Reply #27: What a soccer mom is, to me [View All]

A soccer mom is a woman who's allowed her children's extracurricular activities to take over her life.

The Soccer Mom usually drives a very large vehicle--a SUV or a minivan, if not a Sprinter. This is because she has taken on the responsibility of driving the whole team to games, practice, pizza parties and the like.

The Soccer Mom doesn't necessarily have a tailgate covered with Bush stickers. She does have a tailgate covered with magnetic softballs, soccer balls, cheerleaders, footballs and the like. For extra credit, the name of the child who plays the sport depicted by the magnet will be printed on it. For double extra credit, the kid's team name and jersey number will be on there too.

Last week, the Soccer Mom got pulled over by the cops. It seems that the huge "Go Tiffany Number One At Nationals" scrawled across the windows was obstructing the view through her mirrors.

The Soccer Mom is married to a man who brings home $250,000 per year but clips coupons and serves ramen for dinner twice a week because she has four kids and spends $30,000 per child on camps, clinics, educational videos and the like, and another $25,000 per year on gas. Oh yeah...they live in a singlewide in a trailer court.

The Soccer Mom wants to make sure her children have "all the things I didn't have when I was growing up." Honey, no one when you were growing up had the things you're buying for your children, like trips to week-long sleepover intensive camps for softball batters, because they hadn't been invented yet.

The Soccer Mom had her eyeliner and lipcolor tattooed on so she can use the ten minutes in the morning she WAS using to put her face on to search the Web for new cheerleading moves for her youngest daughter. And her hair is quick and easy to style--she gets a crewcut when she takes her son to the barber every Thursday afternoon and just wears wigs.

The Soccer Mom does all of these things because she knows it's the only way her children will ever get into a good college.

The Soccer Mom doesn't realize that the day her children turn 18, they're going to go right down and enlist in the Navy to work on aircraft carrier flight decks, where the stress level is a whole lot lower than it is at home.