hugs because you are beating yourself up about this. You really didn't know this person, only what you gleaned from FB and let's face it people are not always honest about themselves for what they do.

It is always sad when people who are down chose to denigrate themselves further - I believe it is a type of coping skill for them - not a good one by all means, but something they feel they have input in and "own" it.

I happen to agree with your views about the n* word, I hope one day it will disappear from our language. The rest of your message may have been mis-interpreted and he may be a very sensitive person. You may not be able to contact him, but a simple message on FB letting him know you are sorry you obviously hurt him would not go amiss.

Good luck.

PumpkinAle....

Heartfelt thanks. I also agree, and do believe that it has become a coping skill for people of color.
In my haste to tell him not to put himself down, I think my message was lost.

He is a grown man in his 50's. I have no idea what he's been through.
I only know how racism seems to have escalated to new highs ... or maybe just more awareness because of our president.

I was clearly wrong to do that ....
I thank you for your input because I don't feel so lost, confused and alone now.

It is not my place to lecture a grown man I don't really know. I can sit down with my grandsons and have meaningful communication...


This man. Really a stranger. Yet a human being that I hurt.
I had no right.

Thank you so much...

peace & joy to you~

peace~

a little judgmental and condescending. Part of the problem with FB (and e-mail, for that matter) is that we can't read the other person's expressions. We lose a lot of context in that way. A lot of nuance.

Don't know if that's it. Don't let it worry you too much. I've lost FB friends, including my very first high school boyfriend. Concentrate on your "real life" relationships, and you'll be a lot better off.

Thank you, YarnAddict for being upfront, not holding anything back.
In retrospect, yes, judgmental and condescending.
Not meant to be ... but was.
I was thinking about my blended family .... how I don't want these babies to hurt in this cruel world.

Another good point..... my 'real life' relationships ... people in my life are the ones I do need to concentrate on.

I'll never know why this hit me so hard.
In in old age, still so very naive, and should have passed it by.

Thank you for your words and time.....

peace & love~

I don't use that word but, I hear that word every day at work. The blacks I work with use it when talking with each other.

and now I hear young white boys using it to each other .... like homie and, Hey my n!99@ ...

The world is a funny place and words are not just words alone.

Sometimes people are embarrassed to get educated in a public space like FB.

peace.

Thank you Tuesday Afternoon ~

I've heard the word used a lot when around young people ....
I just didn't expect it from him ....

The world surely is a funny place! An old woman agonizing over such a thing to the point of letting her heart bleed here on DU!

Not my place to educate anyone, that's for sure, and on FB? A stranger?
Alas, I fear that I may do worse things as I age

I'm just feeling badly that I did something so horrific, and now must make a public confession.
Thank you for you words and thoughts ....
I really needed this to make myself feel better ....
Sadly, I can't do the same for him.


peace & love to you~

Not for the world would you want them to be hurt.

And so you spoke out against something you feel strongly about.

I am sorry you lost a FB friend and Scrabble buddy over this.

I know How You Love Your Scrabble !!!

You are The Scrabble Meister !!

I bow to your mad skillz.

While you want to understand what is wrong with some people he apparently has spent too much time listening and sadly believing what the hateful crowd touts. You want to rise above the hate and sounds very much like you have rallied with much of society and with your lovely family. One should not be ashamed of who they are or where they come from. But at the same time you should not allow them to convince you that you are a lesser person. We are all the same reguard less of color,culture or financial means. Keep your head up and remember you did nothing wrong. No matter how he reacted it was not something you just said. It must be and has been inside him for a long time.

grilled onions ~
Heartfelt thanks.
Yes, we are all as one.

I believe you are right .... it has been inside him for a long time.
He was conditioned to be this way .... use that word ....
A coping skill was also mentioned.

So sad that it must be this way for any human being, to use words to defend his existence ... his being.

I have learned something tonight.
For all that I feel and think .... must know when to remain silent.
I can't change anyone.
I can only change myself.

The words, "Mind your own business" are ringing loud and clear in my head tonight.

Once words are spoken or typed, we can't take them back.

peace & joy to you~

Cracker here so take my opinion with a grain of salt or a saltine.

It's not my place to tell people the kind of language they're allowed to use but I do have an opinion. I think it's ignorant. I know the excuses. Taking the word back, making it our own. That's not the way it's coming across. But everyone is using it now. White kids and Hispanic kids and black kids are calling each other nigga. It's pretty much been decoupled from history and context. It's become a conversational placeholder like "dude" and "uh."

Boondocks had a great routine on it. The teacher says he hears a kid ask if a nigga can borrow a fry. And his immediate thought was "how the hell is a nigga gonna borrow a fry? Is you gonna give it back?"

My girlfriend is Nigerian and its funny how the racial opinions can go. There's a lot of condescension towards American blacks depending upon how they comport themselves, similar to whites picking other whites to regard as white trash. My girlfriend thought her parents were being racist but a little more life experience showed her they were picking up on warning signs for foolish behavior sooner than she could. By this I mean bad with money, poor prospects for career and lifestyle, trouble with the law. Her family took a serious social standing drop coming to the states because nobody cares who they were back home. The constant pressure from the parents was to remember who the family is even if nobody else does and not squander the family potential.

It's funny how a minority group can be more internally discriminatory than the majority that persecutes them, like ultra Orthodox Jews getting angrier at reform Jews than the usual Jew-hater. Of it's like the hate the gay community can have for bisexuals. The sexual politics there is that being gay is a full commitment and being bi is being wishy-washy.

Anyway that's a bit of a ramble. I think the short answer here is you don't know the guy and you don't know his story. You don't know the context your comment was taken in. And you are broaching a difficult topic. You think a relative stranger would be any more receptive to your unsolicited advice on parenting, no matter how well-intentioned?

It does suck to get a slap down online. I've been accused of some terrible things here on DU. Usually where I run afoul is where there's a cause I support but the evangelists feel I have no room to speak. Usually there's an interest in imposing doctrinal purity over the interests of real outreach and persuasion.

If you know you are right in your own heart then the only thing you have to ask is if you are coming across the wrong way. Sometimes you did nothing wrong and the other guy is overreacting. Or maybe you are reading too much into something he only gave a moment's consideration. It takes two seconds to drop and block.

Thumb typing on phone so this probably has a lot of issues.

Heartfelt thanks~

You took much time in thought and writing. Words of wisdom for certain.
Thank you for sharing the background information regarding your girlfriend. So much of this makes sense.
The world is a somewhat strange place, and I realize that there a subgroups within many groups, whether it be race, religion, sexuality ...The list does go on.

It's difficult to be an idealist and have all these things of human nature swirling about, and not understanding it.
I do get it on a cognitive level, but can't begin to feel or understand it in my heart.

And I did. I came across the wrong way. In fact, I should not have typed any comment.

Writing is indeed cathartic .... the more I read the better I feel.
The more I write ... the better I feel.

It has come to the point where I've expressed so much that it's turning around.
Feeling a tad silly that I made the initial post. Part of the healing process.

Once again, much appreciated..

peace & joy~

my feeling is that it's not my place as a white person to tell any black person they can or cannot use such a word. I just know I don't use it, and other white people shouldn't use it.

But you told him to unfriend you, so he did.

Erich Bloodaxe BSN ~

Absolutely right. Thank you.
And to the point.

I gave him options.
Somehow I think he would have done the same without options.
I can't blame him, only myself .....


peace & joy~

no one knows whether this guy was angry with you or something else... or if someone else got a hold of his account.
-
angry at something... take it out on something or someone else...if it even was him
-
internet is rather new in many ways, no well known ways to deal with things such as this

It happened in an instant.
I know why, and we are never too old to learn.

Who am I to tell anyone not to use certain words?

I only know that I crossed a line.
I was thinking of my grandchildren, and hoping for a better world someday ....

No, I am not that selfish. I cherish my grandchildren, hope for a better world...
Yet have been agonizing over racism since I was a young girl .....

There is nothing I can do to change the world.
Only the little part of my own world ....

Lesson learned: I can not, and do not have the right to tell a Black man how to be Black.
I am 62 years old. No one has ever told me how to be white.

What a horror show of a night I've had .....
Live and learn.

peace~

Heartfelt thanks to all

I am taking knowledge with me, and leaving a photo of my grandson .... Two years old!





wishing all peace, joy and love...

They ( me included) get it so much. The correcting , the negative attention, etc. if a black person feels comfortable enough to blurt out or relax their language you should take it as a sign that they feel comfortable with you. They way we use the word is different depending on context. It sometimes means MF, sometimes it mean dude, sometimes it means fool, sonetimes it means bff.
As a person who lived that life and hung around in gangs, drinking 40's and smoking blunts, in the context it was used it meant MF. I have certain white friends who say it every other word and we do laugh at them sometimes because they just want to fit in so bad it's cute. They already fit in.

Let the words die in your head and it will eventually die out. It is losing it's meaning and in this case i think that may be for the best. I fully admit i listen to rap, am good at freestyle and speak however i please.

Just like people posing as females online are many times males.
You never know who you're talking to online unless you actually get webcam confirmation.

I'm a Black man & I wouldn't have acted like he did.
What you said wasn't wrong at all.
You DID give an ultimatum though & I guess he took his natural conclusion.
Me? I would have had a conversation about the thing.
I wouldn't have just taken my toys out of the playpen & gone home.
Actually it probably would have never come to that since I wouldn't send a video like that to begin with.

No big loss in my opinion.
I doubt the dude was even Black to be honest.
Lots of hateful Whites online put up Black avatars in order to spout hateful crap to unsuspecting Blacks.
Any website focused on Black issues is seemingly always infiltrated by racists talking shit.
That video sounds like something some racist with the "Blacks are lazy" schtick would promote.

It's Facebook for goodness sake!
I wouldn't waste my time getting distraught over it.
You didn't know the guy anyway like you said.
It's not like you lost a real friend.
Facebook "friends" are just Contacts.
Facebook has degraded the word "friend" if you ask me.

What you said was right & any Black person would NOT have had that reaction.
And if you gotta work 3 jobs, you're doing something wrong!
I work ONE job & sometimes that's one job too many.
I'm trying to get into a financial setup where I don't have to work a job at ALL.
Unless you're the Boss OR you are a well paid partner of an association, don't waste your time slaving for someone else's riches.

I learned it from Scrooge McDuck from Ducktales:
Work Smarter...Not Harder.

Words from a Black man,
John Lucas

She went into a rant about how Jews own all the money in the world, so that's why Hitler did what he did. I stood there with my jaw open, then I just flat out told her she was racist. Never thought I would ever have to do that. Never. But I couldn't let that slide. It's not excusable.

He chose ONE. Why the confusion?

That said - I would like to add that although I don't use that word and no one in my father's family uses that word -

I have no problem with black rappers or comedian's using it to make an honest dollar. I've posted that before.

Why can't we use a word used against us to make money? It's rare black American that has not been called that. I have. If I want to publish a book with that in the title and it's instead a chick lit book having nothing to do with that word - I've earned the right.

All that said - my mom's dad would have reacted the exact same way. He only had two grandchildren and the reason why my mom felt it was AOK to marry a black man in 1969 had a LOT to do with her upbringing.