US Military Announces Draft of God

The Pentagon today announced an immediate draft of all beings fit for military duty of age 3,000 and older.

Certain to be selected by the draft board is Jehovah, who, being in existence independent of Time, will always be chosen by any birth date lottery. In Iraq, General Kimmit commented "It's often been rumored that God is on our side, and I'm now pleased to say that is confirmed. His extensive experience of smiting cities in the Middle East is sure to come in handy." Asked about rumors that God the Father not only co-habited, but co-existed, with the same sex Son, and a Holy Spirit of indeterminate gender, he replied "our motto remains 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'."

It also appears that Shiva, the Hindu god of destruction, will join the US military. Secretary of State Colin Powell clarified "Though Jehovah's omnipresence clearly marks Him as a US citizen, the current nationality of Shiva is a little more uncertain. Whilst of Indian origin, as a god he too has a claim to be present throughout the world, and combined with the significant recognition of him in the USA these days, we think he's one of ours. In any case, we'll be glad to offer him full US citizenship at the end of this - if that hasn't been the end of the entire world, of course."

Explaining the decision, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said "We need a fresh infusion of fighting capacity in Iraq and Afghanistan. Our demographic research revealed that omnipresent immortal beings would fit the bill perfectly. At first, it was suggested by some of my staff that setting the lower age limit at 2,000 years old would give us the option of drafting Jesus and Buddha as well. But that age cohort shows disturbing pacifist tendencies. Anyway, this idea fits in with my preference for a leaner, meaner military. Will we make use of God's Omnipresence to occupy further countries in the Axis of Evil? You bet. Have we already? In a sense, yes. Is an omniscient being able to pose a question he himself cannot answer? No. Or Yes."

Unlikely to be indicted into the armed forces are the ancient European deities Zeus and Odin. Attorney General John Ashcroft make clear that the uncertainty of the continued existence of both Lords of Creation made them unreliable allies in his eyes. "In fact, Zeus often went by the alias of Jupiter, and Odin was also known as Wodin or Wotan. This highly suspicious behavior has already led to them being watched by my operatives, and their attempt to go underground by not being believed in anymore hasn't fooled us. The next time Zeus checks out a library book, we'll have him - we're watching the Greek language section everywhere. Odin, being pre-literate, poses more of a problem, but many agents have volunteered to go under cover at all Nordic and Germanic beer festivals, so it's only a matter of time. May God bless them for sacrificing their purity in such a selfless way."

President Bush's only comment was "Yee-hah! Now I get to order God around, instead of pretending to listen to Him. You never had that, did you, Papa?"

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