You won't believe this

This is a mass e-mail memo distributed to the United States Environmental Protection Agency Personnel in Washington, DC today September 7.

MEMORANDUM

SUBJECT: National Preparedness Month 2005

FROM: Luis A. Luna, Assistant Administrator /s/
for Administration and Resources Management

TO: All EPA Headquarters Employees


September is “National Preparedness Month 2005,” which is intended to raise public awareness about the importance of preparing for unexpected emergencies. The necessity of preparedness has only been highlighted in light of recent events nationally and abroad. EPA will be participating in this nationwide program, along with many other national, state and local organizations, including the U.S. Department of Homeland Security and the American Red Cross.

Some of the planned activities for employees at Headquarters will include:

· Distributing a variety of quick reference aides, such as an Employee Emergency Preparedness Guide (2005 version), updated and laminated emergency procedures desk cards, and a new “pocket card” that will provide a diagram of the outside assembly areas for the Federal Triangle Complex (FTC);

· Establishing information booths in the EPA Cafeteria and Ariel Rios South (7th Floor) where employees can obtain specifics on creating family communication plans, developing personal emergency supply kits, and much more;

· Conducting shelter-in-place drills for the FTC;

· Launching new Web-based information on occupant emergency planning that will contain building specific information for all headquarters facilities; and,

· Providing updated information on our “HQ Security in the Workplace” Web site: http://intranet.epa.gov/oas/smd/hqsecurity/index.htm . Other informative Web sites include: www.ready.gov and www.redcross.org .

I believe that emergency preparedness is very important and will be of great benefit to you at work and at home. I encourage everyone to participate in our planned activities and to learn as much as possible about planning and preparing for emergencies.

Of course, if you read between the lines this what it really says . . .

MEMORANDUM

SUBJECT: National Preparedness Month 2005

FROM: Luis A. Luna, Assistant Administrator /s/
for Administration and Resources Management

TO: All EPA Headquarters Employees


In keeping with the policy of the administration to arrive a day late and a dollar short we are belatedly announcing to all of you that September is “National Preparedness Month 2005,” which is intended to raise public awareness about the importance of preparing for unexpected emergencies. After all you don't seriously expect the governmnet to actually help you do you? The necessity of preparedness has only been highlighted in light of recent events nationally and abroad where the Federal government has dropped the ball so many times that one may rightly wonder if the ball is actually on fire.. EPA will be participating in this nationwide program (we won't be doing anything really, but hey in these uncertain times it is best to APPEAR to be doing something), along with many other national, state and local organizations, including the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (who will be huntingdown terrorists in ur midst and expanding the ever increrasing bed space at Guantanimo) and the American Red Cross (as soon as they can find the lost 100 million dollars from 9/11).

Some of the planned activities for employees at Headquarters will include:

· Distributing a variety of quick reference aides, such as an Employee Emergency Preparedness Guide (2005 version), updated and laminated emergency procedures desk cards, and a new “pocket card” that will provide a diagram of the outside assembly areas for the Federal Triangle Complex (FTC) These will be invaluable as either: (1) substitutes for the inevitable toilet paper shortages, (2) signal cards to flash at Air Force One as it passes slowly overhead to assess how doubly bad it must be on the ground, (3) quick reference for you to determine just how truely screwed you are in the event of an emergency ;

· Establishing information booths in the EPA Cafeteria and Ariel Rios South (7th Floor) where employees can obtain specifics on creating family communication plans, developing personal emergency supply kits, and much more. As you know it is so very important that your families realize how highly valued each and every citizen in this country is to the Administration. By you developing your emergency supply kits, you are (1) helping with economic recovery (somebody is making those poncohs and cigarette lighter), (2) Increasing trade with our business partners in China (hey 250 million cheap Chinese flashlights, 100 million rolls of Chinese duct tape, and countless cup-o-noodles goes a long way to bringing democracy and capitalism to our brothers across the Pacific), and (3) easing the conscience or our esteemed President who worries constantly about each and every one of you;

· Conducting shelter-in-place drills for the FTC We have discovered through our experiences in NOLA that sheltering in place is very good because (1) it avoids ll those nasty public relation debacles when the public shelters are ignored and not supplied, and (2) provides very convenient and hygienic points for the collection of the dead (please tatoo your employee number on your forhead for easy identification);

· Launching new Web-based information on occupant emergency planning that will contain building specific information for all headquarters facilities (which makes remarkable sense considering that in the event of an actual emergency there will likely be no power, no telephone, and no internet service. Still we have to appear to be doing something, and at least through this effort, when your building is in rubble, you can be sure that some Laplander in Finland will be able to identify where you sorry behind is burried); and,

· Providing updated information on our “HQ Security in the Workplace” Web site: http://intranet.epa.gov/oas/smd/hqsecurity/index.htm . Other informative Web sites include: www.ready.gov and www.redcross.org .

I believe that emergency preparedness is very important (hey it is my job, my buddy W says so, I do nothing else of any material consequence, and I'm looking some street cred with the staff and with anybody in the press) and will be of great benefit to you at work and at home. If nothing else you will have the opportunity to pretend that somebody cares, somebody is in charge, and somebody will be coming to rescue you and your loved-ones). I encourage everyone to participate in our planned activities and to learn as much as possible about planning and preparing for emergencies.