Say - what if Ann Coulter "crossed over"

and wrote about the Republican Convention with her unique, um, style? Keeping in mind her splendid use of language and grammatical correctness (I kept it in its "natural" form, even though it drove my spell-checker nuts), and using her brilliant USA Today-deleted screed as a form I've decided it may look a little something like this:



Here at the Spawn of Satan convention in New York, liberals are deploying a series of covert signals to identify one another, much like gay men do. My allies are the ones reading non-fiction books or carrying college diplomas. The people sporting shirts emblazoned with the "F-word" are my opponents. Also, as always, the pretty girls and cops are on my side, most of them barely able to conceal their eye rolling.

Republicans are constantly suing and slandering trial lawyers as violent, fascist racists -- with the exception of those on their side, who'll be lauded as national heroes right up until the Republicans pack up and leave town on Friday, whereupon they'll revert to their natural state of being fascist, racist pigs.

A speaker at the Republican National Convention this year, Arnold Schwarzenegger, was accused by white women of sexually assaulting and groping them in 1987, and ‘88, and ‘89, and, well, you get the picture - charges that led to him becoming a steroid infested gargoyle, a movie star, and Governor of California. Eventually, they will lead him and his attorney to an out of court settlement. Arnold can talk to Rush, or Tom, or any of the plethora of other Republicans currently riding around with trial lawyers attached at the hip. So it’s a real mystery why attorneys wouldn’t like Republicans.

As for the pretty girls, I can only guess that it’s because conservative boys never try to make a move on you without Karl Rove’s approval. Plus, it’s no fun riding around in those I-own-the-road armored personnel carriers. My pretty-girl allies stick out like a sore thumb amongst the corn-fed, Katherine Harris apply your make-up with a trowel, padded bra wearing, size 12 figures in size 6 dresses, fur-wearing, hirsute, dunked in fragrance preppy chick moose herds they call "women" at the Republican National Convention.

Apparently, the nuts at the Republican National Convention are going to be put on bicycles on stage inside the convention hall. Sadly, they won't be racing to the death as is done in modern France. They're calling this the "speaker’s area," although I suppose a better name would be the "truth-free zone".

I thought this was a great idea until I realized the “nut” category did not include Newt Gingrich, George Bush, Dick Cheney, or Sean Hannity -- all featured guests at the convention. I’d say the actual policy is only untelegenic nuts get the cages, but little Tom Delay is speaking at the Convention, too. So it must be bicycles for “nuts that should never never ever run for president as serious candidates of the Republican Party.”

Looking at the line-up of speakers at the Convention, I have developed the 7-11 challenge: I will quit making fun of, for example, George Bush, if he can prove he can run a 7-11 properly for 8 hours. We’ll even let him have an hour or so of preparation before we open up. Within 8 hours, the money will be gone, the store will be empty, and he’ll be explaining how three 11-year olds with a goat came in and asked for the money and he gave it to them, once he knew their daddies were Pioneers.

For 30 years, the Republicans wouldn’t let George W, Bush within 100 miles of a prosperous business. The fact that Bush is now their most respectable leader tells you where that party is today. Maybe they just want to remind Americans who got us into this Middle East mess in the first place. We’ve got millions of fanatical Muslims trying to slaughter Americans while shouting “Allah Akbar!” Yeah, let’s turn the nation over to these guys.

With any luck, Limbaugh will uncork his speech comparing Abu Graib to a fraternity prank. Just a few weeks ago, Commander Dimwit gave a speech praising the Bush administrations deployment of “digital Brown Shirts” to intimidate journalists and pressure the media into writing good things about Bush -- in case you were wondering where all those glowing articles about Bush were coming from.

The last former government official to slake his thirst so deeply with the kool-aid and become a far-right wacko was Dick Nixon and it took him a few years to really blossom. Karl must have done some number on George. Then again, with his yen for earth tones on his bicycle clothes, maybe George’s references to “Brown Shirts” were intended as a compliment.

Only one major news source – Air America Radio – refused to follow Bush’s “Brown Shirt” edict, though a Bush campaign spokesman's statement quoting the "Brown Shirt" line made it into every last sentence of a Washington Times article. The New York Post responded with an article criticizing Democrats for using Nazi imagery. Republicans call Democrats Nazis, the Democrats quote the Republicans for calling Democrats Nazis and “both” are using Nazi imagery. (It’s a (bi)cycle of violence!)

The nuts on the bicycles are virtual Bertrand Russells compared to the official speakers at the Republican Convention. On the basis of their placards, I gather the bicycle-nut position is that they love the troops so much, they don’t want them to get hurt defending America from gay marriage. “Support the troops,” the signs say, “but keep them hetero.”

That’s my new position on all government workers, except the 5% who I’m not bonking on a regular basis, which is to say cops, prosecutors, firemen and U.S. servicemen. I love bureaucrats at the National Endowment of the Arts funding crucifixes submerged in urine so much -- I think they should go straight. I love public school teachers punishing any mention of God and banning Christmas songs so much -- I think they should go straight.

Walking back from the convention site I chatted with a normal New Yorker for several blocks -- who must have identified me through our covert system of signals. He was mostly bemused by the Republicans primetime speakers and told me he used to be an independent, but for the last 20 years found himself voting mostly Democratic. Then he corrected himself and said he votes for the “American.”

I’d say I love all these Republicans in New York so much I want them to go home, but I don’t. I want Americans to get a good long look at the Potty Party and keep the 7-11 challenge in mind.

When you said crossed over, I assumed you meant to the human race :)

And while we're at it, will you take Lynn Cheney? I don't want her in my gender club either. :)

I was thinking the same thing

she was crossing over to the loony bin

I'd have to say your impersonation is spot on.

Bryant
Check it out --> http://politicalcomment.blogspot.com

As compared to whatever she is now

;)

:) :) :) :)

...can I put a couple of banannas in her tailpipe? :evilgrin: