Episode 28: Steve Schmidt Steps In

Still more excerpts from ABC newsman Charles Gibson’s interview with Sarah Palin.

Charles Gibson: Now for something a bit more sensitive, Governor.

Sarah Palin: Bring it on, Charles. I’m a big girl.

Gibson: The situation that the media sometimes calls Troopergate..

Palin: I don’t like that term one little bit.

Gibson: How would you prefer we call it?

Palin: Ex-brother-in-law-full-of-crap-Gate.

Steve Schmidt bursts into the room.

Schmidt: Whoa. Mrs. P., would you mind taking a potty break while Charles and I have a little male bonding session?

Palin: Not at all. I thought you said this interview would be slo-pitch only.

Schmidt: Don’t worry, I’ll straighten him out.

Governor Palin leaves the room.

Schmidt: You’re not treating her with enough deference.

Gibson: She’s not the Queen, Steve.

Schmidt: She’s my Queen, buddy boy. I plan to ride that woman’s rack all the way to the Oval Office.

Gibson: You think this is about her breasts?

Schmidt: What else could it be? I’m not even writing new speeches for her. Two weeks ago I’m thinking about sending around my resume, and now I’m looking at four years in the Big Job. America. Go figure.

Gibson: That’s what this is about? A job for you?

Schmidt: Hell yes. You think I’m doing it for my country? I already served in the Marines, Charles. America got its pound of flesh from my ass. And to answer your question, I’m shooting for Karl’s old job in the Permanent Campaign. These two simpletons are gonna need somebody to run things for ‘em.

The sad thing is, McCain is probably the smartest Republican in the Senate.

Gibson: Really?

Schmidt: Name one smarter. waits See my point? Not a lot of genes in that wading pool. I didn’t pick you for this interview because I wanted Dan freakin’ Rather. You need to ease up. If you do good, I might even throw the Senator at you.

Gibson: I’m underwhelmed. But I understand. I scratch your back, you scratch mine.

Schmidt: More like, ‘you scratch my back, maybe I don’t piss down your neck.’ Got the message?

Gibson: Loud and clear.

Schmidt:All right. Here she is. Remember what I said.

Palin: Well, I feel refreshed. Did you know they have those cute little perfume jets in the Ladies, Steve? I think it’s Chanel #5. Oh, you can start anytime, Charlie.

Gibson: Thank you, ma’am. By the way, have I told you how purty you look this evening?

Palin: Why thank you, kind sir. You’re looking handsome yourself.