On the advantages of Cryo-freezing VP's

It was John Garner the 32nd Vice President of the United States that suggested that the office of the vice president wasn’t worth "a warm bucket of spit." One can hardly deny that a VP might have reasons to believe this considering the majority of his duties seem largely ceremonial, at least historically speaking. Until someone dies or the Senate can’t quite make up its mind the VP is pretty useless. There of course have been historical Vice Presidents that have gone a little further, exceeding their duties and the law. Richard Nixon, who could not wait to campaign for president it seems, and Dick Cheney who seems to have expanded his authority beyond the constitution to the point where he seems to be creating his own "fourth branch" of government.

It is in concern to these matters and a spirit of pragmatism as well as an eye on the specific problems of the current body inhabiting that bucket of spit (however worthy he might be of it) that I suggest a solution to this problem.

We should cryogenically freeze all vice presidents upon assumption of office. I’m serious. Five minutes after taking their oath of office they should kiss their loved ones goodnight and drop into a chute and be frozen in carbonite or whatever the hell they used to put Disney on ice.

And think of the advantages to the consumer. A VP can be kept fresh as the day they were frozen with all opinions and concerns crispy and ready to put to use should he need to be wheeled out to vote with the Senate. No fuss no muss. Of course the VP would also be preserved in whatever health he was when he was turned into a Popsicle resulting in less wear and tear or need for replacement.

This would also be a tremendous advantage in terms of national security. Imagine a terrorist crashes a plane with a stolen icelandian neutron bomb (those crazy Viking would never use a weapon that would deprive them of possible loot and booty) on capitol mall MEANWHILE a hijacked jumbo jet parachutes 200,000 rabid weasels all over LA and somehow Jack Ryan and Jack Bauer are both on a honeymoon vacation together on some remote Grecian island. Whatever would we do?

Well with the frozen VP the answer would be easy. His cryo- tube could be stored in a vault 2 miles underground in the most secure imaginable facility, thus guaranteeing the line of succession beyond any doubt.

The chaos of succession seems neat and orderly compared to the dizzying activities that occur between the various staff of the President and VP. One office plays around with responsibility in funneling intelligence or pushing forward lists of prosecutors assuming duties that are not officially delegated in a neat and orderly fashion. The executive becomes less an individual with actual accountability and more a shifting morass of ideologies and competing interests. Even seemingly benign programs such as Al Gore’s involvement in‘Reinventing Government’ created a bit of confusion. Having a VP on ice saves us all of this potential trouble.

And think of the savings. Right now the senate is trying to defund the VP’s office because of his unwillingness to share information in regards to innumerable scandals. I say go for it! If we freeze him he does not need staff, offices, rent for a DC townhouse, access to Air force One, or the massive amount of money that goes into securing his every move by the secret service.

Of course there will be those nay-sayers that suggest this can’t be done, that we don’t have the technology, or that attempting to cryo-freeze a VP before we can properly thaw them might be an unneeded risk. Well in the case of the current VP I think we should certainly be willing to take that risk.

this could work to the betterment of the nation!

I can't promise anything, but they probably wouldn't get to campaign as much.

then, we'll put him in a rocket ship and launch him to his new home, in the Oort cloud.

not worth "a bucket of warm piss." Our ever-vigilant press cleaned up the remark for him. Delicate American ears must never be offended by naughty words.

I wasn't aware of that and I am not the least bit surprised by it.

bucket better; but he used pitcher.