Ex-Fannie boss fingers White House

At New York's Kennedy International Airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a T-square, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator.

Attorney General John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult indeed," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y" and although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns," we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great Greek philanderer, Isosceles, used to say, "there are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President {sic} Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Bush administration lawyers ... argue in court documents that conducting a search would be an enormous burden on the White House, which is "already heavily strained by responding to numerous congressional inquiries, in addition to fulfilling their other responsibilities for running the federal government."