The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 307

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 307

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 307

September 24, 2007
Dead Mandela Walking Edition

This week George W. Bush (1) breaks some sad news, Rudy Giuliani (2,3) finds that his head no longer fits through most doors, Mitt Romney (5) gaffes up a storm, and John McCain (6) loses his religion. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

George W. Bush

What, you didn't hear? At a press conference last week George W. Bush answered a question about the need for leadership in Iraq, and temporarily stunned the world by announcing the death of South Africa's most famous son.

I thought an interesting comment was made - somebody said to me, I heard somebody say, "Now, where's Mandela?" Well, Mandela's dead.

According to Dana Milbank, who was in attendance, "There was a gasp in the White House briefing room at this news."

But don't panic folks, Nelson Mandela isn't really dead. Our Great Leader was merely trying to make one of them durn metamaphors. He continued:

...because Saddam Hussein killed all the Mandelas.

Yes, if only Saddam Hussein hadn't killed all the Mandelas. But then, maybe if Poppy Bush hadn't told the Shiites to rise up against Saddam Hussein in 1991, and then refused to protect them while they were slaughtered, there would be a few more Mandelas to go around.

And what's so great about Nelson Mandela anyway? After all, when our current vice president Mr. Dick Cheney was but a humble congressman in 1986, he regarded Mandela as a terrorist and voted against a House resolution calling for his release.

In fact, it's odd that Bush and friends don't still regard Mandela as a terrorist, given that he's been known to go around saying things like this:

Former South African president Nelson Mandela has criticised US President George W Bush over Iraq, saying the sole reason for a possible US-led attack would be to gain control of Iraqi oil.

(snip)

Nelson Mandela called Mr Bush "a president who can't think properly and wants to plunge the world into holocaust".

He said war "would be devastating not just to Iraq but also to the whole of the Middle East and to other countries of the world".

Hmph. If you ask me George W. Bush should be thanking Saddam Hussein for killing all those pesky Mandelas.

Rudy Giuliani

How big is Rudy Giuliani's ego?

After a few days of study, I came up with this scientifically-accurate size comparison:

That's right. Rudy Giuliani's ego is the size of Jupiter. On a trip to England last week, he boasted to reporters that "I'm probably one of the four or five best known Americans in the world." Oh really? One of the four or five best known Americans in the world? Really? That's some pretty rare air Rudy is breathing up there.

Still, coming hot on the heels of his announcement that he was "at Ground Zero as often, if not more, than most of the workers," (see Idiots 303) this should play nicely into Rudy's new campaign slogan, released last week:

Rudy Giuliani

Rudy's delusions of grandeur continued later in the week when he appeared before members of the National Rifle Association in Washington DC. Thanks to his longstanding support of gun control, Rudy isn't very popular with the NRA. But that didn't stop this most famous of Americans from pulling one of the more bizarre stunts we've seen this campaign season.

According to the New York Post:

Hold on, it's Judi.

That's the stunning line Rudy Giuliani told an already-skeptical crowd of gun enthusiasts yesterday when he abruptly interrupted his speech - to take a call from his wife.

The interruption drew awkward laughs and some outrage from the 400 National Rifle Association members on hand in a Washington, D.C., hotel ballroom.

Smooth moves, Rudy! I'd say a great way to win over a room full of key GOP voters is to pretend that you've got more important things to do than talk to them.

Clearly, some NRA members didn't see it as any kind of blessing.

"You mean you can't turn off your phone?" steamed Lacrecia Crowell, of Dardanelle, Ark. "I can't believe it!"

"It just seems to me like he didn't take the group that seriously," added her husband, Art.

Another NRA member muttered, "That was just weird."

Weird maybe, but planned? Never! "It was a candid and spontaneous moment on the campaign trail," spokeswoman Maria Comella said.

Er... yeah, sure. Expect to see more of these "candid and spontaneous" phone calls from Rudy's loving wife as the campaign continues.

Peter King

Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani's homeland security chief was under fire last week for suggesting that the problem with America is....

"Unfortunately we have too many mosques in this country, there's too many people who are sympathetic to radical Islam. We should be looking at them more carefully, we should be finding out how we can infiltrate, we should be much more aggressive in law enforcement."

So let me get this straight... the problem with America is that there's too much freedom of religion and not enough domestic spying. I see.

Well gee, I just hope that Pete King doesn't forget to make sure that this more aggressive law enforcement is done without warrants, and that anyone who looks faintly suspicious is shipped overseas to a secret detention center where they're tortured until they lose their minds, because it just wouldn't be America otherwise. Heck, why don't we just burn the mosques down? That'd stop 'em.

It's okay though, because Rudy Giuliani isn't fazed one bit by Pete King's comments. See, they were taken out of context. Oh, aren't they always?

Mitt Romney

More news from the campaign trail: if it's a day that ends in a "y" then it must be time for another Mitt Romney gaffe. Here's the latest:

The hospital that former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney used as a backdrop Monday to pan Sen. Hillary Clinton's, D-New York, healthcare plan is criticizing Romney for using the facility as a prop for his news conference.

"We find it unfortunate that Mr. Romney misappropriated the image and good will of St. Vincent's Hospital to further a political agenda," the hospital said in a statement after Romney's appearance. The hospital also noted in the statement that as a non-profit, it does not get involved in political campaigns and that Romney held his press conference in front of the hospital "without the knowledge or consent" of St. Vincent's.

Tune in next week when Mitt Romney arrives at a press event driving a car with a dog strapped to the roof and holding sign a comparing Barack Obama to Osama bin Laden before announcing that he's firing his campaign chairman for impersonating a police officer. Oh wait. All those things happened already.

(By the way, check out this spoof Mitt Romney campaign ad if you haven't already.)

John McCain

Meanwhile, poor John McCain is having such a tough time on the campaign trail that he's decided to change his religion. According to CNN's Tom Foreman:

The senator from Arizona and Republican presidential hopeful told the AP that he was a Baptist, but Episcopalian is the faith listed in his biography in the latest guide of members of Congress and in the most recent edition of the Almanac of American Politics.

And, in an interview with McClatchy Newspapers in June, McCain said he still called himself an Episcopalian.

Yes, it seems that McCain grew up as an Episcopalian and has always referred to himself as such - right up until last week when he revealed that he's actually a Baptist. Of course the fact that he happened to be in South Carolina at the time had nothing to do with it.

If Mitt Romney wins Iowa, look for McCain to become a Mormon.

The Bush Administration and Blackwater

Last week Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki called for U.S. security firm Blackwater to be kicked out of Iraq after Blackwater guards killed at least 10 civilians and wounded 13 during a shootout in Baghdad.

According to the Associated Press:

Lawyer Hassan Jabir was stuck in traffic when he heard Blackwater USA security contractors shout "Go, Go, Go." Moments later bullets pierced his back, he said Thursday from his hospital bed.

Jabir was among about a dozen people wounded Sunday during the shooting in west Baghdad's Mansour neighborhood. Iraqi police say at least 11 people were killed.

Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki described the shooting as a "crime" by Blackwater, a N.C.-based company that guards American diplomats and civilian officials in Iraq.

"No one fired at them," Jabir said of the Blackwater guards. "No one attacked them but they randomly fired at people. So many people died in the street."

Apparently this is the seventh incident in which Blackwater guards have massacred Iraqi civilians, and it prompted the Iraqi government to revoke Blackwater's license.

But not so fast, so-called prime minister! Just because you're the elected leader of Iraq, it doesn't mean that you can tell Americans what to do. Soon after the attack, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice announced that she would be getting on the phone with al-Maliki to "express regret" for the incident. And wouldn't you know it? Four days later...

Despite opposition from Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki, US security company Blackwater was back on the streets of Baghdad on Friday, four days after being grounded over a fatal shooting incident.

Maliki, meanwhile, was in the firing line over a damning report by the US embassy made public Friday detailing corruption plaguing his government, which called his office's attitude to tackling the problem "openly hostile."

Blackwater guards, whom a furious Maliki wanted replaced after they opened fire in Baghdad killing 10 people, were on Friday protecting US personnel on limited missions, US spokeswoman Mirembe Nantongo told AFP.

"We have resumed limited movement today. It is very limited and all missions need to be pre-approved," she said.

"The decision was taken by us in consultation with the Iraqi government. All convoys will be protected by PSDs (private security details). Yes, it is Blackwater."

So there you have it. "Message to Iraqis: our war profiteering is more important than your civilians." Mission accomplished, I think.

Oh yes... it was also reported last week that "Federal prosecutors are investigating whether employees of the private security firm Blackwater USA illegally smuggled into Iraq weapons that may have been sold on the black market and ended up in the hands of a U.S.-designated terrorist organization."

But not to worry. I'm sure it will all be cleared up and Blackwater will be found to have done nothing wrong. Again.

(Incidentally, don't expect Mitt Romney to have much to say about this. The vice chairman of Blackwater is Romney's senior adviser for national security issues.)

George W. Bush

Last week, according to Dan Froomkin of the Washington Post, George W. Bush told a military blogger that he was jealous of the troops fighting in Iraq and said he wished he could be there with them. Say what?

"Responding to one of the bloggers in Iraq he expressed envy that they could be there, and said he'd like to be there but 'One, I'm too old to be out there, and two, they would notice me.'"

Presumably he continued, "And three, I've really got a lot of paperwork to do, and four, my knee's a bit stiff, and five, someone's got to feed Barney, and six, look out behind you, is that Osama bin Laden? Gotta go!"

John David R. Atchison

John David Roy Atchison is (or at least was until last week) an assistant U.S. Attorney in Florida, and according to the posters at DailyKos is a registered Republican:

The only registered John Dave R Atchison (John David Roy Atchison) registered in Florida is a Republican from Gulf Breeze (Pensacola suburb) born in 1957, which fits the other information.....

Now, I've noted plenty of GOP sex crimes over the years in this column, but this has got to be the worst yet. Last week Mr. Atchison was arrested when, according to the Detroit News...

He was caught in an Internet child sex sting run by the Macomb County Sheriff's Department and the FBI and arrested Sunday when he flew into Detroit Metropolitan Airport from Pensacola, Fla., according to a criminal complaint filed in federal court in Detroit.

A sheriff's deputy posed as a mother who was interested in finding someone to have sex with her children, in a sting that has already netted a California paramedic and numerous other alleged pedophiles from around the country.

According to the complaint, Atchison reassured the sheriff's deputy who was posing as the child's mother that he would not hurt the 5-year-old because he goes "slow and easy," and "I've done it plenty."

Pardon me, I have to go vomit now...

Bill O'Reilly

And finally, Talking Points Memo noted last week that The Falafel Master was utterly astonished by his recent visit to Harlem with Al Sharpton. Here's Bill on the Radio Factor:

"We went to Sylvia's, a very famous restaurant in Harlem. I had a great time, and all the people up there are tremendously respectful. They all watch The Factor. You know, when Sharpton and I walked in, it was like a big commotion and everything, but everybody was very nice.

"And I couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship.

Incredible! A restaurant in Harlem is exactly the same as any other restaurant in New York City, even though it's run by blacks! How in the world can this be possible?

According to TPM:

On the same program, O'Reilly was describing his experience to NPR's Juan Williams. "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea.'"

Okay, I'm officially speechless. See you next week.

-- EarlG