The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 354

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 354

October 6, 2008
Nudge Nudge Wink Wink Edition

This week, Sarah Palin (1,2) grabs the spotlight while John McCain (4) cuts and runs. Elsewhere, Pat Robertson (5) sees the future, and Darrell Issa (10) has the hots for Reagan. Don't forget the key!



Sarah Palin

Well hi! So nice to be here! Gosh darn it, what a lovely podium! Hey, can I call you Joe? And can I call you Gwen? So nice to meetcha both. And all of you watchin' at home. There was some good college basketball today, I'm gonna show you highlights plus tell you all about that next so stay right there.

Sorry, where was I? Oh yes. Tonight I'll be repeatin' the stuff they told me to say about John McCain's plan for the next four years and explainin' why my executive experience makes me just perfect to be the second most powerful person in the world. America, tonight I'm not gonna pass out or vomit on my shoes, which is the first and most important criteria for this very important job. Did I mention I come from Alaska? (wink)

Okay, here goes! Let's talk economy. You know, I think a good barometer here, as we try to figure out has this been a good time or a bad time in America's economy, is go to a kid's soccer game on Saturday, and turn to any parent there on the sideline and ask them, "How are you feelin' about the economy?"

If they say "Darn it, I can't pay for gosh darn gas to fill up my darn gas tank," then you know that you're talkin' to a real Joe Sixpack or hockey mom, even if you're at a soccer game. So what we need is less taxes and more changes and we kinda need more mavericks in government, a team of mavericks like John McCain and myself, so we can have less taxes and more changes and better economy. (wink)

Now I understand that the American people wanna hear specifics. But hold on there one darn second. I may not answer the questions that either the moderator or you wanna hear, Joe, but I'm gonna talk straight to the American people and let them know my track record also, doggone it. So let's talk about education. America needs to be puttin' a lot more focus on that and our schools have got to be really ramped up in terms of the funding that they are deservin'. Here's a shout-out to all the third graders! Don't worry about the teachers, their reward will be in heaven. Unless they're gay teachers, in which case they'll be burnin' in the flamin' pits of hell. (wink)

But I also wanna clarify, if there's any kinda suggestion at all from my answer that I would be anythin' but tolerant of adults in America choosin' their partners, choosin' relationships that they deem best for themselves, ya know, choosin' ta be the gay, I am tolerant and I have a very diverse family and group of friends and even within that group you would see some who may not agree with me on this issue, some very dear friends who don't agree with me on this issue. In fact, some of my best friends are going to hell!

Let's talk energy. Tillerson at Exxon and Mulva at ConocoPhillips, bless their hearts, they're doin' what they need to do, as corporate CEOs, but they're not my biggest fans, because what I had to do up there in Alaska was to break up a monopoly up there and say, ya know, the people are gonna come first and we're gonna make sure that we have value given to the people of Alaska with those resources. So let's open up Alaska to more oil drillin' and drill baby drill! That'll teach those gosh darn big oil CEOs a thing or two.

You might be worried that all that drillin' might be bad for the environment. Now, I'm not one to attribute every activity of man to the changes in the climate. There is somethin' to be said also for man's activities, but also for the cyclical temperature changes on our planet. (wink) But there are real changes goin' on in our climate. And I don't wanna argue about the causes. What I wanna argue about is, how are we going to get there to positively affect the impacts? I guess what I'm sayin' is, let's not worry about what's causin' all these problems with the climate, let's just fix the gosh darn thing.

So how long have I been at this, like five weeks? Let me tell ya I've spent much of those five weeks wonderin' if the vice president has enough power, to be honest. I think the answer is heck no! I mean, Dick Cheney is cool and all, but the foundin' fathers were very wise there in allowin' through the Constitution much flexibility there in the office of the vice president. And perhaps Dick Cheney's problem was that he just wasn't flexible enough. For example, I plan to have a seat for my husband Todd, and perhaps a parkin' space for his snow machine, right there in the Oval Office. Er, I mean the vice president's office! (wink) Because family is so important.

Um, okay... let's see here... Iraq. Say it ain't so, Joe, your plan is a white flag of surrender in Iraq. Zing! And as for who coined that central war on terror being in Iraq, it was the Gen. Petraeus and al Qaeda, both leaders there and it's probably the only thing that they're ever gonna agree on, but that it was a central war on terror is in Iraq. You don't have to believe me or John McCain on that. I would believe Petraeus and the leader of al Qaeda. Whoever that is. And I think there's a fundamental difference between Joe and myself here, which is that he thinks the policies of the Bush administration have been an abject failure, and I do not.

So to sum up, I like being able to answer these tough questions without the filter, even, of the mainstream media kinda tellin' viewers what they've just heard. We're tired of politics as usual. And that's why, with all due respect, I do respect your years in the U.S. Senate, Joe, but gosh darn it I think Americans are cravin' somethin' new and different and that new energy and that new commitment that's going to come with reform. And if there's one thing that says new and different and new energy and new commitment and reform, it's "President John McCain." You betcha!

Good night! (wink)



Sarah Palin

In other Palin-related news...

Sarah released her tax returns last week, which reveal that rather than being a down-home, struggling, regular family, the Palins "had a gross income of nearly $170,000" in 2007. They are worth around $1.2 million. One curious discrepancy - the Palins apparently did not pay tax on the $60,000 in travel expenses that Sarah charged to the state while living at home. Nice work if you can get it.

Meanwhile, Sarah campaigned in Texas last week, where...


Apparently Palin is serious in her effort to throw Texas to the Democrats. Earlier in the day, she referred to it as "Alaska's little sister state."

Finally, Palin was in pitbull mode (zzzzzz) last week, going after Barack Obama for occasionally crossing paths with former-60s-radical-now-reformed-college-professor Bill Ayers. If you weren't sure what John McCain meant when he said that he pledged to run a respectful campaign, here it is:


Yes, while more than 80% of Americans think the country is heading in the wrong direction and are looking desperately for solutions, the McCain campaign is busy attacking Obama for vaguely knowing some guy who did some stupid shit forty years ago, when Obama was eight years old.

And yes, that's really all they've got left.



The McCain Campaign

After last week's Web ad fiasco, in which the McCain campaign released this ad hours before the first presidential debate took place:


... you'd think they'd be a bit more careful. But this is the McCain campaign we're talking about here. The day after the vice-presidential debate last week, they released this ad:


Yes, you can take it from "Famous Person" - Palin nailed it!

The famous person in question was actually Peggy Noonan, but it seems the McCain campaign couldn't be bothered to confirm that fact before releasing the ad.



John McCain

At the first presidential debate, John McCain had the gall to suggest that Barack Obama doesn't know the difference between a tactic and a strategy. Oh really, John? Because I'd say Obama's campaign strategy is comfortably kicking your pathetic string of tactics all over the place. Last week's national pollgasm indicates that McCain has an increasingly rocky road ahead of him, and his campaign jalopy is already running with three flat tires and a busted rear axle.

Meanwhile...


Given his recent campaign suspension-non-suspension shenanigans, the Obama campaign is wisely treating McCain's announcement with a grain of salt. But even if this is a ploy, it shows how desperate McCain is. If he's been reduced to a plan that causes important Michigan Republicans to say things like, "I don't know what McCain was thinking. He's a general who left the battlefield in the middle of the fight. I'm disappointed in his behavior; he's thrown a lot of good Republican candidates under the bus," then he's really in trouble. And I mean http://news.yahoo.com/s/politico/20081005/pl_politico/23115">really in trouble...


But it's okay - McCain has found an excuse for his collapsing poll numbers.


Yes, John may be a multi-millionaire with a dozen houses and even more cars, but when it comes to running for president, life just isn't fair. Never mind the fact that his choice for VP has only enhanced his reputation as a crazy crap-shooting maniac. Never mind the fact that he keeps spouting nonsense like, "the fundamentals of our economy are strong." Never mind the fact that his ground game appears to be invisible. Barack Obama is winning because "life isn't fair."

Excuse me while I wipe away the world's tiniest teardrop.



Pat Robertson

Breaking news! Pat Robertson has received a message from God. According to the Virginian-Pilot:


Funnily enough Pat also foresaw possible nuclear attacks against the United States in his predictions for 2007. When they failed to materialize, Pat said, "All I can think is that somehow the people of God prayed and God in his mercy spared us."

Well thank goodness for that.



Joe McCain

With just a few weeks to go until election day, the McCain campaign is struggling in traditionally red states. Over the weekend Sarah Palin was campaigning in Nebraska.

So what better time than to insult the most populous area of a southern state that you desperately need to win? Step forward Joe McCain, who appears to be about as stable as his brother John. Joe was campaigning in Virginia last week where, according to the Associated Press:


Way to go, Joe! Would you like some fries to go with that foot in your mouth?



Mell Kuhn

You just can't make this stuff up. According to Think Progress:


Apparently Kuhn showed up to the pageant - which was being held to support a children's advocacy group - as a character called "Smellishis Poon," along with a group of backup dancers called the "Red Hot Puntangs." Is that classy or what? Take a look:


When pressed to defend himself, Kuhn responded, "All this PC is bullshit. We go around walking on eggshells all the time, we don't get anything done."

He later apologized after the NAACP had a word in his ear - but the really disturbing part of this story? Kuhn won the beauty contest.



Danny Funderburk

And here's some more mayor madness, this time from South Carolina, thanks to Fort Mill mayor Danny Funderburk who last week "forwarded a chain e-mail suggesting Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama is the biblical antichrist."

According to WCNC-TV:


See? No problem here. Funderburk was just trying to get confirmation - you can't blame a guy for trying to educate himself. The worst part is that nobody has been able to given him a straight answer yet.


Oh, if only there was some kind of reliable source that could set Funderburk's mind to rest. I guess he'll just have to wait until the Rapture to find out for sure.



David Zucker and Friends

The reviews are in, and David Zucker's new anti-Michael Moore movie "An American Carol" has been officially certified rotten by the movie review aggregator RottenTomatoes.com.

But of course, effete liberal movie reviewers aren't the audience Zucker and Co. are aiming at - they're taking this movie straight to the people. So what do the people think? Well, "An American Carol" opened over the weekend with a miserable $3.8 million from 1,639 theaters, an average of about $2,325 per theater. At ten bucks a ticket, you can see that "An American Carol" isn't exactly cramming them in.

Let's put those totals in perspective by comparing them to another movie. To give Zucker a fighting chance, let's make that movie one of those awful liberal documentaries that he loves to hate. To make it even easier on him, let's make it a movie that that opened in half as many theaters. "Fahrenheit 9/11" opened in 2004 with $24 million from 868 theaters, an average of about about $27,550 per theater. It went on to make $120 million domestically, and almost a quarter of a billion dollars worldwide.

The free market has spoken, Mr. Zucker - and it said your movie sucks balls.



Darrell Issa

Poor John McCain really got hosed last week. First he "suspended" his campaign and rushed back to Washington to solve the financial crisis. Then he bragged that he was responsible for reaching an agreement on the bailout bill. And then House Republican leaders failed to deliver the votes they promised and the bill went down, leaving McCain looking like a fool and a fraud. You know, you can say what you like about McCain, but four years with him as president would certainly be a thrilling rollercoaster ride. If you like rollercoasters without seat restraints - or brakes.

Anyway, it turns out that there are quite a few Republicans in Washington who, after years of gobbling at the public trough, have suddenly had an eleventh hour conversion to fiscal conservatism. Take frequent conservative idiot Darrell Issa, for example. According to Real Clear Politics:


I must admit I can understand Issa's concen. After all, a coffin placed on top of Ronald Reagan's coffin would seriously hinder the second coming of the Gipper. He'll never be able to rise from the grave if he can't get the lid open.

And finally...

Due to the imminent arrival of my first child - he's expected in just a few days time - the Top 10 is going on hiatus next week, and will likely not return until after the election. If all goes well then the next time I write the list we'll be just a few weeks away from the end of this eight-year-long Republican nightmare, and looking towards a brighter future.

But despite what the polls say right now, remember that this is no time to relax. Please make sure you are registered to vote and get your family and friends to double-check their registrations. Donate what you can to the Obama campaign and to other Democrats around the country who are in close races. On election day, do what you can to get your friends and neighbors to the polls. If you want to do more, check out BarackObama.com for volunteering opportunities. They need all the help they can get, and we need to fight this thing all the way to the finish line.

Here's to victory in November, and I'll see you again soon!

-- EarlG

It's really sorry to see the imbeciles in our voting population who are enamored by the Palin white-trash campaign, as opposed to those who can't identify with the McCain, "I don't know how rich we are or how many houses we own" other side of the Republican coin.

#1 was brilliant. I don't want to read on.

My eyes! :cry:


ow ow ow ow ow...

I saw the quote attributed to "Famous Person" and the only one that fit that category in my mind would have been Mc Shame, but then it came to me that it said Famous Person not Infamous Person.

PS Good luck with your pending new arrival and will be waiting for your return.

wish you could be with us with this hillarious installment as McCain continues buffooning himself accross the country.

Congrats on the baby!!!!

Good luck to you and Mrs. EarlG! Let us know what happens!

It will change your life--I only hope it doesn't also obliterate the Top 10!

Best wishes for a safe, prompt, and drama-free delivery,

The Plaid Adder

It's not a competition, gentlemen!






:-)



Congrats, EarlG and Mrs. EarlG! :toast:

You have all of us wishing you and Mrs. Earl a fabulous birth!!!

I almost feel sorry for those imbeciles that paid $10 for the American Carol movie. The previews were pathetic! I love how you compared it to Fahrenheit 9/11. Silly conservatives! That movie looks really tragic by golly!
:silly:

We'll miss you Earl! :hi:

very much.

Even after we win the election (I know we will because we won the last two--there was just that little election theft problem, which hopefully Obama et. al. are on top of) and purge congress of Repugs we'll need our Top 10 to stay on top of their psychopathic misdeeds.

At least 3 of this week's items showcase the GOP's sad attempt at humor, including David Zucker's crapfest. Silly conservatives, leave the humor to the professionals, OK?

What is it with the brothers McCain and geography? First John thinks Iraq shares a border with Afghanistan (well, they actually do share a border, it's called Iran), then he thinks Czechoslovakia is still somewhere, then he thinks Spain is in Latin America and Venezuela is in the Middle East. Now his brother, Joe, doesn't even know where Arlington and Alexandria are (after having spent the last 10 years in Louden county and a third of his military career in Arlington and Alexandria:

To help Joe out, Here's a map of northern Virginia. As you can see, Arlington and Alexandria are not "up there", but rather "down there", or perhaps "over there" (depending on where Joe was in Loudoun county).

Jeez... How will we muddle on without EarlG?

--Kibitzer

;)

:hi:

Best wishes to you & Madame and le petit EarlG!

(I busted out some snobby Frenchie-style lingo just for the little one b/c it's never to early to start being part of the East Coast intellectual elite, dontchya know? You betcha!)

Get Skinner to do it one week. Get Rachel Maddow to do it another. C'mon, there has to be somebody who can do this!

To the sounds of a nano-scale violin.


Good luck with the coming birth, I wish you well.

but NO! i can't make it that long without my idiots. :cry:

okay, okay. in all seriousness enjoy your new baby in good health and joy!

"Life isn't fair"? Excuse me? Maybe it's because you Repugnants fuck it up royally every time you get a bit of power. And, Mr. Wrinkly White-Haired Guy, there's no one more arrogant, more power-hungry, more phony than that little governor you picked as your running mate. If there's any proof you aren't a maverick, picking as a running mate a religious nutjob you would have condemned eight years ago is it.

:toast:

And may hers be as speedy a delivery as mine was on October 8, 2000. 28 minutes after I arrived at the hospital my son made his entrance into the world.

Best wishes to all of you!

I seem to remember him slipping pro-environmental and pro-Democratic messages into the Naked Gun movies. Or was that his brother?

May your life be filled with Democratic Presidents! :D

We will miss the Top 10, but Baby EarlG is the Top One.

Try to get some rest.

(pretty much Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker-ville). Rock Hill is next door. If there's a Fort Hill, I don't know about it.

Important: good luck to you and Mrs. Earl on the baby. Mazel tov!

One doesn't often hear "trailers" for movies on radio, but Vivendi ran radio ad schedules to promote the film Friday. The radio station where I work (with a conservative audience) was treated to up to two ads an hour on Friday. If similar schedules were run nationwide, "American Carol"'s box office take looks even more pathetic.

But that's okay. Congrats on the baby!

and congratulations on your new little guy!

May the sleep deprivation be short!

Bettie

..congrats on the baby! Family is #1

You'll be missed around here.

--IMM

I look forward to your piece every week. Be well.

John McCain (1, 3, 5, 7, 9)

Sarah Palin (2, 4, 6, 8)

some random conservative idiot (pick one: pedophile, racist, chickenhawk, thief, etc.) (10)

See you next year -- at President Obama's inauguration! :bounce:

Whenever the little nipper shows up, big congrats.(I know you will send us a big shout out when that happens.)

Until then, try to get some sleep in the bank. Seriously. (And if you snore, for gawdsake, hit the couch & let the missus get a healthy set of zzzzz's)

Way to go, Earl. May you and the family do well...you are in all of our thoughts. And thanks for the great Idiots update, as always!

:toast:

"Don't bother. Ignore it. Now, look at the pretty puntangs!"

Jeez ... and they were attacking Obama for trying to teach kids how to keep from being sexually exploited/molested by teaching them how to recognize danger ... but have a Repuke dress up with the name "Poon" for a kids thing ... well, that's fine kiddie entertainment!

Hopefully, your child and mine will be growing up in a better America starting this January.

Obamamatic for the people!!!

Of course we know that just about every discussion forum online now ends up getting at least a little political, even if it isn't politically oriented. However, I have been surprised by the hard-core conservatives I've seen on slashdot, which had a tradition of staying away from politics (technically it still does, though some members are quite vocal).


One slashdot member deserves special mention as a conservative idiot. This user has a journal that is filled almost exclusively with conservative propaganda, often fueled by unscrupulous blogs or right-wing "news" sites like world nut daily. This idiot is the type who likes to use Obama's middle name as if it was somehow of great importance, and has taken to using the oh-so-creative nickname of "obamunists" to simultaneously show his ignorance towards both Obama and communism.


As the hit parade continues, we see a very outdated reference to the already-debunked birth certificate issue, one accusation of fascism, another, poorly-built, accusation of fascism, oops, yet more baseless allegations of fascism, just to name a few from the past weeks.


But the real icing on the idiot cake came today. The same idiot delivered - albeit of course very poorly - an allegation of Nazism. Obviously Godwin's law comes into effect here.


However, someone already tore that argument down and showed him why it holds less water than a screen door. Though feel free to join in and point out some of the many, many, factual inaccuracies in the "nazi" allegations.