Aside from this, who owns this house?

That's the person or persons who make(s) the rules.

This is not "what people do," unless they let the underage kids who live off of them make the rules.

I understand that you likely want to help her celebrate, but if her older friends bring alcohol and it goes south for anyone at the party, parents may be on the hook.

Simple answer: my way or no party.

but I'm with previous respondents.

Your house, your rules.

Kids can have plenty of fun without drinking. It's up to you to teach that.

Parents can get in a whole bunch of legal trouble if they host a party where underage kids drink, drive and have an accident, or if other things happen. Even if there are designated drivers there are any number of ways this can go wrong. Gotta put your foot down on this one for the sake of everybody involved.

(N.B. I'm not a parent. I got my parenting out of the way raising my brothers.)

and I wouldn't acquiesce to that request. If she wants you to stay out of the party, it's a dry party. If she doesn't want a dry party, then you're going to require ID-check (under-21, X the hands or bevvie-control bracelets. Enforce Under-21, No Drinking.) and DDs and monitor the party. Because otherwise...something goes wrong and you're legally fucked.

You can get the bracelets for around $15/box for 500. Your local liquor store won't sell them but their distributor will if they also sell to bars, so ask for a referral. Or...do what most music clubs do that allow underaged minors to attend shows...check IDs and mark the hands of the under-21's with a magic marker in a large X across the back of the hands.

And we invited their parents and families too.

What spoilsports we were...

Our next door neighbors just had an awesome graduation party for their kid, with a big Mariachi band, a jump house for the kids, fireworks, everything.

Drinks were served, but there were plenty of responsible adults about keeping an eye on the under-aged.

My kids wouldn't have asked for their own graduation party. They'd have known we'd say no. Other kids-only parties we've been okay with.

Still we were the cool parents among their friends. If anyone ever just wanted to spend the night, escape uncomfortable situations at home, it was no problem. We fed them all.

I grew up in a house where you never knew who'd be spending the night, and I guess our house is like that too.

If I get out of bed to go to the kitchen, and I see someone sleeping on the sofa, I figure if the dogs are okay with them it means they've been properly invited by my wife or kids.

Besides what some of the other posters have said, you would be held responsible if any of your underage guests were to consume alcohol and be involved in any kind of accident.

It's your house, you set the rules and protect your own interests.

of course that's what the kids want

Too much at risk, even if they are responsible. The answer is no.

One accident or police bust and you're screwed. Serve lemonade and soda.

There should be zero drinking at such a party. It does not matter how old some of the friends are. Frankly, a 17 year old should not have any 'friends' who are 21 or older.

.....that involved crazy, crazy stuff like a chocolate pudding wrestling pit and that kind of thing. Four years later, his friends still talk about it. No booze, and it wasn't missed at all.

we did a prom party. backyard, bring your own tent.
i don't remember if there was drinking or not.
maybe a little but not much.
i probably didn't want anyone puking in the yard.
i remember they roasted marshmallows, made smores, probably smoked a little pot.
anyway, who needs booze when you can have sex, right?

there were so many graduation parties going on--we had an open house one for friends, neighbors, a couple moms were there. and everyone (including the graduates who came & my kid) had such a good/fun/crazy time that no one left to hit one of the other parties.

I had a birthday party like that once way back in 1975, but I was only 15 and it wasn't my idea. I was pretty much horrified by the whole thing. It was one of my mother's grand plans...a surprise party. I generally kept my social life and friends completely away from my mom, and she wanted in. She always wanted to be my friends' "friend," and they always thought she was so cool, and when she was done socializing with them I had no secrets left; nothing was sacred, including my bra size, my first trip to a gynecologist, whatever. So she planned a "surprise." Not for me; she knew I would hate it. It was for her. She had 4 of her best friends over to enjoy "my" party with her.

When everybody showed up, a bunch of them with cases of beer, took over the stereo, pulled out the weed, and offered her a joint, she and her friends retreated to the sun porch and didn't show their faces again. She only knew how to be "cool." She didn't know how to be in charge or to set boundaries.

I suggest that you keep hold of the reins on this one, and don't agree to anything you are not comfortable with.

And about the same age too.

I think a few of my age peers lost their virginity that day.

Pool, nudity, pot and alcohol, what could go wrong?

I saw which guy shocked my mother the most, latched on to him, married him right out of high school, and was miserable for 10 years. I showed HER!

or at least that's what we had. We also didn't have it at a house, so the question of what was and wasn't allowed didn't come up.

I'm pretty much agreeing with the people saying you should either make sure it's a dry party, or make sure people under 21 aren't drinking (Which means monitoring the situation.). Even if, on the off chance, you don't object to young adults drinking it's a liability issue. If a 17 or 18 year old gets plastered and wrecks on the way home from your house, it'll be y'all they'll blame. Either criminally or with civil suits.

Last edited Sun Jun 15, 2014, 10:31 PM - Edit history (1)

No Alcohol. And you WILL be monitoring. It is your house, means you are legally responsible if something goes wrong. And she need to remember she is still under 18.

It is a recipe for disaster.

First of all, it is your house, and you are welcome anywhere in it, assuming you aren't barging into a bathroom or bedroom.

Second, you aren't having any party on your property where minors will have access to alcohol. It is illegal, stupid and dangerous. Others have mentioned that it will open you up to legal liability. It will.

Third, you will not condone her being at parties where alcohol is served to minors.

She may do this at someone else's house, but at least you aren't the person opening yourself up to legal liability and setting an example of irresponsibility. Your example of responsibility has been and continue to be a huge gift in her life.

In my part of PA the normal HS graduation party is a backyard party. Kids invite their friends. Parents invite the friends of the family (i.e. the grownups) who usually come with a card containing some money or a check and will give it to the graduate at some point of the party while meeting and congratulating the graduate (and usually asking what they're up to next). Now generally the crowd self segregates into groups of people who know each other at various tables, and the graduate usually ends up among his or her friends (who will probably stay later than most of the crowd) but the idea of expressly excluding adult guests or the hosting parents would seem strange.

you could be the one getting into criminal or civil troubles.
You could be criminally charged, even if you weren't the one providing alcohol to minors.
Also, you as the owner of the house should be able to monitor what goes on in your own backyard.
So if it were my child, I would tell her a big fat NO.

Years ago my son threw himself a birthday party. He rented a suite in a local hotel. One of his friends brought his underage girlfriend. My son was the one who ended up spending time in jail for contributing to the delinquency of a minor, even though he said he didn't even know she was drinking, because he was the one who rented the room.

As much as your 17 year old wants you to believe they can control the behavior of 25 of their (drunk) friends, they can't.

Asking you to stay inside and not monitor the situation is ridiculous. You're ultimately responsible because it's your house.

It is your house. If this party gets out of hand OR if there is an accident of some form (the DD weren't really not drinking) - then you could be held accountable. If the party gets too loud and the police show-up and see even one underage kid holding a beer you will be held accountable for serving minors. This could include criminal charges. If an underage kid gets in an accident there could be a lawsuit against you for serving the booze.

I'm still trying to understand why a 17 year old is having a graduation party and is inviting 21 year olds. (and why a 21+ year old person would want to hang out at a high school graduation party). I could understand if it was a family member but then wouldn't there be other family members including older adults (uncles & aunts and whatnot).

In the end you have to do what you feel most comfortable with doing. I would give the daughter in question 2 options. If these 21+ year olds are so diehard they need to be drinking then the alcohol must be left inside where a parent can ensure that only those over the age of 21 are drinking. Else option #2 is to tell everyone to leave the booze at home.

But I can assure you this much, if left unsupervised, the underage kids will drink the booze. My guess is that is the big reason a few of those over 21+ people were invited was because they could bring the booze with them. Personally if those people over 21 really need to drink they should skip the graduation party and go to a bar.

Is it a good idea? Personally, I don't think so. Not only is it a liability issue for you, but, call me old fashioned, it implies that you can't have a good time without alcohol.

I had a boss whose daughter was raped at one of these parties where there was underaged drinking. He sued the parents and won a settlement that paid for a big chunk of her college education. Sure, their insurance covered it, and then their rates went sky high.

The example you gave is just one of many things that could happen. Drunk driving would be the other huge concern. Who's to say someone isn't parked down the street and walks out with their keys like they are walking home and then gets in a car. The host may not have served the alcohol, but the fact that the person left drunk may be enough to cause a lawsuit.

Someone could literally lose their home over such a thing if they were sued. If it came down to a choice of pissing your kid off for saying no or your home, I think the latter would be obvious.

it was "traditional" for my students parents to allow them to have keggers for their 16th birthday party. I was appalled and told them so. They said "well at least we aren't doing drugs", which seemed to be the attitude of the parents. The thing is, as a parent, you may be allowed to serve alcohol to your own child, but you sure as hell don't have the right to serve alcohol to someone else's child.

If you want to give your kid a beer on their 16th birthday, that's one thing. Giving a bunch of kids beer is just asking for trouble.

Alcohol can lead to poor decision making. If it is served at your house, you can be legally liable for damages to others in many situations, plus criminally indictable for the drinking to begin with.

That said, this is indeed a common situation. When I was 18, I had beer at my graduation party. That was a very long time ago and times have changed somewhat, but it is still done. I have young kids, but I suspect I would let my kids have a few beers in a small gathering, but not a kegger that requires me to stay inside.

don't do it!

No alcohol at parties where under-aged kids will be present, and no unsupervised parties at a dwelling you own or rent. Either situation poses a huge liability risk to you and together it is asking for something bad to happen.

But offered to have a dry party, to which she said that would be extremely boring, so no thanks.
As for the 21 yo friends, these were older girls she knew from activities she was involved in growing up, also, I believe some of their boyfriends. Nothing nefarious.

I don't get why this is the norm. I must have been such a nerd at the age of 17.

with this outlook, I would keep a close watch on their activities. I might go so far as to putting a GPS app on their cell phone.

Just last week I had to get out of bed at 11:30 to get her, because she wasn't where she told me she would be, and, since her friend drove, she couldn't get home when I demanded it. I now tell every parent of younger kids to make it clear that sleepovers in high school are not allowed. That was one of my biggest mistakes ever. You never know the other parent's rules, IF they have rules, and if the kids have cars, they can be anywhere.

She almost did not graduate from high school. She is now married with children, has a master's degree, and is doing well.

I echo everyone else here. Besides the moral and ethical issues, the legal implications of something going wrong could make your family's life a living hell. Don't do it.

They will try like hell to sneak it in --- often in plastic bottles, (especially in the girls' pocketbooks). They will also sneak in pipes and bongs. The smart kids will get wasted ahead of time. The square kids (my favorite type) will feel out of place and their folks pick them up early. Be prepared to be called "uncool.

No way to keep those underage from partaking. As for no parents outside for it.. Also a no lol. Granted I'm a youngin myself too, only 32 years old, but those requests sound a bit outlandish

If those kids want to drink they can go somewhere else. And it's your house--you get to monitor whatever you damn well please.