The only inappropriate about the gift is that it is being marketed gender specific. Cooking is not for women only and as I told my sons there is only one thing that is "women's work" that is labor and delivery and we can help with that. Of course we men may get called bad names and have the bones in our hands bruised but all that is forgotten in the end.

I guess I just never thought about it " being women's work".

I'm most likely making a bigger deal out of what is warranted here but I am hurt.

Thank you for your reply.

and easy explanation to the woman.

mateo likes pots and pans, cooking in the kitchen with you. they are pots and pans, so he can do his own play.

no more than that.

i would not even get into a battle though. i am sorry she had to make a tiff, out of an act of love.

We'll return the gift and find something else but I cannot help but feel like Mateo has been screwed. Not me so much... well yeah.. I guess I do feel that way.

I need to not insert my personal opinion here I guess. Just hurt and confused.

Thanks for your reply.

Your relative may not be able to see the forest for the trees. I've known chefs personally who make a fortune. And what of the iron Chef, and all the other male cooks people see on television?

Frame it that way. And as far as being hurt, since your intent was to please the child and not her or yourself, explain it that way and I'll bet after they toss the pink box they'll agree that letting him go with what he likes is the real road to success.

Not all men are into cars, yard work or whatever she may see as 'manly.' And work you love isn't really work, it's a career and a pleasure. Make the kid happy, he's the one that will be hurting if a big deal if made of this. Particularly if you take the gift away and invalidate his feelings in a misunderstanding.

It's not like you tried to deck him out as Barbie, if that is what they think. My huge kid got a kick at summer camp when they had the boys wear girl clothes like long dresses and wigs and the girls wore work boots and hard hats.

Of course in the real world, some women do wear work boots and hard hats in the trades.

I wouldn't want Mateo to be hurt by making him feel there is something wrong with him.

This person needs to get over herself.

My daughters both loved fishing, I bought them fishing rods one christmas and my father had a fit. I laughed at him and continued to enjoy my day. The girls loved them, that is what counts.

There are some great male chefs out there. Some of them make a lot of money and are famous. Maybe that sort of thing is important to her. The OP should tell her that.

Next year, he may have a new interest. Then the OP can buy him a present that addresses that interest. So can the interfering relative. Someone should tell her that, too.

She was out of line.

All males eat. Cooking is a life skill. Her attitude is disturbing. Proceed with caution. SIL has shady boundary issues and more!

Is it the packaging or the cooking? What's her objection exactly? What does the child's Mother think?

She was telling me that the packaging was "girly" and was pink. I honestly did not notice that at the time of purchase.

That's a good question. I guess i really don't know what the objection is. UMFF%!

ON Edit: My sweet Niece has not said a word.

honestly, am I understanding correctly? are you saying this person is making a big deal about trash? really?

am I crazy or what?

you (or someone else) not notice the packaging especially while wrapping the box in holiday paper? I'm betting if you had removed the toy pots and pans out of the pink box and put them in a new white box without ads on it, there would have been no problem.

why would she not notice? cause she is focused on what she thinks is the perfect gift, basking in the glow of giving and not tied up to a color or a girls face on a box.

but my cooking is not a life skill, and IS slow murder.
My wife and I live miles apart. And her cooking is great. I don't want another relationship just because this relationship is shot. The only thing that makes me think I want another relationship is the thought of eating anyone's cooking but my own.

I used to have a cousin who would say: The only thing I can make in the kitchen is a mess. He would eat mayonnaise sandwiches out of desperation.
I am starting to believe we were related.

No child needs that from the people he or she loves. Think about it. What else can a kid do with a normal kid's attention span that is so full of promise and results? Oh; let's bake cookies, first read the destructions. Grab the ingredients. follow the rules, and taste the results. Rome wasn't built in a day but a culinary creation can be complete in an hour or so.

You hang in there. You gotta lot of love. I hope you stroke the crap outa that kid. When they are young it really stimulates their intelligence. And a smart man told me once, and it is good advice: Kids always forget what you buy for them, and they always remember where you take them. I hope you take that kid to a happy place, and give him an experience rich environment.

You may be that child's true mother, his soul mother, his alma mater.

Tired: Headed to bed. I thought I was replying to a reply from Texas gal, pass it on.

And don't get me wrong. I think I was always the worst possible parent. Worked to the limit always tired at home, no fun.

You are not here for me; I am here for you. If they want to see me happy, all they have to do is be happy.

The grandmother of my grandchildren who has not been my wife for perhaps 35 years used to treat our child as the most special thing. This was perhaps a Jewish thing of Jewish mothers for Jewish children. In my family we were all sent the message that we were not much, and were worth little, and I think that was more of a German thing. I did not understand, and did not like the way my son, Jesse was treated; but it is as all children should be treated, and taught, to think highly of themselves, to know they are loved and realize they are special. If in time this gives children the confidence to demand of life and society what they need and should have, it will give them something to offer society in return.

My grand children are the world, not just to me; but from me. All beautiful, and intelligent with mixed up genes from all over. It is too easy to say they are part Irish, part German, part Puerto Rican, part Jewish. The Puerto Rican side of them has about eight different elements alone. In some respects, these peoples of the world so long separated by time have come together in them, and I think this unity is beautiful.

she is very foolish (speaking politely.)

It's truly a shame that toys are marketed according to gender pre-conceptions, and that she has accepted those. Bravo to Mateo, for enjoying his gift.

The book I used when my first daughter was born, by Barton Schmitt, http://www.amazon.com/Your-Childs-Health-Emergencies-Development/dp/0553383698, contained a section concerning toys, and discussed what a fertile source for toys was provided in the kitchen. My 2 daughters, new mothers of boys, have adopted this approach (while of course providing other toys for their little boys.)

Good luck in smoothing it over, but DON'T apologize except for the foolish marketing techniques separating genders.

Best of luck.

I'm really confused here.

The box consisted of pots and pans that were "stainless looking" my only thought was how much he loved to cook with his Auntie. I never even LOOKED at the packaging. I guess that's what's setting my SIL off, I dunno.

and in your situation, making a family celebration 'all together now.' MAYBE you could suggest keeping Mateo's gift at your house so he can play with it when he's with you.

I can't tell if it's the packaging that's set your SIL off, but Mateo 'belongs' to all of you.

Hugs for him!

I will suggest that the gift be placed here for his enjoyment. I had not thought of that. I guess my shock over the issue has clouded decent ideas!

Thank you!

She's got some tangled-up sex-role stereotyping embedded in her diminutive soul, and it's screaming at her.

Sad that your SIL feels the need to assign gender roles. I would keep the pots and pans so he can play with them when he's at your house. Most of the greatest chefs are male.
Sounds like your SIL needs reminding to pump the brakes.

Native Americans who never broke a sweat about homosexuality let children decide what they wanted to be. If a boy wanted an apron which was the sign of womanhood, she got one, no prob. If a girl wanted a bow, a male toy, she got one, no prob. No one ever judged until the priests showed up. They might call a man who had another man hunt for him lazy, but it was all in good spirits. Everybody was some bodies family, and just by being born into the society one had the same freedom as everyone else.

No! Don't fight; fold. Take the gift back. Keep it for when he is there. Buy him some fun neutral toy for his usual home. Try to remember this child needs love and support and not people around him fighting over his future. Let him have today in peace, and tomorrow when it gets here.

Agreed. My sweet boy deserves love and nothing else.

I am just hurt. I cannot project that on this this child.

I need to get it together. Thank you for the post.

Really saved my life. He taught me to read and gave me my life. When he died I lost a friend.

I like that: My sweet boy. Don't you love the way love bonds people. I used to tell people that about marriage. Marriage doesn't make love. Love makes marriage.

And in a really bad way. Sheesh, most of my male cousins liked dolls and the vacuum. So what?

Poor little Mateo is going to need a lot of support from an Auntie like you. A lot of boys love the kitchen and should not be shut out of that kind of play.

At the preschool in our school (where I am principal) the 'dramatic play' area is not gender specific or off limits to whichever gender wants to play there.

You did right. So now, sit down, have some chocolate or wine or whatever your 'poison' is, and relax. Know that some folks just like to complain. They can't help it.

Go ahead and let out a big raspberry (to no one in particular) and sit down and put your feet up.

And then point out how rich he is.

If he loves cooking, help him develop that.
If he loves spending time with his Aunt, who happens to be cooking, then enjoy the time with him.

The difference will become more clear as he gets older. The important thing is to let him figure that out instead of being shoved into "boys toys". The cooking set is a tool for helping to figure out which it is. So let him play and see what happens.

Who ever heard of a MALE chef? The very thought...

Your sister-in-law is in college, you say? Money not well-spent, I say... She's an idiot and no, you're not over-reacting. Talk with your husband and have him talk with his sister since she already has an axe to grind with you. You were simply trying to encourage his interest in cooking.

Grandma has boundary issues

harming anyone but you and your nuclear family.

It's a rare family in which nothing like this happens during the holidays or any supposedly happy occasion. If you think planning Christmas is a big deal, try a wedding for 200 when your parents are very bitterly divorced and your father can't make up his mind if he's feels well enough to attend or not until the day before the wedding.) My bridal gown had a Victorian neckline, but an empire waist and a touch of pink under the bustline. (I just now got that it was a mixed metaphor fashion wise. At the time, I just thought it looked nice on me.)

The reaction of my father's sister? As she went through the receiving line in church, she asked my matron of honor (also my sister) why my gown wasn't "pure" white. IOW, she was suggesting I was knocked up. (And, if I were, would I have telegraphed that to everyone by choosing a gown with a touch of pink?)

This is why so many comedy routines and movies are about family gatherings, esp. weddings and holidays.

Don't you think what she's really saying is that this pot and pan set is going to turn your nephew gay? Just a thought...

I think that is precisely the point the SIL was trying to make, but didn't have enough intestinal fortitude to come out and say it

The gift was thoughtful and appropriate. She is NOT the child's mother, and really has no business projecting her ignorance onto her grandchild (even if he lives under her roof). When one is given a gift, one graciously accepts it, and if it does not "fit" the household, it disappears. (Marshmallow shooter guns vanished quickly, for example, as did drum sets for toddlers.)

Sounds like you are related to a drama queen. Sympathy!

had separated toys into "girls" and "boys"

ETA and it is usually considered "OK" to give a girl a "boy" toy but not OK to give a "boy" a "girl" toy. I think it is because society places a higher value on the traditionally masculine traits and so it is OK for a girl - and people even like it when we encourage them to play with "stereotypically" boy toys, but society devalues the female role and so it is seen as diminishing a boy to give him a "girl" toy.

Who are most of the chefs on TV -- men.

Who are most of the chefs in restaurants -- men.

I know a lot of men who cook. All of them are better cooks than I am. My niece and her husband share the cooking equally.

You did a great thing to give the boy something he will like. Keep the child-size pots and pans at your house.

I will stop now!

While the Food Network may have more visible women there, the Rachel Ray types, the majority of shows on the old Big Three networks - throughout the day and during primetime programs - tend to be men.

Not 100%, but a higher percentage than in my days growing up in the 70's and 80's when it was all about your Julia Child wave/generation.

It seems like nearly all kids love pots and pans. Part of it is just the shape and feel. The other is that they know that it's where food comes from and they have a natural curiosity, especially as they transition out of the baby food and other simple foods into things with more complex tastes.

Your SIL is completely ridiculous.

Maybe she should ask this guy about it.

Or maybe these folks.

Just remember that the gift was received with joy. That should keep you smiling.

Not too long ago that was frowned upon. Things change guess the SIL isn't ready for that. I wonder though how she would like it if someone told her that her daughter should be learning how to cook, clean, and sew, that she should stop going to school now that she has a child. I just wonder how much she would actually agree to that.

When they were little, my two oldest sons played with pots and pans. The oldest stirred, and mashed Play-doh in them. His younger brother banged them and slammed them on the floor.

Oldest is a cook at an Italian restaurant and stays very busy. Younger son is a banker. While I am very proud of both of them, I feel the cook is of more benefit to society. Younger son moved into banking from selling cars, which is barely a step up.

Feel bad, very bad, for whatever relative is married to your uptight SIL. It can't be very fun.


Regards from Rosie

She needs to get over gender stereotypes. If Mateo likes to cook then he should be encouraged in that. Period.

Perhaps your husband's sister needs to take a gander at this:




ALSO: She might want to take example from a certain Greatest Dad about gender stereotypes: http://www.democraticunderground.com/10025997897

...your SIL is insecure and may have been worried/embarrassed about having the toy opened in front of the family. I assume her husband/your brother was at this gathering. Has he said anything or have you talked to him at all about it? IMHO a spouse will often side with their mate out of devotion but it will be the more outspoken of the couple to bring up issues. If your brother is the source of the issue, you should speak to him about it. The conventional wisdom is 'to learn, go to the source'.

In any case, now that the gathering is finished, the source of the possible embarrassment is gone so this all may no longer be a big deal. If I am right, the core of the problem is the pink/girly packaging, which is marketing's way of attracting the attention of parents with daughters. A little boy in a toy store won't be put off by a package with a girl pictured, he'll see the toy first and the girl second. It takes a few years for children to learn the pink and blue prejudice from his elders and the odd thing of it is that in the early 20th century, it wasn't that uncommon for a baby boy to be dressed in pink gown.

Are you over-reacting? No. It is a sad thing to have a gift given out of love rejected even if it's not handed back publicly. He should be encouraged in his culinary interest as he may be the next great chef. When I got married over 30 years ago, the extent of my cooking was a grilled cheese sandwich. Almost all of my cooking lessons were from my wife. My mom was okay with me knitting and doing some minor sewing but never encouraged me to cook much. My wife, who has eaten my mother's cooking, thinks perhaps that's a good thing.

likes it, keep it. When he is old enough buy him an easy bake oven.

My youngest came across my daughter's old tea set when he was about 3. A few times a week we would have a tea party under his "tent". One day he asked me what that thing was in the attic. I explained to him it was his sister's old doll house. He asked if he could play with it, so I hauled it down with all the furniture. The next day it became the base camp for all his Army men.

Kids have great imaginations. Never let someone's ignorance suppress that.

ok, buy him a baby doll.
you are correct. f them.

nicest thing anyone has said to me all week.

Tell your SIL that there are a ton of very well to do & famous male chefs & instead of bitching to you about your thoughtful gift, she should write a letter to the toy manufacturer & tell them that they do a real disservice to children by applying gender colors to their products.

Personally, I think it's sexy when a man can cook a great meal. That & play the piano.

Maybe they will release a less sexist kiddie cooking set in the future.

I bought my son a set of play food and play pots for Xmas as he loves the kitchen as well.

The packaging was all pink with girls on it, stocked in a section of the toy isle with dolls and other "girl" things.

This ties into a story I heard on NPR about why girls have historically not participated in the programming industry; computers were marketed to boys in the 80s.

I'm not saying that every product needs to come in a brown cardboard package devoid of gender, but surely marketing to both sexes can only increase sales.

It had an oven, and I made brownies and cakes and everything with it. They were edible and tasted good! Somehow, my mom didn't think this was an inappropriate gift to give to a little boy.

I've done a lot of the cooking in my family, and I turned out fine.

we did not hold to the stereotypes in marketing even close to what we do today.

i remember the packaging from the 60's. i always wanted one, didnt get it.

my niece did thanksgiving and christmas this year. my brother did most of the cooking. nephews stepped in too. my husband is a better cook than i, though i have learned a lot over the yrs. my other niece's bf knows how to cook, niece does not.

so..... we pretty much broke the gender issue in cooking, and none of the men feel less for it. they feel pretty proud of their skills.

lol Nothing wrong with that. My Great-Grandpa (late 1800s) was a Chef at a big NYC hotel. My Dad did just about all the cooking at home when I was growing up because he liked cooking. Actually, I put on the Food Network and my 7 month old Grandson will sit on my lap and really WATCH them cook. Next generation? lol

BTW, I used to work in Head Start with 4 year olds. Boys would go to the Housekeeping Station, put on aprons, and "cook" with pots, pans, plastic food, etc. All the cooking equipment was in RED. Very gender neutral. So I suppose they do still make something that isn't just for GIRLS. You probably just need to look around a bit for it.

What's your second guess? (I'm guessing it's right!)

Shame on her!

and he was a BOY. We had hours of fun with that thing because his mother stocked up on Jiffy mixes and let us play with them.

Maybe this little three year old will go to the CIA and become a famous chef and shame his grandma for ever thinking cooking toys are sex typed. They're not.

You are not overreacting. Your SIL is a half wit and a sexist, to boot. Keep following the little guy's interests as they change over the years. After all, the toys are for him and not the silly cow who thinks you're trying to turn him gay by letting him play with his favorite things.

she is indeed out of line - it's a three year old fer chrissakes