Bush to unveil plan to privatize money during inaugural speech

Bush to unveil plan to privatize money during inaugural speech

President Bush will announce a plan to privatize the U.S. currency supply, as part of his inaugural speech on January 20, sources close to the White House disclosed tonight. Citing numerous studies showing that "public production and distribution of money has resulted in trillions of dollars being lost to the public," Bush will promote a plan to privatize the entire U.S. currency supply, gradually phasing in the new, private currency over the next four years.

Bush will recommend that the $1 bill be discontinued, because "You can't get a damn thing for a dollar any more anyway." Bush will display a giant, novelty-size mock-up of the new currency, displaying a profile of Karl Rove in the center and "The United States of Coca-Cola" across the top. Bush will assert that "dollar amounts are so 'fluctulant'" that they will no longer be used on the new currency.

Instead, the new denominations will include a bill designed for minimum-wage workers, the "One Hour" bill, and will be redeemable at any Wal-Mart for a pack of cigarettes and a 20-ounce Coke (or, at the customer's option, a 12-ounce can of Pepsi). Also available will be the new "One gallon" bill, redeemable at any Texaco station for one gallon of 87-octane gas (or 92-octane if you can provide a photocopy of your ballot proving you voted for Bush).

In a nod to the religious right, the new Bush currency will even include a $3 bill that will be restricted to gay and lesbian bearers, so that these customers will be easy to identify and be refused service to in restaurants such as "White Trash Cookin' Done Right" in Diarrhea, Alabama. A special "Kool Menthol" bill will be distributed primarily in African-American neighborhoods, so that "good white folks in gate-guarded communities won't have to touch the same paper that might have, ummm."

Bush also hopes to promote his new "Social Security" bill, which initially starts out at the printed face value, but then decreases in value by 1% every month beginning in 2015. Future editions of the new currency include a stunning "-$7 trillion" dollar bill, which won't actually be printed until our grandchildren's grandchildren reach taxpaying age.