George Bush Vitae

Education
School: I attended Andover Academy in Massachusetts, where my extracurricular activities included cheerleading.
College: I earned the Gentleman's C at Yale and joined the Skull and Bones fraternity.
Graduate school: After being rejected by the University of Texas Law School, I received an MBA from Harvard.

Family
My family has a long history in America. We are what you call "old money."

My great-grandfather was Samuel Bush. He ran a foundry that made steel railroad parts for the Harriman family. He also dealt a lot of arms. The documents at the National Archives detailing his ties to the military-industrial complex were destroyed to "conserve space."

My grandfather was Prescott Bush. He was a banker. He worked at a great bank called the Union Bank. The liberal Democrats confiscated all of his assets during World War II. Somehow they thought there's something wrong with lending money to Adolf Hitler.

My father was George Bush. My father served as a fighter pilot in World War II. He had to bail out of his airplane after it had been shot. He later became the director of the CIA. The liberal Democrat Jimmy Carter fired my dad because he said he wasn't a very good CIA director. Later he was vice-president to our greatest president, and then he was president himself. Now he works for a generous, altruistic, peace-loving company called the Carlyle Group, which makes bombs and artillery.

My wife is Laura Bush. She only killed one person, but that's because she was very young and hadn't had any practice yet. Her favorite hobby is tearing the upholstery off the couch and the curtains off the windows, then making dresses for state dinners out of them.

My daughters are Jenna and Barbara. They're both college graduates. They used to be in the National Enquirer, but after Osama bin Laden sent anthrax to the Enquirer's office, the editor decided to be a patriotic American and go back to writing about Hillary Clinton's four-assed alien love child.

Business Experience
I was CEO of an oil company called Arbusto, which is Spanish for Bush. It went bankrupt because it couldn't find any oil.

Arbusto was purchased by another oil company called Spectrum 7, which went bankrupt because it couldn't find any oil.

Arbusto was purchased by Harken Oil. I sold my shares and left just before it went bankrupt because it couldn't find any oil. Since there is obviously no oil in Texas, I decided that when I became President I would allow them to drill for oil in the Alaskan wilderness, where there is so much oil we'll never run out.

I bought into the Texas Rangers baseball team and became its president. We used eminent domain abuses and a heavy tax increase to build our ballpark. The Rangers
stayed in the cellar the entire time I was its president. When I sold my shares and left the team, the proceeds funded my entry into politics.

Military
I was draft age during the Vietnam War. My keen strategic sense told me the Rio Grande River was the key terrain during that conflict, so I bravely volunteered for service in the Texas Air National Guard. Even though the pastry chef had better test scores than I did, my recruiter sensed the natural military leadership coursing through my veins and forced me to become a lieutenant and an F-104 pilot without allowing me to attend basic training or officer candidate school. He also forced me to join immediately, without waiting two years like the rest of the men who had applied.

My initial commitment was for six years, but when I had made the Rio Grande safe for democracy I stopped attending meetings, stopped taking flight physicals and threw away all of my uniforms. No one said anything to me, so I assumed it was all right.

Political Accomplishments
My first campaign was for the US House of Representatives. Unfortunately for me, they decided to count the votes in that election and I lost to a liberal Democrat. I later learned to run a positive campaign and was elected to the office of Texas governor.

The governor of Texas has three jobs: vetoing bills written by liberal Democrats, signing death warrants and posing for photographs with Little League teams. I did all three very well. I liked signing death warrants the best. I signed so many they put me in the Guinness Book of World Records for it. No other American president is in the Guinness Book of World Records. Sometimes I'd even tell funny stories about the people I sentenced to death. And I am proud to say I never spent more than fifteen minutes reviewing a death sentence; I figure it's not my fault if they can't afford to hire lawyers who can stay awake during their trials. While I was governor, I passed so many tax cuts Texas was the first state I was able to bankrupt after I went to Washington.

Accomplishments as US President
I increased the federal debt ceiling four times after claiming that tax cuts would make a strong economy better.
I started a war against Iraq using falsified intelligence.
I sent $43 million dollars to the Taliban three months before declaring war on them.
I managed to bankrupt all fifty states.
I have reduced American education to "teaching the test."

References
Kenneth Lay, CEO, Enron
Prince Bandar, House of Saud
Osama bin Laden, CEO, al-Qaeda Terrorist Organization
Mark Jones, Manager of Full Truckload Sales, Jack Daniel Distillery
Morton Smith, Bartender, Sam's Bar and Grill
Jason Martin, Breathalyzer Operator, Kennebunkport Police Department

Residence
10,000-square-foot ranch on 2.5 square miles of flat shrubland outside of Crawford, Texas. House was completed on Election Day 2000.

Personal

I have a $3000 mountain bike I like to ride on my flat ranch. There is something wrong with it because I keep falling off it.

I also have a Segway Human Transporter. There's something wrong with it too.

I have an allergy to pretzels; when I eat them I pass out and hit my head on the coffee table.

My favorite books are "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" and "The Pet Goat."


Please remember my record if I let you go vote for me on November 2.

You reckon he'll give Dub a good recommendation?:eyes:

B-)