make a subject interesting for children but also rewarding when they see you as someone who is really proud of them when they make progress.

I don't relate very well with younger children.

When I was an undergrad I tutored algebra I and II, geometry and calculus I to high school students and I enjoyed the work. The students that I worked with improved by about a letter grade when I worked with them. I also tutored some friends in trigonometry, analytic geometry and statistics since I graduated. I probably could handle tutoring in linear algebra, calculus II and III, lower level chemistry courses and some computer science courses with my background.

However, it is much more difficult to tutor in Texas than when I was a freelancer in the 80s. I recently applied for jobs as a tutor this spring. The positions wanted the applicants to provide certifications and statements regarding their philosophy on education and so much other information that I might as well have applied for a job as a teacher instead.

There are three other concerns that could probably knock me out of contention as either a volunteer tutor or as a substitute teacher.

1) My past history with drug arrests. I don't have any felony convictions, but I have misdemeanor convictions for marijuana. The last time I had a legal issue with drugs was in 2005.

2) Liability. A substitute teacher was recently charged with "injury to a child" when a student taunted the teacher and he pushed back against the student that was charging him and the student broke his wrist. The student admitted his wrongdoing, but the substitute was held in jail on a $15K bond. Then there is always the possibility that a student could make accusations of sexual abuse.

3) My mental health issues. I have manic depression and earlier this year I stayed with one of my friends for about three weeks in an effort to avoid going to a homeless shelter. I was already having crying spells on almost a daily basis and was reluctant to move in with my friend because he has an 18-years-old son that was in high school. When the time came for me to leave the circumstances overwhelmed me and I overdosed. Since I'm still in a precarious position, I don't think it is fair to expose young people to someone like myself until I can obtain treatment and work towards resolving those issues.

It may be possible for me to tutor at some point as you suggest and I would at least feel like I'm making a contribution to society by doing that type of work. I did have a sense of reward and accomplishment when I was a tutor. I also learned several years later that one of my students became a vice-president at Vanderbilt University, while another student is having a successful business career and he will be turning 30 this Saturday.

I have no advice, just that one sincere wish for you.

He figured it was "built" to last 60 years. Anything over that was gravy.

Obviously, with proper "fuel and maintenance," that can be extended, but don't count on double.

Now and then one comes along that is a surprise. I just turned 75 and laughed all day because I was so surprised to be that old. Hope you can laugh. We are all different in what makes us happy. I spent my birthday cleaning out my 22-year old van and preparing for a camping trip. I like to drink ice tea, read books, check out the toons each morning on DU, poke around looking for news on Thailand because I used to live there, sometimes spend time with a friend. I am not so social as many. Be well.

I should be so lucky one day!