Went to my first ZOOM SMART meeting today. Also binged a lot, again.

Last edited Sat May 23, 2020, 11:15 PM - Edit history (2)

I did like the meeting, though. I prefer the recovery platform to 12 steps, which worthy though it is doesn’t seem to fit me. I binge because of low self esteem. I don’t feel that OA really addresses that part of the equation in the same way.

Finally did my intro post:

I’m a middle-aged binge eater and bulimic who is chasing a high followed by numbness. I hate feelings and try to avoid them at all costs. I was severely bullied as a kid. I lived with undiagnosed mental conditions for decades. My self esteem wouldn’t cover the head of a pin. For years I hid in my house as a lonely loner. Disastrous in social situations, but I long for company. Financial circumstances forced me to get a job, so I am finally putting my teaching degree to good use. I love my students, but I feel like they have an imposter for a classroom aide. Surely other people would do it much better. I live in a very negative mindset. Nothing is ever enough, including me. I throw daily pity parties all day long. I crave validation, so I do people pleasing things. Even the art I work on is more about getting people to love it (me) than about enjoying a creative activity. I keep lying to myself. Am still bargaining, make me better, but my way. I did OA in high school and some of the jargon stuck, but I am not doing the 12 steps. I married a minister’s kid, and it just sounds too much like the evangelical approach that I’m so weary of. I had heard of Smart as an alternative, but only recently looked into it.

I’m doing CBT therapy, but an hour a week only props me up so long. SMART looks like it fits well with my style of recovery, and having access to other people with similar struggles might help. I have a very low tolerance for discomfort and don’t believe I can succeed aanything on my own. Hearing from others who were like me but made changes will hopefully help. I am tired of days feeling too long, feelings being too uncomfortable, hours wasted on eating, thinking about eating, purging, despair over weight gain. But still not tired enough to stop.