I already hate the Dukes of Hazzard movie [View All]

And I know nothing about it except what I learned from watching a stupid MTV show about the making of what looks to be a Godawful cover of "These Boots Were Made For Walkin'" by Jessica Simpson.

The video is to promote the movie, in which Jessica Simpson plays Daisy Duke. Now, I know this will shock some of you, but "The Dukes of Hazzard" is one of the shows I used to watch regularly when I was a kid. And I liked it. Boss Hogg, Roscoe P. Coltrane, Craaaaaaaaaaazy Cooter comin atcha, Enos and his big crush on Daisy, the whole thing. Had absolutely no clue about the connotations of the big Confederate flag or the fact that the car was named the General Lee. I just thought it was funny how they were always hopping in and out through the windows. My brother explained that this was because the doors were welded shut, presumably to make it more aerodynamic. I also liked the theme song and the voiceovers a lot. "Sometimes, a rabbit'll turn on the dog that's chasing him. They got some mean rabbits in Hazzard." Too bad they replaced Bo and Luke with Coy and Vance. They just should have quit while they were ahead.

And, I suppose, it is just possible that I got something out of watching Catherine Bach strut around in her long brown hair, high heels, and barely-legal cutoffs, even at that tender, heavily repressed and sublimated age.

Anyway. So, Jessica Simpson is playing Daisy Duke, and that's problem number one. The opening sequence of this little 'making of' documentary shows them shooting a part of the video which is just her wearing a string bikini and 'washing' the General Lee. Really when you come right down to it what she's doing is humping it, soapily, but anyway...so the opening shot shows her opening the driver side door and walking out.

THE GENERAL LEE'S DOORS DON'T OPEN!! ARGH!

OK, well, let's see what happens next...oh, look, she's doing her stripper moves, how cute. And now...now...we cut away from Jessica Simpson lying on the hood of the car with a blanket over her waiting for another round of soapy car-humping to begin to Jessica Simpson sitting in a chair talking with a completely straight face about how portraying the character of Daisy Duke has uncovered a womanly inner strength that she never knew she had.

At that point, I had to turn the TV off. Good Lord, honey, it's a movie of a TV show, not *The Cherry Orchard.* Anyway, didn't I just see you humping the Confederate flag?

OK, so, the video probably has nothing to do with the movie...except the one clip they do show has two guys making a lame joke about her T&A ("I notice your initials are double D...heh heh") and then her giving one of them a Crouching Tiger kick to the neck and then stepping on his neck while saying, "May I suggest the special, sir?" through clenched teeth. Even I would consider that a wee tad of an overreaction, but in any case, Jessica's delivery suggests she thinks she's Bruce Willis, and...well, I'm not gettin' a good vibe about this project.

Someone else go see it and tell me how it was,

The Plaid Adder