God, I Love a Parade

God, I Love a Parade
By David Glenn Cox (Author)



It's official, Orwellian nonspeak is now the established political language of the nation. Why, it should be a mandatory requirement for all incoming high school freshmen. Johnny, why weren’t you in class yesterday? “I was dealing with overwhelming environmental pressures that precluded my ability to attend,” meaning it was a nice day and I didn’t want to go to school.

Ben Bernanke, the nation's highest ranking non-elected official, was interviewed by Sam Donaldson for ABC. He said the U.S. recovery probably won’t quickly bring down the unemployment rate, which is likely to stay “high for a while.” Oh, where should I start?

There is no recovery, only an illusion of recovery. You can shock the heart and pump the chest full of shots of adrenaline but it doesn’t mean that the victim is going to get up off the table and walk away any time soon. It only means that the body is being manipulated. Free money and government purchases of bad assets do not a recovery make.

Bernanke said, “The unemployment rate is still going to be high for a while, and that means that a lot of people are going to be under financial stress.” The only one high for awhile is Bernanke; this is nothing more than Orwellian nonspeak for, “Beats the hell out of me!” See, you’re not hungry or unable to properly take care of your children or to find a job. You’re just under financial stress much in the same way the Titanic victims were under water stress.

“This is your captain speaking. Due to an unanticipated maintenance failure in both engines we will now begin accelerated landing procedures.”

Just think how much better the world will be when we are all allowed to lie with grace and style. “Now, now, Cynthia, I’m not breaking up with you. We’ll still be together; you just won’t see or hear from me anymore.”

“Given the depth of the recession, the recovery is moderate paced.”

And they ran Nixon out of town. Today he would be forced to sit at the children’s table, unfit to sit at the big table with the grown-up top quality liars. So let's take Bernanke’s statement and translate it into Simpsonese.

The Homer translation: “Economy bad, we’re doing good!”

Depth of the recession? How deep is deep? How deep is the ocean?

“The recovery is moderate paced.” Moderate paced like Mike Dukakis? Moderate paced like a Ford Escort?

“Your horse just finished last in the Kentucky Derby. How do you explain that?”

Moderate paced.

“Fed Bank of Chicago President Charles Evans said today that monetary policy is, appropriately, very accommodative and that consumer spending will grow and inflation will be stable."

The Homer translation: Give away free money to the banks because they’re friends of Mr. Burns and everything will be great because they don’t want to put the banks under financial stress because Mr. Burns wouldn’t like it.

“The jobless rate, which fell to 9.7 percent last month from 9.9 percent, was 4.6 percent at the start of the financial crisis in August 2007," said Allen Sinai, chief global economist at Decision Economics in New York.

“And so the unemployment rate stays - I think Bernanke has it right,” said Sinai. “The unemployment rate is going to stay 9.5 to 10 percent. We are not going to generate a lot of jobs.”

Bernanke has what right? Bernanke talks in euphemisms and in circles. His policy, in unadulterated old speak, is to refinance the banks at zero percent interest until either the economy improves or the bank vaults are so full they burst.

“While the Fed will raise interest rates from a record low before the economy returns to full employment,” Bernanke said, "officials don’t know when that process will start. The banking system isn’t fully healthy and lenders are cautious in providing credit," he said.

Sometime, say, between now and whenever Barney Gumble decides to leave Moe’s Tavern for good.

“Fed Governor Elizabeth Duke said today that consumers will reengage slowly as confidence, income, and balance sheets strengthen.”

Yeah, you know us consumers, always staying up nights worrying about balance sheets.

“Consumers will reengage slowly,” meaning consumers have no money.

“We have right now a very accommodative, very easy monetary policy,” Bernanke said. “We can’t wait until unemployment is where we’d like it to be or inflation gets out of control to tighten credit," he said.

What Bernanke is saying is that times are hard so we must smooth the path for the banking industry. He can’t wait for unemployment to be where he wants it to be, because he doesn’t give a fat rat’s ass about your financial stress. He works for the banking industry.

“The June 4 Labor Department report shows we are still in a jobless recovery.”

Which means no recovery.

Marie Antoinette to King Louis the XVI, “Is this a peasant revolt?”

“No, the peasants are merely in an anti-incumbency mood.”

Bernanke spoke about the financial reform legislation meandering its way through Congress. “A pretty sensible approach and the many pieces fit together.” I’d say considering that it puts the much touted Office of Consumer Protection for the people of the United States under the control of unelected members of the Federal Reserve, that is a massive understatement on Bernanke’s part, to say the least.

The Fed chief said he wouldn’t "support completely breaking off banks’ proprietary trading under the so-called Volcker rule. Even so, as one of the regulators we’ll certainly work with our colleagues to try to make it operational under the law.”

Stop the banks from trading in stocks bought with other people’s money? Oh, heavens protect us!

“As one of the regulators we’ll certainly work with our colleagues to try to make it operational under the law,” or, try and make us.

Bernanke uses antonyms to say the opposite of what he actually means. By operational he’s saying they will try to make operational, but since he doesn’t actually support it and he works for a private corporation and can’t be fired by anyone except the members of that private corporation, he means don’t hold your breath, Bubba.

Imagine you work from nine to five, Monday through Friday, where you prognosticate the financial future with a dartboard and by doing whatever is good for your banking friends. The trickiest part of the whole job is learning to speak but not to ever to say anything. Or, I am concerned that due to long term forecasting there is a distinct possibility of economic intestinal damage due to repeated penetrations of your nether regions by foreign objects.

Two lemmings were in the meadow eating sweet grass as thousands of other lemmings paraded by. “Where’s everyone going?” one little lemming asked.

The marchers answered, “Our leaders say if we all parade with them to the cliff that they will teach us all how to fly!”

The little lemming answered, “I don’t care much about flying, but God, I love a parade!”

is as fine a roast as I have ever prepared in a culinary way, which I'm proud to say, I have a pretty decent rep for. You cooked that goose well, my compliments.

I rec'd your post, but some nasty ostrich got here first and left an egg.

Well done.

IMHO.