The Neocon-man Gospel of Jesus Christ

The new Neocon-man translation of the Bible is necessary because some old immoral liberal translations do not make clear the true meaning of the scripture. This new translation should become a wonderful tool for teaching the true wingnut will of God.

Here are some examples of how this marvelous new Neocon-man translation makes clear the original intent of God to endorse rightwing American Republicans as God's Own Party (GOP) that should rule the world.

On public prayer

Matthew 6:5-6

Evil old liberal version ("lib"): And when you pray, you shall not be like the hypocrites. For they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the corners of the streets, that they may be seen by men... But you, when you pray, go into your room and ... pray to your Father who is in the secret place.

New neocon-man version ("con"): And when you pray, pray loudly and ostentatiously in the churches, on the streets, in the stadiums, on television, in schools, in the House, in the Senate, in the courts (especially in the courts), at every kind of sporting event (except wimpy, un-American sports like badminton or chess). Pray publicly, loudly, and often, and force all who are present to pray your prayers to your God along with you, so that all may know that you are righteous like the Pharisees and hypocrites.

On judging

Luke 6:37-38

Lib: Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven... For with the same measure that you use it will be measured back to you.

Con: Judge and condemn, condemn and judge. Whoever you condemn, I will also condemn. For with the same measure that you condemn others, I will reward you.

For us or against us

Mark 9:39-40

Lib: Jesus said... "He who is not against us is on our side."

Con: George said, "Whoever is not for us is against us."

The Beatitudes

Matthew 5:1-12

Lib: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
...
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

Con: Blessed are the rich, for they shall have access to the seats of power.
Blessed are the chickenhawk Congressmen whose children do not go to war, for they shall not mourn.
Blessed are the greedy, for they shall receive tax breaks, no-bid contracts, and corporate welfare.
...
Blessed are the war-mongers, for they shall be called patriots and shall receive ribbon magnets for their cars. But cursed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called unpatriotic un-American cowards.

The Good Samaritan

Luke 10:29-37

Lib: (A man asked,) "Who is my neighbor?" Then Jesus answered and said: "A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, who stripped him of his clothing, wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead... A priest came down that road. And when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. Likewise a Levite... passed by on the other side. But a certain Samaritan...had compassion on him (and helped him in various ways)... So which of these three do you think was neighbor to him who fell among the thieves?" And he said, "He who showed mercy on him." Then Jesus said to him, "Go and do likewise."

Con: (A man asked,) "Who is my neighbor?" Then Jesus answered and said: "Some men went off to war in Viet Nam, and Agent Orange fell upon some and made them permanently sick. Explosives blew off some of their arms and legs. And when they came back, some were sick, and penniless, and homeless, and some others ran for office. Some politicians came by and ignored them all. Congress came by and reduced VA healthcare, and made it impossible to sue for damages, and made it impossible even to gain relief in bankruptcy. Other politicians came by and called them lazy and called others unpatriotic and traitors. And when liberals had compassion and tried to restore their VA benefits or to provide healthcare to the sick and help to the poor, these same politicians called them evil and anti-Christian and unpatriotic... So which of these do you think was neighbor to the Viet Nam vets?" And he said, "Those who told them that they should pull themselves up by their bootstraps and should never question a war-mongering president." Then Jesus said to him, "Go and do likewise."

No one knows the day or hour

Matthew 24:36

Lib: But of that day and hour (of the second coming) no one knows, no, not even the angels of heaven.

Con: Buy our books that tell you how to determine the day and hour. Pick a verse here and a verse there and make up a fantasy of how they fit together. Pick a story about the Roman Empire and pretend that it means a non-Roman non-Empire of today, and you too can know what even the angels of heaven don't know.

Love your enemies

Matthew 5: 43-44

Lib: You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies, ... do good to those who hate you.

Con: You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' And I say to you, if those who agree with you kill judges and doctors and gays that you hate, who are you to question that? It's easy to understand that they would kill those whom they hate. Whoever you hate, I hate also. And you know that I hate fags. Do no good to those that you hate.

of Christ and making the concept of pre-emptive strikes possible.

The "Conservative" Sermon On The Mount


Blessed are the rich for all good things trickle down from them. Cursed are the poor for poverty results from their moral failings. Blessed are the war makers for they keep freedom on the march. Cursed are the peacemakers for they shall be called appeasers. Blessed are those who inflict harsh punishments for they maintain law and order. Cursed are those who forgive for they shall be called soft on crime. Blessed are those who pray loudly standing in the churches and on the corners sounding the trumpet before them. Cursed are those who shut the closet door and pray in secret for their prayers are not heard. Blessed are those who cast the first stone for the sake of sexual morality for that is the only morality that matters. Cursed are those who see sexuality as a private matter for marriage must be defended against them.

Nominating...!

:applause: got my vote.

That's exactly how the cons distort the Bible, and those who have no knowledge of the Word, are very easily fooled.

You couldn't have hit the nail on the head any better than that....

Thanks for sharing...

:toast:

...ya might even call it the 'New King George Version'

Certainly it constitues a new version. Twisted and perverse, indeed, and maybe not wholly new, but the two versions are totally different.

Why do they hate Jesus? If they really loved him, they wouldn't try to twist his words around, now would they?

:scared:

I'm an atheist, yet I am forced to constantly remind Christians to read basically all of Matthew 6. They don't follow ANY of what that chapter says to do.

Great stuff.

but I couldn't find it. I couldn't remember the exact words used.

wouldn't the world be a better place if they were true Christians instead of bastardizing the religion and using their ugly version as their right to judge, steal, maim and kill.

My sig line fits in this thread too, I didn't write it and don't know who to attribute it to either. Maybe the author can take a bow here.

:applause::woohoo::applause:

Did you write this yourself? I'm impressed. :)

I wrote all except (obviously) what I quoted from the New King James (not to be confused with New King George :) ) version of the Bible.

http://www.wvgazettemail.com/section/Commentary/2004100919

Gospel of George Bush

And he taught them, saying:


1. Blessed are the rich, for they have more than they need and still they take with such joy.

2. Blessed are those who mourn, for their numbers shall multiply.

3. Blessed are the meek, especially the liberals, for they will not stand up to me.

4. Blessed are those who hunger for righteousness, for they may wish in one hand and spit in the other and see which one fills the fastest.

5. Blessed are those who are not merciful, for they shall laugh upon those without health insurance.

6. Blessed are the pure in ideology, for they shall promote religious fascism.

7. Blessed are the warmongers, for they shall control the world’s resources.

8. Blessed are those who persecute, for they shall trample upon the First Amendment.

9. Blessed are you when you are an abject failure, yet people still think you’re doing a fine job.

10. Blessed are you when you base your policies upon a fundamentalist interpretation of scripture. You violate the consciences of millions of Americans. But they’re going to Hell anyway.

11. Blessed are the undecided and those who don’t vote, for you allow me to get away with murder.

12. Blessed are the Americans, for God loves us better than anyone else.

13. Jesus said, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” But I tell you, do unto others before they do unto you. And be sure to use cluster bombs.

14. If you are offering your gift at the altar, and then remember that your brother has something against you, have your friends run as many untruthful TV ads as they can. And do not fear to lie, for if you do it often enough, you shall be believed.

15. And if anyone oppose you, yea even if they wear an insulting T-shirt, shake the dust of your shoes in their face, have them arrested, fire them from their job and confine them in a pen called a free speech zone where they may enjoy their freedom in security. Also make certain your friends in the TV media ignore their point of view.

16. Jesus said, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” But I say that is ridiculous, for it means I’m as bad as those awful homosexuals.

Jesus didn’t say anything about them. Perhaps that’s a gap in the record, like my National Guard service.

17. Jesus said if anyone would sue you and take your coat, let him have your cloak as well. But I say to you, tell the lazy bum to get three minimum wage jobs. That’s why we have three shifts.

18. Lay up your treasures on earth, for if you have a lot, you will be eligible for a big tax cut. And I shall let you keep your money for your own benefit, not give it to a bunch of stupid old people on Social Security. I may even figure out a way you can take your treasure to heaven with you, if Dick Cheney tells me what it is.

19. Jesus said, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” (Do you ever wonder if Jesus was smoking some of that stuff I got hold of back in the 70s?) But I say, “Bring ‘em on!” Bring on all the Arabs and the U.N. and the cowardly French and Germans and Russians and the Canadians and the wimpy liberals and even the New York Yankees! Who cares if they hate us as long as they fear us! Veni, vidi, vici! (Bet you didn’t think I know Latin.)

20. You, therefore, must be perfect, as I am perfect. As I said in a recent press conference, I can’t think of a single mistake I’ve made. And I thank my Father, who makes sure that no matter what I do, I get away with it.

Denise Giardina denise.giardina@verizon.net

But what's this? The fundies have Jeff Gannon running all around town and in the back bedroom of Bush's villa.

http://rawstory.com/exclusives/byrne/secret_service_gannon_424.htm

The secret service want the world to know about it too, fancy that.

them to every republican politician and to every church in America.

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Nominated.
Recommended.
Bookmarked.
Copied and Saved.

:yourock:

:kick:

...the tragicomic "Supply-Side Jesus":

http://www.buzzflash.com/contributors/03/09/17_franken.html

How could I have forgotten?