What do you do with a very dysfunctional family?

Sexual abuse, verbal and so much more. And it is now accepted as the norm. It is a "just get over it issue".

Where do you go from here?

I was sexually abused by my dad, my brothers, younger than I were physically abused over me. What do we do.

He is now incapacitated (my father), my mother, the martyr, she still takes care of him. My two brothers have nothing to do with them. And my daughter thinks the sun and the moon shine on them both.

My mom's mom supports her martyr supposition.

This family is at a loss.

Peace.

but stand firm that you are the one making the decisions in your life.

n/t They win.

:cry: :hug:

you are a good person. What other people did to you has nothing to do with you. Please try and find happiness away from the home.

You don't say how old they are but you stand little chance of changing them. Probably a good idea to consider counseling for yourself if you haven't already done so. Yeah, I know, your parents needed it years ago, but put that aside.

You have to take care of yourself and your family - no one needs to be around that sort of toxicity. You weren't put on this earth to be abused by one parent; nor to not be protected by the other. (I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm going through something similar.) Just out of curiosity, how old is your daughter - very young? Please, please protect her.

Good luck and yes, "peace." :-)

Al Franken made a movie called, "Stuart Saves His Family" and the sexual abuse isn't addressed, but I recommend it! I love Stuart Smalley!

I have been abused, physically, mentally, sexually by my Father,
I remember as a child , my father would go in to the yard, threatening to kill himself, fire a shot into the air and we five children would wait for our Mom to check and say, Don't worry, everything is ok, don't say this or that, because it will upset your dad. We walked on eggs all of our childhood. It was a horrible time and as of today, when someone raises their voice to me, I think it is all my fault, no matter what. I fell I must have done something wrong, to upset the family or whoever. It is always there. I have had counseling, been into drugs, been everywhere. Nothing ever changes. Been there, done that.

Walking on eggshells pretty much describes it. My dad was an asshole from the word go. A selfish prick who deliberately adopted 2 females (my sister and me) so he could abuse us without having to worry about getting the shit beaten out of him by an adolescent male. He told us this. Our mother left when I was 4 and my stepmom did absolutely nothing to intervene on our behalf.

I've made a fairly decent life for myself, but I'm plagued by anxiety all the time. I too, panic when I hear a loud angry male voice in my midst.

I'm so sorry NewinNJ. And then you have to put up with your husband and his comments (I read your thread in the Lounge about that). Just know that you're not alone. :hug:

Today , I have felt better about myself then I have for a long time. I read all of the responses to my comment and I really felt like I had support. It made me cry with appreciation and happiest. I have never felt such love and acceptance . I have actually had a good day and told my husband, accept me as I am or get over it. I am going to live for me for once. Thanks so much to all of you.

I know how hard it is to assert yourself, coming from an abusive background. That's what I'm doing too. Living for myself and learning not to put up with crap. Cheers :toast:

I own the factory on it all. T-shirts, drugs and everything else. Please seek peace, and you just might find it here.

Lots can change.

I feel for you. I really do. I struggle, at age 36, with basic relationships with people. Recently, it occurred to me that my default assumption about everyone I came into contact with was that they didn't like me and it was up to me to prove myself worthy of them. That's what a shitty family does to you, among other things.

I went to a very good therapist years ago who helped me immeasurably. Gotta be careful with that though, some shrinks suck and can actually make things worse. Find someone who specializes in adults with abuse issues if you can.

Take care sweetie :hug:

How sad is that :cry:

My father once threw a knife into the Thanksgiving table as we were sitting there.. To this day I don;t know who the intended reciever was..(certainly not the turkey)

We sat there watching it wobble back and forth, and then my mother casually wiggled it free and asked him to carve the turkey..

Both my parents are gone now, and oddly enough, at the end of their lives my anger was more for her, than him. That she stood by and watched him abuse me and never left him..

I vowed to always protect my kids and chose well for their father. They have grown into self-sufficient, happy men with wonderful relationships with their women (one wife, 1 fiancee, and 1 girlfriend)

My father's brutality scarred me, but I stopped the cycle..

When I was little, there wasn;t a week that went by that I didn;t have some injury.. from a belt buckle or the but of a knife that cracked my skull, or from being slammed into the corner of a wall.and then the sexual abuse didn;t do a 6 yr old much good either.. My mother was a stay-at-home Mom and had no excuse to ignore the signs, but she did.

When I finally got the courage up to tell her, I was rewarded with a slap across the face and called a slut.. I was 12..

I was then sent away for a few months to "think about what I had done", and then no one ever spoke about it again..

She went on to have two more children with him..:eyes: They finally divorced after he was arrested for molesting a neighbor kid.. (the police were never told about me)..

My kids were never allowed to be alone with him, even though he was later included in family events:eyes:..

Never understood that woman..

It is amazing what goes on and no one stops it.

Much love to you and lots of peace.

I never have understood my mom either. It is out of my comprehension.

take care of yourself and your children first.

if there is ever a choice to make where the wellbeing of your daughter or yourself would be compromised by the actions of your parents. there is no choice.

you have suffered unfairly and they have not done right by their children.

That's what I did. I haven't spoken with most of my family in decades, and it's unlikely that I ever will. Certainly I'll never seek them out. In recent years I've renewed some contact with my mother, since she herself finally left. It sounds harsh, but if your family makes you crazy, you can't change THEM, you can only change yourself. Put your own sanity first, and cut your ties to them. That's my $0.02.

Thank you and to everyone else, take the 2 cents and keep them close to your heart.

http://www.tamingyourgremlin.com/index.cfm

This gentleman, this analyst, he saved my life.

Rick Carson. I was privileged to see him at a very early point in his career. I think I am part of one or more of his books and I know I was used in his early training tapes along with my family.

He is a really knowledgeable person. He saved my life.

I would love to help you and take your pain away, as I carry alot of my own. Try to stay strong and care for yourself. It is so hard, but there are many in your situation. More then you could ever know. Your are ok. Remember, it is not your fault. I keep trying to keep that in mind. You were an Innocent child. You didn't know the difference. Prayers to you.

Of course you might have mixed feelings towards your parents despite what they put you through but why drag yourself and your daughter through the drama of being around them? I don't see how any good could come from being around them, especially since they expect you to just get over it.

It is a mess. One day, somehow it will come out to be okay. IT IS ALL i CAN BELIEVE IN. one day.

Why do they have "control" over her?
I am thankful that your father is no longer in a position to abuse anyone. I am sorry that your mother was an enabler (was she also abused?)
Sadly, you must separate from them.(taking the age of your daughter into consideration)
You and she deserve a life apart from the pain that your family caused you.

doctor. The really sad part is she is prime to be drafted and to help defray cost of her education she will enlist. The dad she lives with will make sure of it (he is a redneck, navy idgit), plus he works for the pharma industry. Ain't it grand?

counsellor and you rebuild the family you deserve.

A counselor can help you wade through the past & validate your present feelings. It sounds like you have alot to deal with on several different fronts. The healing can take a long, long time.

This is never ever a 'just get over it issue'.




:hug:

What do you need? Where would you like to be in the future?

Hard to answer these questions, but this is what you must figure out.

So sorry about the grief you must be feeling.

short, manageable time frames. Make sure you have transportation available and another place to stay so that if things get uncomfortable you can get up and leave.

Detach, detach, detach.

Try a 12-step program like Al-Anon.

and do whatever you can to keep your sanity.

Sorry you have had to deal with all that :(

comes out OK. Help your Mom if you can. Confront your Dad if you can and then maybe forgive him, if you can.

it started in late 60's and continued into the 70's. the best part was when my mom accepted what had been done and asked me to move on. She had to take care of my brothers.

I quit many years ago, I've been with the best of the best therapists.

taming your gremlin
Rick Carson

If it were not for him I just don't know.

Anyway thank you all for caring.

We all have so many issues.

Worst of all, my dad, beyond abusing me gave me so much tin foil.

As in conspiracy.

It is truly amazing how the dysfunction filters down through the generations. Once again, thank you all.

Is your dad a drinker? I hope like everything that you have figured out a way to set bounderies with your family. Do not let them make you the bad guy.

I have always thought it odd when kids, all raised in the same family have totally different memories of growing up. I am sorry that sh** like this happens to people. Please take very good care of yourself. :hug:

if the 'them both' in "and my daughter thinks the sun and the moon shine on them both" is your brothers, I'd make darn sure they don't ever see her alone. If they abused you, they're more than likely to continue that abuse with your daughter. I would also monitor her contact with your parents. God knows what kinds of values they would impart to her, even if he is too incapacitated to abuse her.

Protect your dauther at all costs, especially from people you *know* are paedophiles. As for the rest, wash your hands of them. None of them deserve your worry or compassion.

I can not keep my daughter from them. All I have is time.

I do not get to share with her my past with my father on threat of death from my brothers. All I can do is try to take a stand and it is truly difficult at best. I hold my brother accountable and he knows I will take him to task if he fails.

I tried last year in a very bad moment to share with her why and she could not handle the grief.

Like I said in the beginning, "how do you really deal with a truly dysfunctional family?"

And yes, look above I've sought counseling for years upon years. I just wish I could get my daughter there.

It's never too late to start over.. I never lived closer than 400 miles during my adult life, and literally gave myself permission to be on my own, and never ask for help from them. There were visits (for appearances mostly), but once I left..I LEFT..

My boys know about my history, but I waited until they were almost adults, so they would not be afraid and upset by things beyond their years.

There has to be someone who can help you get away from these people..

You can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family.. Make a choice to help yourself and your daughter....

:hug:

I hope your daughter doesn't have to go through what you did. As for your question concerning dysfunctional families, I guess we'll have to paraphrase Tolstoy - every dysfunctional family is dysfunctional in its own way, and each solution is different too. I'm glad youve gotten help, I know how destructive trauma like that can be, and how much it f*cks up your adulthood.

my mother was abused physically and verbally by my grandmother. My mother never gave up on her mother and could never admit to herself that she was abuse she never gave up trying and trying to get the love she was denied, she was continually hurt again and again. In the end my grandmother delivered the cruelest cut of all by disowning and disinheriting my mother, even from the grave she reached out with her hate and my mother suffered till the day she herself died.

Just want to add that my mother was a wonderful person and a terrific mother who broke the cycle of abuse by bringing my brother and I up with love and kindness.

Ending the cycle of abuse and dysfunction is really hard to do. I can take it back on both sides at least 2 generations. It can truly boggle one's mind. I'm trying.