AlterNet: Should You Stay Together for the Kids? Hell No!

Should You Stay Together for the Kids? Hell No!

By Lara Riscol, AlterNet. Posted January 19, 2010.

Choose the pursuit of happiness instead. For yourself, and for your child.




Editor's note: The following piece was published in Taking Sides: Clashing Views in Family and Personal Relationships.


“Maybe it would’ve been better if I could’ve kept us together?” my mother-in-law blurted after a couple glasses of wine about her ex and father of my husband. “I just can’t help but wonder if I should’ve done more.”

Would’ve, could’ve, should’ve? At some turn we all wonder what might be different if only…. Especially when it comes to our babies, we want to do what’s best. But as Republicans said during the 2008 presidential campaign of their VP pick’s teenaged daughter in the family way, life happens. And it doesn’t always mesh with how we see things ought to be. Despite Bristol Palin’s vow to “do the right thing” by choosing motherhood and marrying the dad, she and Levi Johnston split with their baby just weeks old, becoming another notch in America’s rising rates of teen pregnancy and record 40% births out of wedlock.

Life happens, often contradicting our box of shoulds or the latest stats. Still after doing the whole “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage,” many unhappy couples face a crossroads they never dreamed of traversing. Which is what makes so charged the political—as in today’s flush national marriage movement to get or keep parents hitched—and personal decision for couples to stay together, or not, for the sake of their kids.

It depends. Who are you? Where do you come from? What do you value? What’s unhappy and when does it bleed from disillusionment to hopelessness to your own private hell? How real are your choices? .............(more)

The complete piece is at: http://www.alternet.org/sex/145141/should_you_stay_together_for_the_kids_hell_no!

When I divorced my first wife, it was one of the saddest days of my life. After 25 yrs together, seeing it all end was sad, but necessary. That was 15 yrs ago. Today, we are just one big extended family. My wife and ex get along just fine, we are all happy. My ex inlaws still treat me like a son-in-law, and my ex is invited to family functions, as well.

The trick, I suppose, is that I married a marriage counselor! A woman who knew it wasn't about us, but about the kids. I supported the kids from day one, and still do. I have put one through college, MBA, and the other is a senior in high school now. I made sure they had everything they needed to succeed, and still do. The youngest came to my house everyday for tutoring until this year. She finally made it to the point she could handle the schoolwork herself (proud dad here)!

I still talk to the ex every week. We managed to raise our kids together, despite being divorced. Of course, none of this would have been possible without my having chose a wonderful woman to marry.

My brother divorced after 2o yrs of marriage, and he still dates his ex occasionally, but they haven't lived together for 10 yrs or so. She is also invited to family functions and is still treated as part of the family (he had 2 daughters, too). He remains single and happy.

There are situations where staying together may be best. There are no set rules when it comes to divorce because of the different types and personalities of people. But, one can divorce and still stay in their kid's lives if they chose to. I am a prime example.

they, like most "conservatives", want the government to intrude on one of the most personal of all decisions.

together.