I am so sad right now- my heart is breaking.

Can someone PLEASE tell me why the good people
are being called from the earth, while those who do
so much damage are left to flourish?
WHAT is that about anyway?
This has been one of the worst days of my life.
I am wracked with the guilt of "shoulda-coulda" today.
I have lost SO many beautiful people in the last few
years and NONE of it makes sense. Not in the least.
Thanks for letting me cry.
BHN

:hug:

Can we all just move to another planet now?
I am tired of this sad old world.
BHN

My best friend fighting and losing breast cancer-
My teacher and mentor of twenty years- gone.
My soul mate in the form of a black fur baby, gone.
My favorite cousin, pancreatic cancer, poof, gone.
My violinist, gone.
My guitarist, gone.
Favorite drummer, gone.
Spiritual male teacher, lung cancer, gone.
Spiritual Female teacher, lung cancer, gone.
THREE suicides of long time family friends- GONE.
Favorite singer friend, hep-c, GONE.

The list goes on and on.
I am so sick of loss.
I feel like I am losing it.
BHN

No wonder you feel like your losing it. I am so sorry - I wish there was something I could do to help you. Most people have those feelings if they lose even one person, YOU have lost more loved ones than anyone should ever have to experience. I am just so sorry.

and heartbroken. I'm so sorry for your losses. :hug: That's so unfair. :(

as well, though not as many as you have. I sought professional help when I realized that clinical depression had set in firmly as a result of tragedies in my life.

Please, if you can, do yourself a favor and talk with your doctor to see if he can help. No one of us should have to go it alone, regardless of how strong we might feel we are. Trust me--it still hurts, but the anti-depressants seem to help make me a little more tolerant of the pain and misery I've had to reckon with. It's not ideal, but it helps. And right now, any help at all is welcomed. At the very least think about it.

In the meantime, my heart goes out to you as someone who can surely relate. It's not easy to deal with a lot of that misery, but having people around you can help a lot.

Your love and caring is appreciated greatly.
I have sought help for grieving the avalache of
loss- I can not take anti-depressants however.
I had a very frightening ADR with Zoloft about
eight years ago, so I take alternative supplements that
have changed my life for the better.
I also have an EXCELLENT therapist who has helped
me tremendously.
Loss is an inevitable part of life, no doubt.
What is hard is when you experience so much
in such a short time.
What a blessing our DU community is-
the fact that so many people we have never met
are so willing to love us in the hard times.
Love to you and yours,
BHN

we got your back!

you are doing the right thing, though -- sharing.

we tend to look away from the end of life on this earth and it's not healthy. we're all gonna catch up with our lost ones, one day. keep them close, in your heart.

share your love. i can tell you have plenty in that broken heart of yours. you have touched us here today and we need that. thank you. :hug:

Every day, all the time, it goes on and on! You just want to say STOP, I want off NOW!

How has it come to this??? I'm no longer into organized religion preferring spirituality and other philosophies, but I can remember someone telling me once.... there will be wars and rumors of wars, and then!

I didn't believe it back then and actually still don't believe it, but as someone else posted here, MAYBE Satan has descended upon us!

Will there be redemption??? Hey Dude, some of us have been screaming from the bleachers, do we get a pass.... maybe???

But the principles of your post still apply.
I too have found myself floundering in what
I once considered a strong spiritual base.
Hard to make sense where none applies.
A harsh reminder about the nature of faith, I guess.
To believe where no evidence can be seen.
BHN

and a hand from above may smite me... the DUDE I was talking about was the man upstairs. I'm soooooo awful.

But Dudette, as I am, we are in agreement!

Cry away :pals:

I accept.
It is on days like this, that I am reminded
of the grace of DU in my life.
Your fellowship means more than you know today.
BHN

DU has been a godsend for me as well, the folks here have been nothing but great to me.

You pass it around whenever you can.

what?

I still have a wrapped Christmas package from
nearly three years ago that was intended for
my mentor/producer.
I was too "busy" to drop it off three days before he died.
Fuck me.
BHN

... to take that Christmas package to a lonely nursing home patient.

PERFECT.
Thank you.
We used to go there and play for the people who
lived there, and, it is right down the street from
his last palce of employment.
Perfect.
Just a perfect suggestion.
Thank you and love to you.
BHN

:loveya:

A good friend of mine who was very sick got me into an online crafting-for-charity group. I designed and made a bunch of knit hats for charity, for my family--and one for my friend. He liked it a lot and asked me to make him another one. I did, but never got around to mailing it. My friend died on Easter Sunday this year. Right now, the hat I made him but never got around to mailing is part of a group of six, waiting to be mailed to Ship Support in his memory.

Thank you for reminding me not to procrastinate again.

hour wondering when everyone will die. I felt some moments of that guilt, having neglected to keep in contact with my friend who just died. Last time I saw him was in March, and I wish I had spoken to him since then. But you really cannot beat yourself up like this over it.

weep with you, BHN. My mother says this is what happens when Satan is in the world...
I don't know if it's the devil, but something is very very wrong. At least remember, here, you are not alone.

Please say no.

:hug:

What happened? Does this have anything to do with London?

:hug:

an old song but it says alot,
Hope dies last, please keep hope in your heart and it will all make sense in the end........

...nor can I or anyone, the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God."

- Graham Greene

the definition of faith.
Thanks for the reminder.
As you know, I am struggling with it at the moment.
BHN

Listen to your gut. Do you think some omnipotent Being In The Sky would condone this or cause this?

I have a terribly hard time fathoming a God who would condone
such misery- and yet my life is centered on my faith in God.
The very definition of a conundrum, eh?
How does one reconcile faith with the contradicitons of
a sad, sad world, rife with tragedy and loss.
BHN

"Don't be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends."--Richard Bach; Illusions.

watching my friend struggle with breast cancer on the
heels of my cousin dying is just TOO MUCH.
I feel sick.
BHN

My mother died about 15 years ago. I wish she had lived a long life so that my son could know her. But in thinking about the awful things going on in the world in recent years, I realized that maybe she didn't deserve to have to suffer through more stuff than she already had suffered through. I want her to meet her grandson, but would I want her to have lived through 9-11? To have watched her country taken over through stolen elections? To see that we are headed toward more and more violence? No. She didn't deserve to have to live through all that.

Sometimes good, beautiful people have done their job, their fair share...and then they get to go home. TO some place more peaceful, more rational, more clear.

I am so sorry that you are suffering.

with another beloved DUer.
The only sense I can make of all of it is this:
The beautiful ones are being called home
to prepare the path for the rest of us.
Nothing else makes sense to me.
BHN

existed. As painful as it may be, there is little you, I or anyone else can do about it other than lean on each other and muddle through it as best we can. You and I both know that no matter how bad it gets, there is always that glimmer of light that shows through. It has nothing to do with "God" or religion or anything other than hope. Hope is where we sometimes have to go for strength.

As I type this, I have Beethoven's Ninth - Ode to Joy playing and a tear rolling down my cheek.

:hug: be strong and know that I and other DUers know what you're going through and are here for you.

Faure's Requim has been my favorite
since I first had the great gift to sing it under Roger Wagner
at the tender age of fourteen.
Little did I know it would be so applicable to the rest of my life.
Think I will spin a recording of it now.
BHN

my kid was recently hospitalised, for what only turned out to be a case of small pox.

Remembering the way i felt, my heart and stomach cramped in a knot, I can not even begin to fathom the depths of your sorrow.

I have no idea how to make this any easier on you, except to say that in loss you always feel how much you love what and who is left.

The only loss I have ever experienced convinced me that you have to live your life as if each second was the final one. And to never let the petty issues of every day come in the way of the Things that Matter.

But that was after a lot of crying.

I have never been more aware of the
little things in life that contain indescribable beauty.
My dog's eyelashes for instance.
Or the red dragonfly that hovers over my fountain
on a daily basis.
The sound of my daughters' voice singing along
to oldies station.
So much beauty, all so fragile.
BHN

it is like an advice to all who read any of your posts

I remember lying on a matress outside, with my loved one
feeling the wind rustle by
seeing the leaves moved by it
and the promise I'll NEVER forget
in our eyes without saying.

I am totally freaked right now, because I recognize
those words, but can not recall where from!
Please provide the source!
BHN

I don't read a lot of english except on here.

?

Did you just compose it?
Or is it from a text?
I swear I know it.
BHN

I know I'm a stranger, far away from you
but loss is inherent to life
and empathy unites


I think you read a lot, it shows.
All things have been said before.

every song has already been written, the note are just
hanging out in the cosmos waiting for a vessel.
and yes, I am an avid reader.
The majority of my inspiration as a musical artist comes
from short story writers-
It is all connected.
String theory and all that baby-
I swear I dreamed what you wrote.
I think Rumi also wrote it...
BHN

but happy to learn.

I had no idea who Rumi is, but now I do :
"You are broken-hearted too, you shall find cure in love;
If you listen to me and pursue this ailment"

I see where you're coming from.

Thanks.

:hug:

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, superficial relationships, so that you will live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression and exploitation of people so that you will work for justice, equality and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation and war, so that you will reach out your hand to comfort them and change their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with the foolishness to think that you can make a difference in the world, so that you will do the things which others tell you cannot be done.

- Author Unknown

http://www.inspirationpeak.com/prayers.html

I think of the people in London who kissed their
loved one's good-bye this morning, never to see them again.
I am so painfully aware of how fragile our lives and loves are.
Today has brought me to my knees as far as the awareness
that each moment with a loved one may be our last.
May we all learn to treasure each and every person
we love and are loved by.
BHN

This past month, two dogs here had a litter, and i've been
living with these 9 growing creatures. This after losing
3/4 of my close friends to deaths. And out of a doggie
came all these little squeakers, wet.


And they grow in to such characters in no time at all,
that i am totally overwhelmed by the power of life to
create beauty and joy.

And your post makes me remember all the dying.
And a thousand times i've cried until i felt like dry heaving,
like i wish i were dead too with those whom i love like my very soul.
That life is so terribly intensely poignant.

ancient beings, manifested to remind us
of uncondtional love-
that has certainly been my experience with them thus far.
BHN

So much loss. In so little time. In the microcosm and the macrocosm, it is never-ending.

Your username is a good reminder to all of us.

:hug:

-wildflower

On edit: There is a profound beauty in this thread. Recommending. (Editing again: I hope you don't mind my recommending it, BHN.)

I SO agree. I started reading it thinking it was about London, and I was immediately drawn in. I've been weeping and laughing and loving...My older beloved brother died 2 years ago in August. It was completely unexpected; he was so extraordinarily healthy; physically, psychologically and spiritually. And he was truly the kindest human being I've ever met. I can't tell you how often I've gone through the wondering why, the agonizing bargaining with God (Take me instead, I deserve it, the world needs someone like John, especially now) the initial denial, the regrets...all of it. I have sort of come to similar conclusions as you expressed above BHN, that the good go first because they've already given so much that their duty is complete, and they return home to God sooner--who knows, maybe even acting as our cheerleaders. God to me is infinite consciousness, love-intelligence.

Thanks all for your comments; it all helped me inadvertently. I'm nominating it too.

PS: I think it was Rumi (or maybe Omar Khayyam?)

Something about that which does not kill us, defines us?
I just had a wonderful conversation with my friend
who is fighting cancer-
Talk about perspective as far as what matters in this life.
You must be kidding- I have NEVER met anyone who
knows both Rumi AND Omar Khayyam.
Love prevails, no doubt.
You are proof.
An assurance from the universe you are, that all is well,
despite the illusion of this sad world.
HUGS-
BHN

and we will do them again. At least, we won't do them alone.

(((((((((((((((BHN)))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((DU)))))))))))))))))))))

And every other soul in this world.
Freeper trolls too- they probably need it more that anyone.
In the words of John Lennon,
"Love is the answer."
BHN

Look, to die young is not always the worst. We don't know, OK? I've been very bitter about some of my friends who died young. If it was drugs or suicide, OK, I have to accept that it was their choice. But I've had friend struck down with everything to live for, such as my 17 year old friend (I was 15) who died of encephalitis. And so many of my friends have died in their 50s. I do not really believe the claim that life expectancy is in the 70s for everyone. You have to pass through the "dangerous years" as I think of them. It is sad but...

The other side to it is that I have friends and relatives who are very old. Most people after a certain age have bad eyesight, bad hearing, can't sleep, are in constant pain. A great many of those near to me have suffered from forms of dementia. I would rather die young than live without a brain for 20 years. We don't know if those who died young were spared some terrible fate.

The Bible is hard for me sometimes. A small book I have read that comforts me on this theme -- and don't laugh, or hell do laugh if it makes you feel better -- is The Martian Time-Slip by Philip K. Dick (yeah, OK, the guy they write all the Science Fiction movies from, his work is deeper than that). Not to give away the story, but there can be a universe where a young boy is lost as a small child and leaves his suburban family in much grief, or there can be a universe where the child lives to be a very old man in great agony on machines for many many years. We don't know what those who go before us have been spared.

Courage. You are strong. Cry, grieve, and accept that you have been chosen to endure more than some of your loved ones because you are strong.

I do not know what else to say.

Be well. There are good things too about being the one chosen to stick it out. If we all duck out early, who's going to be here to call the bad guys out for their antics?

btw- ALL people die...it's been that way for a long time.

as long as the west continues to live in privelege on the backs of the oppressed masses(virtual and actual slave labor in asia, sucking the oil out of the middle east, etc...), terrorism will be a part of life.

call it a trade-off.

And I agree with you- terrorism will continue
to escalate as long as the neocons are in power.
I am just full of regret today about things in my
own back yard.
The attacks in London among other factors
have simply brought it all to a point of personal
reckoning.
Peace,
BHN

And I agree with you- terrorism will continue
to escalate as long as the neocons are in power.
I am just full of regret today about things in my
own back yard.
The attacks in London among other factors
have simply brought it all to a point of personal
reckoning.
Peace,
BHN

And I agree with you- terrorism will continue
to escalate as long as the neocons are in power.
I am just full of regret today about things in my
own back yard.
The attacks in London among other factors
have simply brought it all to a point of personal
reckoning.
Peace,
BHN

And I agree with you- terrorism will continue
to escalate as long as the neocons are in power.
I am just full of regret today about things in my
own back yard.
The attacks in London among other factors
have simply brought it all to a point of personal
reckoning.
Peace,
BHN

he was one of those good ones... and only 41. Makes no sense. Sorry for what you're going through right now. :hug:

I am so sorry about your loss too-
It doesn't make any sense does it?
when those so young, so good, leave so soon.
Are you guys coming tomorrow night?
I hope you can make it.
It would be so good to see you guys.
Love to you both,
BHN

And we'll let you know.... Love to you too!

I am heading down there early as to miss the traffic-
I was thinking we could have dinner before the talk-
should be an excellent evening, made more so by your company.
BHN

No longer mourn for me when I am dead
Then you shall hear the surly sullen bell
Give warning to the world that I am fled
From this vile world, with vilest worms to dwell:
Nay, if you read this line, remember not
The hand that writ it; for I love you so
That I in your sweet thoughts would be forgot
If thinking on me then should make you woe.
O, if, I say, you look upon this verse
When I perhaps compounded am with clay,
Do not so much as my poor name rehearse.
But let your love even with my life decay,
Lest the wise world should look into your moan
And mock you with me after I am gone.

SONNET 71
-William Shakespeare

... how much grief you must feel. I hope you find some comfort, somehow, and find a way to feel the grief and then let it go.

:hug:

I've been there, BHN - I've been in the pits of despair (and for me, it happened when I was in seminary, of all places). A few good friends helped me realize that I needed to live in the pain, and embrace it, rather than try to shrug it off.

I spent hours listening to variations of the Requiem - Faure, Durufle, Rutter, Brahms... and crying many, many tears. I read the Psalms, and was amazed at how many of them were written in moments of despair and pain - but nearly every one ended with a word of hope.

I went through Easter - my first Easter at seminary, truly struggling with the question: "Did the resurrection of Christ really happen?"

I found healing and comfort from worship, from eucharist (communion), where I shared an eternal meal with those who had died, from music and song, and long periods of silence. I let the tears come. I was not afraid to ask the hard questions, or to express my rage to God.

If you get a chance, and when you're ready, read Henri Nouwen's "The Wounded Healer." In it, he tells of how he learned to embrace pain and suffering, and in it, be able to transform his own pain into offering healing for others. (The example above of taking the gift to the nursing home is an excellent example of this healing, transforming love.)

I'm here for you - feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

:hug:

Thank you so much for the reminder.
That pain can only be processed through embrace, not resistance.
Henri Nouwen is our modern day a'Kempis in my humble; estimation.
Love to you.
BHN

:hug: Let Uncle Henri help you find your way.

only to find I have given it away- AGAIN.
and is that not the lesson?
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
OOOOOOOOOOO
BHN

Everything is on loan.
Ah yes.
Treasure that which is given unto your brief stewardship,
be it a book , person, talent or anything else. It is all a gift meant to be shared with the universe.
And never forget the source to who it all belongs, eh?
BHN

LOL. Next time, buy two. One to keep, one to give. :)

If I could reach into you and surgically remove such feelings so that you had some time, a space, where you could heal from so many losses,...I'd do it.

:hug:

I've lost many friends over the years. Their deaths seemed so tragic and untimely and unfair,...to me. Once I got past my own pain from losing them, I knew they were free from this world and I could sense their peace. Knowing they are free and at peace made me peaceful.

:hug: Give yourself the time you need to work through your pain.

seeing witnesses on tv cry while describing how victims in the train car ahead screamed for help was simply too much for me! How can any human being forget a day like this? I felt even worse that such a tragedy happened shortly after hearing about the 2012 Olympics. You're not alone, I doubt there is a single dry eye at DU. :cry:

My heart goes out to all the victims and witnesses hurt in this attack.

but, I think it's up to many of us here to carry on and the burden seems so great it's hard to bear sometimes.

I have no idea how America could have come to this...and I'm a "war baby" whose seen alot. It's as if all our history and learning from history was wiped away when Bush II stole the Presidency.

Nothing makes sense...but many of us are "muddling through it," as I know you are or you wouldn't have posted your plea.

I've been where you are many times...I don't have an answer...but I post what an oldie DU'er long since banned with a tombstone said which rings in my head when I get really down: "We Dems gotta keep on truckin'."
I took that as "Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again." (song from a Disney movie or Cole Porter..or somewhere.)

Just gotta try to figure that there's some "plan" for all of this...and we don't see it all...didn't choose to live in this turmoil..but that we ended up HERE must count for something. Who knows what it is...:shrug:

But...:hug: to you ...Goodness knows we all need it.. and thanks for posting what many of us feel.

You did the right thing by crying out to your DU friends. I think as a group this is a remarkably compassionate, honest, and realistic group of people.

Sounds like an awful lot to bear. I lost my Dad this past fall and I have had similar feelings about not having done enough to connect with him while he was alive. My mother survived his death, but her Alzheimer's has almost completely taken away her ability to talk. My brother and I don't know how much of this she even understands, as she can't communicate or express her feelings hardly at all - only through her eyes and facial expressions. They were married for over 50 years and had the happiest marriage I've ever seen until they both got so sick. (Sorry, this isn't meant to be about me, but I never shared this with anyone at DU before). I'm just happy they had a wonderful life together and that they were around as long as they were.

On the other hand, it's especially tragic when life is cut so short. Again, I'm so sorry that you've experienced that kind of loss.

Not that I have any great advice, but in times of grief, I have to just take comfort in the fact that in a strange way, being able to cry & grieve is somehow a gift. Somehow through the pain there is a feeling of "Yes, this is painful, but I at least it lets me know that I'm alive. And there is still something to live for." Hope that makes sense.

Take some breaks, cut yourself some slack, stay in touch with other friends, ask for help if you need it, and find opportunities sometimes to laugh again at something silly - that is, when you can't cry anymore for awhile. It will make you feel better for awhile and help you to sleep.

I hope tonight has been better than today, and that tomorrow will be better for you than it is tonight. Take care and keep us posted:grouphug:

Joy will find a way (a song about dying)
by Bruce Cockburn

Make me a bed of fond memories
Make me to lie down with a smile
Everything that rises afterward falls
But all that dies has first to live.

As longing becomes love
As night turns to day
Everything changes
Joy will find a way

*hug*

I don't have the answers to your questions, and they are questions I believe that all of us, from time to time, ask. The fact that you love so hard, and grieve so deeply, means that you are a loving, caring person, and feel great pain at each loss.

For what it's worth, we are here for you; there are many shoulders here at DU, and you will always find one to lean on when you need it. Peace and love to you.

As of today, no truer words have been spoken.
I am amazed and humbled by the enormous
love and support of our DU family.
We all "lose it" at one time or another, and it
is simply astounding to witness the circle of
love that catches us when we "fall" and say so here at DU.
BHN