Schlep Boys: An allegory for teflon punditry.

Schlep Boys
Failing forward in one act.
Allan Uthman

(Scene takes place in the interior of an auto repair garage. Charles Krauthammer is seated behind a counter. America walks up and addresses Krauthammer.)

America: Hey, I've got a problem here.

Krauthammer: Welcome to Kristol and Krauthammer Kollision. Can I help you?

America: Uh—yeah I was just in here... I paid you guys to fix my car? It was making a knocking sound?

Krauthammer: Yes?

America: Yeah, it broke down in your driveway right there.

Krauthammer: Oh dear.

America: Yeah, and...uh...

Krauthammer: Let me get the guys. Bill! Tom! Peter!

(William Kristol, Thomas Friedman and Peter Beinart approach. They are well dressed and clean, bearing no signs of having been engaged in auto repair work.)

Krauthammer: This guy says we messed up his car.

Kristol: No way, hehe.

Beinart: Damn, I knew it.

America: Listen, it's not just you didn't fix it. I looked under the hood—

Beinart: Shit.

Kristol: Damn, hehe.

America: (Growing impatient) Yeah, I looked under the hood, and—I can't believe I'm saying this—I looked under the hood, and my engine's not there. And uh... instead of the engine, there's a... a pig in there, on a treadmill, and a monkey. The monkey's not moving.

Friedman: Yeah, we had to replace the engine.

America: Replace it? There's a pig and a dead monkey in there! What the hell? You guys are supposed to be good at this?