Fake News You Can Really Use (April Fool's Day Special Edition: enjoy!)

April Fool’s Day Special Edition:

FAKE NEWS YOU CAN REALLY USE

By Liberty Belle

DELAY REMOVED FROM POWER; “THE HAMMER” SENT OVERSEAS FOR SPECIAL VIP TREATMENT

Washington, D.C. – Ethically-challenged House Majority Leader Tom Delay has been removed from Congress by the CIA and whisked overseas to an internment facility in Albania. “Waterboarding, electro-shock therapy and listening to Michael Jackson CDs do NOT constitute torture,” Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said when asked about Delay’s treatment. Rumsfeld denied that the unusual action was taken by the Bush administration to prevent further embarrassing revelations of corrupt Texas politics…


HARDING KO’s THE TERMINATOR:

Sacramento – Deciding his macho image needs a boost after taking a beating in recent public opinion polls, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger climbed into the ring for a round of celebrity boxing match with Tonya Harding. Harding accused Schwarzenegger of groping and promptly delivered a knock-out punch. “I only wish I’d had my crowbar,” said the figure skater-turned professional boxer…


GANNON EXPOSES STEAMY GOP SECRETS IN NEW TELL-ALL BOOK

New York – “My Life As a White House Media Whore,” a new tell-all autobiography by `Jeff Gannon’ is sending shockwaves through Washington, D.C. Penned by gossip-mongering ghostwriter Kitty Kelly and kept secret until it hit newsstands across America, the book reveals the gay hooker-turned-fake-journalist’s shocking dalliances with leading Bush administration cabinet officials, Republican moral values leaders, Karl Rove and the White House Easter bunny. But the most startling revelations are the full color, glossy photos, which graphically illustrate that politics does indeed make for strange bedfellows…


HOUSE VOTES TO IMPEACH BUSH, CHENEY

After learning of the President’s secret plan to privatize Congressional pensions and seize Representative’s lucrative campaign war chests, Republicans and Democrats in Congress voted to impeach George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney. The corporate-owned media is hyping the “Trial of the Century” – no, not the Senate impeachment hearings. To boost ratings, the major networks plan to air round-the-clock footage of Michael Jackson’s trial instead…


DIEBOLD BUYERS REVEALED

A consortium of private investors has purchased Diebold for an undisclosed sum. The investment consortium has now been revealed to be a front group for progressive citizens, whose first executive decision has been to rename the company Livefree. “I promise that Livefree will deliver the 2008 election to Hilary,” pledged Livefree’s new CEO, Bill Clinton…

BOXER NAMES CABINET

Assured of victory in her just-announced 2008 run for the White House, Hilary Clinton and her Vice Presidential running mate, Barbara Boxer, have revealed key cabinet nominees.

“As FCC Commissioner, Michael Moore’s first priority will be to reinstate the Fairness Doctrine and unplug that unfair and biased network, Fox News,” vowed Clinton, who also promised to break up the media monopolies and eliminate government propaganda.

Attorney General nominee John Kerry stated that his first priority will be to launch investigations into rampant corruption in the Bush administration.

In other news, Clinton announced plans to appoint John Edwards to the Supreme Court. DNC Chair Howard Dean praised the early nomination, adding that Justice Edwards “will put the people’s interests ahead of the corporations that have been running this country. Yeaaaaaaaaaah!”


CONSERVATIVES SEEK ASYLUM IN CANADA

The Canadian embassy reports a flood of calls from right-wing, neoconservative Rapture-seeking fundamentalists in the U.S., including several high-ranking White House officials, sources report. The neoconservatives seek asylum in Canada, claiming that they would be persecuted--or prosecuted--if forced to remain in the U.S. under a government that actually enforces the laws. Canada's Prime Minister has promised to welcome all former Bush administration officials with open arms--just before turning them over to an international war tribunal at the Hague.

BREAKING NEWS: HALLIBURTON PROBE FINDS OIL ON MARS

Seeking new frontiers to exploit and conquer, Dick Cheney was last seen leading a delegation of neoconservative interventionists on an exploratory mission to the red planet. After hastily resigning as Vice President to avoid the scandal of impeachment and criminal trials, Cheney and a crew of former Enron traders are reportedly in transit to a secure, undisclosed location deep beneath the surface of the red planet. An unconfirmed report indicates that a previously unknown cell of Martian terrorists is planning a welcoming ceremony for the invading forces.


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