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Tell me a joke. (Original Post) DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 OP
What did the snail say when it rode on the back of the turtle? Aristus Jun 2014 #1
Thank you. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #2
ok NightWatcher Jun 2014 #3
Okay. Yuck I hope he sat on his turds and did a food job rsising yhem DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #7
raising them I meant. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #8
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? MrMickeysMom Jun 2014 #4
Ha. Ha. Finally got that. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #11
David's parrot rug Jun 2014 #5
Good one. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #17
How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? UrbScotty Jun 2014 #6
I like that one. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #9
Irish Wedding SkatmanRoth Jun 2014 #10
Good one. Thank you. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #12
Why men wear earrings SkatmanRoth Jun 2014 #13
Ouch. Self piercing under duress. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #18
The Sunday Paper SkatmanRoth Jun 2014 #14
If it were only just a senior moment. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #19
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Jenoch Jun 2014 #15
Eeeeeewwwww! But cute. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #20
It seems that Rumsfeld was briefing Bush on the Iraq War... First Speaker Jun 2014 #16
Not. Funny. So. Sad. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #21
eye doctor tells a guy he needs to stop masturbating Skittles Jun 2014 #22
and they wish they were blind. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #24
Guy goes to the doctor..... A HERETIC I AM Jun 2014 #23
That one is really good. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #25
That is funny. Had to post it to fb. mnhtnbb Jun 2014 #41
Cannibal at the circus. Ptah Jun 2014 #26
Whats brown and sounds like a bell?  Jenoch Jun 2014 #27
Dang. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #28
The first time I heard that joke, Art_from_Ark Jun 2014 #45
Wow, you are really old. Jenoch Jun 2014 #46
So is my dinosaur Art_from_Ark Jun 2014 #47
My favorite... Boxerfan Jun 2014 #29
Reminds me of an old Moms Mabley joke.... A HERETIC I AM Jun 2014 #30
heheheeheeheheeeee! mithnanthy Jun 2014 #64
Two Ukrainians. Jenoch Jun 2014 #31
The green grocer (video) sakabatou Jun 2014 #32
Yuk yuk. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #35
thanks for the laughs Danmel Jun 2014 #33
Q: What are the strongest days of the week? Lady Freedom Returns Jun 2014 #34
Yay! A joke I can tell my students. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #36
'Why aren't there new Jonestown jokes being told anymore? Jenoch Jun 2014 #37
Took me a second... Ineeda Jun 2014 #38
What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish? Raven Jun 2014 #39
So a baby seal walks into a bar and says KamaAina Jun 2014 #40
Two cows were standing in a field... kairos12 Jun 2014 #42
I like that one. Thank you. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #43
What's brown and sticky? Jenoch Jun 2014 #44
That's wonderful. That will really piss off my students hoping for nasty. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #49
A horse walks into a bar and sits down. Special Prosciuto Jun 2014 #48
Why can you never starve in the desert? Jenoch Jun 2014 #50
Ted Cruz... TexasTowelie Jun 2014 #51
when he loses the election. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #52
I heard this from a Barnard student - LiberalElite Jun 2014 #53
Hardy. Ha. Ha. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #54
At the time I heard it LiberalElite Jun 2014 #55
I understand. I delight in telling every stupid thing my Hahvahd educated brother has ever done. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #56
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape? Xipe Totec Jun 2014 #57
An East German worker gets a job in Siberia... Gravitycollapse Jun 2014 #58
Very cute. Adversity necessitates a good sense of humor. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #61
What's the difference between a pheromone and a hormone? Jenoch Jun 2014 #59
My friends who teach middle school will like that one. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #60
My mother was a fifth and sixth grade teacher. Jenoch Jun 2014 #62
Thank you for telling her story. That's a mother to be proud of. DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #63
What do call a.... discntnt_irny_srcsm Jun 2014 #65
ok ohnoyoudidnt Jun 2014 #66
What do you do with an Elephant with 3 balls? A HERETIC I AM Jun 2014 #67

NightWatcher

(39,343 posts)
3. ok
Tue Jun 17, 2014, 04:12 PM
Jun 2014


Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph." Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back: as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never," said Ralph. "Well, just relax and let it happen." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.


As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting the bed!!!"
 

rug

(82,333 posts)
5. David's parrot
Tue Jun 17, 2014, 04:22 PM
Jun 2014

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"

UrbScotty

(23,979 posts)
6. How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Tue Jun 17, 2014, 04:28 PM
Jun 2014

Actually that's a hardware problem.

---

How many ears does Spock have?

1. A left ear
2. A right ear
3. A final front ear

---

I'd tell you some lawyer jokes, but there are only three lawyer jokes out there - the rest are all true stories.

SkatmanRoth

(843 posts)
10. Irish Wedding
Tue Jun 17, 2014, 07:14 PM
Jun 2014

At the wedding reception someone yelled,

"Would all the married men please stand next to the ONE person who has made your life worth living!"

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SkatmanRoth

(843 posts)
13. Why men wear earrings
Tue Jun 17, 2014, 07:21 PM
Jun 2014

Did you ever wonder why earrings became popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing a single earring.

The man knows that his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense'.

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only one earring." he replies sheepishly.

His friend fall silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So how long have you bee wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck." he said.

SkatmanRoth

(843 posts)
14. The Sunday Paper
Tue Jun 17, 2014, 07:28 PM
Jun 2014

This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to anyone who knows seniors, or who will ever become a senior.

"Where is my SUNDAY paper?" demanded the irate customer calling the newspaper office.

"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday morning"

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she said,

"Well that explains why there was no one in Church today."

Skittles

(152,966 posts)
22. eye doctor tells a guy he needs to stop masturbating
Tue Jun 17, 2014, 09:44 PM
Jun 2014

guy says, WHY, WILL I GO BLIND??!!?? and the eye doc replies, no, it disturbed the people in the waiting room

A HERETIC I AM

(24,321 posts)
23. Guy goes to the doctor.....
Tue Jun 17, 2014, 11:00 PM
Jun 2014

he says "I have headaches all the time"

Doc tells him to lie back and he'll return in a minute.

Doc comes back carrying a big ol' Tabby kitty cat and slowly encircles the guys head with the cat. He moves the cat around the top of his head and over his forhead, then walks out.


Few minutes later the doc comes back in, this time leading a big ol' Labrador Retreiver on a leash. The big, happy dog jumps up with his front paws and gives the guy a lick on the face, then the oc walks the dog around the table, stopping often to let the dog lick at whatever expoed skin of the guy is within tongue reach. The doc walks the dog out.

5 Minutes later he comes back in, tells the guy he has nothing to worry about, to take some Tylenol and call him in a week.

The guy goes to the front desk to settle and the bill is $2030.

"TWO GRAND FOR THAT?!?" He shouts. "What the hell for?"

The nurse says......

"Thirty dollars for the office visit, one thousand for the Cat Scan and one thousand for the Lab work.

Boxerfan

(2,531 posts)
29. My favorite...
Tue Jun 17, 2014, 11:27 PM
Jun 2014

He man God of thunder decides to take a stroll in the human world....

Waking the next morning after a night of drinking Meade he proclaims...
" I'm Thore"....

Voice from the next room-Your thore-I can hardly walk!!

A HERETIC I AM

(24,321 posts)
30. Reminds me of an old Moms Mabley joke....
Tue Jun 17, 2014, 11:42 PM
Jun 2014

Two older women are walking down a New York street.

One says "I smell hair burnin'"

The other says "Maybe we're walkin' too fast."

 

Jenoch

(7,720 posts)
31. Two Ukrainians.
Wed Jun 18, 2014, 12:12 AM
Jun 2014

Two Ukrainian émigrés recently arrived in the United States.  Their hope was to someday become American citizens. As they were walking down the street in New York City they saw a lunch cart with a sign that read: Hot Dogs $3.50.

The one Ukrainian looked at the other in amazement and said “They eat dogs in America?”

His friend shrugged and said” They must, that is what the sign says”.

“Well then to be Americans we must eat dogs also”.

So they both walked over to the hot dog cart and got two hot dogs.

They proceeded to the nearest bench and sat down. They unwrapped their hot dogs and the one Ukrainian said to the other, “Yuk, what part of the dog did you get?”

kairos12

(12,817 posts)
42. Two cows were standing in a field...
Thu Jun 19, 2014, 03:44 PM
Jun 2014

one says to the other, "Did you hear about that mad cow's disease?". The other cow says, "mad cow's disease, what do I care, I'm a helicopter."

LiberalElite

(14,691 posts)
55. At the time I heard it
Fri Jun 20, 2014, 09:09 PM
Jun 2014

many years ago, I thought it was hilarious, possibly because it was an Ivy Leaguer telling it.

Gravitycollapse

(8,155 posts)
58. An East German worker gets a job in Siberia...
Fri Jun 20, 2014, 09:52 PM
Jun 2014

"A German worker gets a job in Siberia; aware of how all mail will be read by the censors, he tells his friends: 'Lets establish a code: if a letter you get from me is written in ordinary blue ink, it's true; if it's written in red ink, it's false.' After a month, his friends get the first letter, written in blue ink: 'Everything is wonderful here: the shops are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and properly heated, cinemas show films from the West, there are many beautiful girls ready for an affair -- the only thing you can't get is red ink.'"

 

Jenoch

(7,720 posts)
62. My mother was a fifth and sixth grade teacher.
Fri Jun 20, 2014, 11:47 PM
Jun 2014

She and her best friend who taught in the next classroom discovered that the male teachers, whether married or single, earned more money than the female teachers, whether they were married or single. They went to the school board and demanded equality and they got it.

You probably won't be surprised to learn this was back in the day when the desks were on wooden runners like a sleigh and there were inkwells. She was just 23 when this happened. I think it was in 1953.

That best friend introduced my mom to her boyfriend's brother. They married those brothers, my dad and my uncle. My 83 year old father is the only one left.

DamnYankeeInHouston

(1,365 posts)
63. Thank you for telling her story. That's a mother to be proud of.
Fri Jun 20, 2014, 11:51 PM
Jun 2014

The ones you've lost are still with you. We all just a remix of those who have gone before us.

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