Pentagon illustration shows pigs (as described in Mark 5:12-13) are used to absorb incoming demons
http://www.bettybowers.com/newsdemons.html(WASHINGTON, D.C.) President Bush revealed today how he plans to allocate the money in Social Security's "unlocked box" not already used to pay for his recent taxpayer sweepstakes. The remaining Social Security funds will be used to build a multi-billion dollar National Demon Defense Shield that will protect Americans from the threat of foreign-launched incoming evil spirits. Mr. Bush's decision to back the controversial project came in response to the heartfelt Christian concern expressed by General Dynamics' Government Contracting division and feasibility studies by creation scientists at Reverend Falwell's Liberty University. "While many secular scientists scoff at the idea of intercepting Satan's demons," said Pat Robertson in response to the President's decision, "the technology is employed in the Bible, so it must work. And aren't these the same so-called 'scientists' who laughed at our $40-billion program to build mid-priced condominiums in whales?"
The National Demon Defense Shield found immediate support in both the evangelical Christian community and the secular defense industry, a demographic whose unflinching financial support almost allowed Mr. Bush to be elected president. "While our company is getting approximately $200 every year from every single American taxpayer, what is the satisfaction of protecting our citizens from the weapons of death outside of them from rogue states when we can't protect them from the couriers of death inside of them from Hell?" asked Christopher E. Kubasik, CFO for Lockheed Martin, when meeting last week with Mr. Bush and the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "We are talking, of course, about Satan's advanced demon technology, which is more of a strategic threat to national security than anything even those pet-eating North Koreans could come up with."
Since the Gospel of Mark teaches that Satan's demons are strangely attracted to pigs, the Demon Defense Shield will employ 1,200 decoy pigs that Lockheed Martin will construct for $7,800,000 each. Half of these high-technology swine will be shot into space to lure incoming demons away from America's atmosphere. The other half will be placed outside of Texaco gas stations in case demons that sneak through on land pop in for directions, soda or to use the bathroom.
Initial tests of the airborne pigs have resulted in twelve concussions, one death, and a virulent case of trichinosis, but no confirmed laser-guided exorcisms. These so-called mishaps, however, have not shaken the President's tenacious resolve to move forward with the expensive, Biblically-sound program. "That woman in Cincinnati, Mrs. Clairhopper," said President Bush, "who got smashed into the sidewalk by that four-ton titanium pig that dropped on her head from 97,000 feet was not a set-back for the program at all. For one thing that little piggy was insured. Unlike Mrs. Clairhopper. For another, the Department of Faith issued a memo that very afternoon to state that a mega-demon was almost certainly hiding in Mrs. Clairhopper's lower intestines, waiting for the light to change. Good thing we got him. I say, score a victory for our country's super-cool, neat-o technology. And a thank you to American hero Mrs. Clairhopper of Cincinnati, Ohio. God bless you."
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