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redqueen

(115,103 posts)
Sat Jun 7, 2014, 05:55 PM Jun 2014

'Welcome to Girlhood: None Of Us Are Safe' by appleppielifestyle

A co-worker closed the door to the staff room behind him.
It locked automatically
and I started planning what I could use as a weapon:
smash the glass beside the fridge into his eye.
pick up the fork next to me and sink it into his leg.
claw him across the face if I couldn’t get to anything in time.
As I calculated how hard it would be to shove his body weight off of me,
he finished making his lunch, said, “Sup,” and left,
the door automatically locking behind him.
I expect if I told him I was prepared to stab him with the corner of my staff ID if I had to,
he would say what I’ve heard too often, the one we all know
but are getting wearily suspicious of:
Not all men are like That.

When I was eleven, all the girls in my class got sent to self-defence
because they assumed we’d need it one day.
When I was twelve, there was a prostitute’s body dumped in the river next to my house
because someone thought she was disposable.
When I was thirteen, it happened again and this time the man went to jail
and people stood outside the courtroom and held up signs that he did the right thing.
When I was fourteen, my friend showed up to a sleepover late, chest heaving from sobbing
and from running four blocks after getting chased by a man that followed her off the bus.
When I was fifteen, my mother accused me of being a Man Hater
and I said, “No, but god, would you blame me if I was?”

I got catcalled and then got laughed at when I flipped them off.
they pulled up beside me and I clutched my bag tighter,
my hand going in for my keys and my mind going over how their noses would look
if I smashed them in with my elbow.
“What’s the big deal,” the guy at the steering wheel asked. “We’re just complimenting you. We’re not like That.”

Sorry, but I’m not going to trust you in case I end up on a poster labelled ‘MISSING.’
Even if you seem like the nicest guy, I’ll still have one hand holding my keys
as the only knife I’m allowed, because I don’t know how far you’re going to take it:
if you won’t back off when I tell you I don’t want to date you
if you’ll shout BITCH at me when I don’t respond well to your catcall
if you’ll expect my body as a reward for treating me like a human being
if you’ll try to take what you think you’re owed by being a man
if you’ll turn me into another statistic that people shudder away from.

I have been trained to assume that it’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing
or face the consequences.
I don’t know if you’ll nod when I reject you
or pump me full of bullets.

Every single woman I’ve talked to has a story where they haven’t felt safe in their own body
because of what a man said or did.

Not all men are like That, but god, it’s enough.
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redqueen

(115,103 posts)
2. Some women love to point out that they're not afraid.
Sat Jun 7, 2014, 06:35 PM
Jun 2014

That they don't live their lives in fear.

And I'm happy for them. It's nice, I'm sure, for them.

But discussions about rape culture are not about any individual girl's or woman's feelings about living in that culture. They are about making the world safer for women. The statistics that people shudder away from must be confronted, and a few women swearing they aren't worried don't change shit.

mercuryblues

(14,525 posts)
3. it always
Sat Jun 7, 2014, 07:23 PM
Jun 2014

amazes me when a women says she was never street harassed, never made to feel insecure, never had an uncle touch her breasts and/or ass, never had a guy not take no for an answer. et they seem to think that they are the norm when statistics clearly show they are the anomaly. But they insist because it never happened to them, it never happens.

Even the guys that say it isn't as bad as stats show leave me baffled. They were never around other men who street harassed a woman, never pushed to see how far the could go without the woman having to raise her voice and be adamant about his advances, never not one degraded a woman because she out refused his advances.

Nope, not buying either scenario.

What I do buy is the lies people tell themselves to get through the day.

KitSileya

(4,035 posts)
7. More and more, I feel the need to be blunt with these kinds of people.
Sun Jun 8, 2014, 03:22 AM
Jun 2014

They need to be told, straight out, that rape culture continues to exist because of them. The same with the men, of course, who despite reiteration after reiteration of our experiences, are just as surprised that these things happen to women each time the topic is raised. Feminists know that we will never completely eradicate rape. But we can make society better, a more livable place for women, make society more equal. Refusing to acknowledge women's lived experiences counteract that, and by doing so, they maintain the status quo. And they shouldn't be allowed to do so without being challenged.

For example that thread in GD, about the woman whose waiter joked about drugging her drink - all those who claim that she should have confronted him, instead of condemning his behavior, are helping to keep rape culture in place. They are rape culture enforcers.

redqueen

(115,103 posts)
8. I agree with you 100%
Sun Jun 8, 2014, 10:02 AM
Jun 2014

He does something rude and gross: What to do? Oh, I know! Criticize HER for not reacting in a way that meets with your approval!

I was disgusted by so many of the replies to that OP. Making excuses, criticizing her behavior, whataboutthemenzing ... UGH

 

seabeyond

(110,159 posts)
9. exactly. that thread in replies gets me too. the number of people that
Sun Jun 8, 2014, 10:18 AM
Jun 2014

come up with excuses and justifications. i am with squinch. maybe she just wanted a hamburger.

maybe people could have just said, ya. she is right. and learned something and moved on.

just a note. when wait staff sit at my table to take an order, i am mentally reducing the tip. totally unprofessional. do the damn job and i tip well.

 

Flatulo

(5,005 posts)
11. My wife tells me that, in all honesty, she doesn't walk in fear. I kind of wish she would. nt
Sun Jun 8, 2014, 06:18 PM
Jun 2014

nomorenomore08

(13,324 posts)
5. "...people stood outside the courtroom and held up signs that he did the right thing."
Sat Jun 7, 2014, 08:09 PM
Jun 2014

This kind of thinking is utterly incomprehensible to me. It's like the "honor killing" mentality that gets women (and gay men) murdered by their own relatives.

Thanks for the poem, though. I "get it" (as much as I can anyway) and think any guy who takes it personally is a brainless shitbag.

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