Bush Calls Iraqi People "Ungrateful" (satire)

Bush Calls Iraqi People 'Ungrateful'
09/27/04 SUNNI TRIANGLE, Iraq

President Bush further inflamed the Muslim world this morning when he called the people of Iraq "ungrateful" and suggested that they "aren't trying hard enough" to build a democracy.

"If the people of Iraq would just set their alarm clocks a little earlier, and work just a little bit harder, and go to church every Sunday," Bush insisted, "and maybe use a little less oil--you know, make a few sacrifices--their country might not be falling apart like it is."

Reminded that most Iraqis are Muslims, not Christians, Bush corrected himself. "Yeah, right. Make that, go to temple every Sunday."

The president also complained about the brutal beheadings that have become common in the Iraqi capital of Baghdad. "I'm tired of seeing these Americans, and other members of our collusion of the willing, held hostel in those orange jump suits.

"Those orange jump suits are exactly the same as the ones we use in Abu Grabby in Iraq and at Montego Bay in Cuba. Do you realize what that means?

"That means those orange jump suits are ours! The savages stole 'em, straight from the American taxpayer."

But Bush saved his harshest criticism for the children of Iraq, whom he accused of misunderstanding the basic tenets of democracy.

"What the hell do they do all day in school?" the president wondered. "Haven't they ever heard of the first ten commandments in the Bill O'Reilly of the USS Constitution?

"My message to the children in the streets of Iraq," Mr. Bush concluded, "is this: first, democracy is just around the corner, so go ahead, turn that corner. Though you may wanna send someone else first, just in case.

"And second, as us oil barons know, where there's oil, there's opportunity. So go get that oil, kids.

"Unless it's on fire, of course. Then you should probably just leave it alone."