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Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsTell me a joke.
Please. I'm at the neighborhood pool with my summer kids and I'm bored bored bored.
Aristus
(66,096 posts)DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)Not bored for 20 seconds.
I need more!
An hour to go.
NightWatcher
(39,343 posts)Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph." Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back: as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never," said Ralph. "Well, just relax and let it happen." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting the bed!!!"
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)MrMickeysMom
(20,453 posts)"Make me one with everything."
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)I'm a senior blond atheist.
rug
(82,333 posts)David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)UrbScotty
(23,979 posts)Actually that's a hardware problem.
---
How many ears does Spock have?
1. A left ear
2. A right ear
3. A final front ear
---
I'd tell you some lawyer jokes, but there are only three lawyer jokes out there - the rest are all true stories.
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)I even get it.
SkatmanRoth
(843 posts)At the wedding reception someone yelled,
"Would all the married men please stand next to the ONE person who has made your life worth living!"
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)SkatmanRoth
(843 posts)Did you ever wonder why earrings became popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing a single earring.
The man knows that his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense'.
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only one earring." he replies sheepishly.
His friend fall silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So how long have you bee wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck." he said.
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)SkatmanRoth
(843 posts)This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to anyone who knows seniors, or who will ever become a senior.
"Where is my SUNDAY paper?" demanded the irate customer calling the newspaper office.
"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday morning"
There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she said,
"Well that explains why there was no one in Church today."
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)Jenoch
(7,720 posts)Anyone can roast beef.
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)First Speaker
(4,858 posts)...oh--you've heard this one...?
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)Skittles
(152,966 posts)guy says, WHY, WILL I GO BLIND??!!?? and the eye doc replies, no, it disturbed the people in the waiting room
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)A HERETIC I AM
(24,321 posts)he says "I have headaches all the time"
Doc tells him to lie back and he'll return in a minute.
Doc comes back carrying a big ol' Tabby kitty cat and slowly encircles the guys head with the cat. He moves the cat around the top of his head and over his forhead, then walks out.
Few minutes later the doc comes back in, this time leading a big ol' Labrador Retreiver on a leash. The big, happy dog jumps up with his front paws and gives the guy a lick on the face, then the oc walks the dog around the table, stopping often to let the dog lick at whatever expoed skin of the guy is within tongue reach. The doc walks the dog out.
5 Minutes later he comes back in, tells the guy he has nothing to worry about, to take some Tylenol and call him in a week.
The guy goes to the front desk to settle and the bill is $2030.
"TWO GRAND FOR THAT?!?" He shouts. "What the hell for?"
The nurse says......
"Thirty dollars for the office visit, one thousand for the Cat Scan and one thousand for the Lab work.
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)Now I have to try to remember it and I have a hard time remembering jokes.
mnhtnbb
(31,319 posts)Ptah
(32,983 posts)This clown tastes funny.
Jenoch
(7,720 posts)Dung
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)Art_from_Ark
(27,247 posts)I laughed so hard, I nearly fell off my dinosaur!
Jenoch
(7,720 posts)Art_from_Ark
(27,247 posts)Boxerfan
(2,531 posts)He man God of thunder decides to take a stroll in the human world....
Waking the next morning after a night of drinking Meade he proclaims...
" I'm Thore"....
Voice from the next room-Your thore-I can hardly walk!!
A HERETIC I AM
(24,321 posts)Two older women are walking down a New York street.
One says "I smell hair burnin'"
The other says "Maybe we're walkin' too fast."
mithnanthy
(1,725 posts)too funny!
Jenoch
(7,720 posts)Two Ukrainian émigrés recently arrived in the United States. Their hope was to someday become American citizens. As they were walking down the street in New York City they saw a lunch cart with a sign that read: Hot Dogs $3.50.
The one Ukrainian looked at the other in amazement and said They eat dogs in America?
His friend shrugged and said They must, that is what the sign says.
Well then to be Americans we must eat dogs also.
So they both walked over to the hot dog cart and got two hot dogs.
They proceeded to the nearest bench and sat down. They unwrapped their hot dogs and the one Ukrainian said to the other, Yuk, what part of the dog did you get?
sakabatou
(42,083 posts)DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)Danmel
(4,892 posts)Too tired to post but will try later.
Lady Freedom Returns
(14,120 posts)A: Saturday and Sunday, rest is weekdays.
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)Jenoch
(7,720 posts)It's because the punchlines are too long.
Ineeda
(3,626 posts)but LOL.
Raven
(13,872 posts)Took me a second, too.
KamaAina
(78,249 posts)"I'll have a Canadian Club, on the rocks."
kairos12
(12,817 posts)one says to the other, "Did you hear about that mad cow's disease?". The other cow says, "mad cow's disease, what do I care, I'm a helicopter."
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)Jenoch
(7,720 posts)A stick.
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)Special Prosciuto
(731 posts)The bartender says "Hey! Why the long face?!"
Jenoch
(7,720 posts)Because of all the sand, which is everywhere.
TexasTowelie
(111,313 posts)that's it, joke is over.
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)LiberalElite
(14,691 posts)Q.: Which fish has two knees?
A.: Two knee fish. Get it??
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)LiberalElite
(14,691 posts)many years ago, I thought it was hilarious, possibly because it was an Ivy Leaguer telling it.
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)Xipe Totec
(43,872 posts)Elephant * Grape * Sin(Theta)
http://mathworld.wolfram.com/CrossProduct.html
Gravitycollapse
(8,155 posts)"A German worker gets a job in Siberia; aware of how all mail will be read by the censors, he tells his friends: 'Lets establish a code: if a letter you get from me is written in ordinary blue ink, it's true; if it's written in red ink, it's false.' After a month, his friends get the first letter, written in blue ink: 'Everything is wonderful here: the shops are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and properly heated, cinemas show films from the West, there are many beautiful girls ready for an affair -- the only thing you can't get is red ink.'"
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)Jenoch
(7,720 posts)You can't hear a pheromone.
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)Jenoch
(7,720 posts)She and her best friend who taught in the next classroom discovered that the male teachers, whether married or single, earned more money than the female teachers, whether they were married or single. They went to the school board and demanded equality and they got it.
You probably won't be surprised to learn this was back in the day when the desks were on wooden runners like a sleigh and there were inkwells. She was just 23 when this happened. I think it was in 1953.
That best friend introduced my mom to her boyfriend's brother. They married those brothers, my dad and my uncle. My 83 year old father is the only one left.
DamnYankeeInHouston
(1,365 posts)The ones you've lost are still with you. We all just a remix of those who have gone before us.
discntnt_irny_srcsm
(18,470 posts)...boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick
ohnoyoudidnt
(1,858 posts)A HERETIC I AM
(24,321 posts)Walk him and pitch to the Rhino.