The Bush* Family Arrest and Detention Survival Guide (satire)

Boys and Girls! Scared of what might happen if you get in trouble with the police? Well don't be! Because ignoring boring laws written to control poor people is not only a harmless rite of passage, it's a sacred Bush family tradition. And just like the President himself, the next generation of Bushes is already hard at work laying the foundation for their meteoric rise to political superstardom! Here are some of their awesome tips and ideas that you can try yourself!


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Jenna Bush Sez: "OMIGOD, like, policemen are so lame. One minute, you're all like doing your own thing, like hanging with your friends and sucking down ciggies and mad tasty beverages, and the next minute, there's like some majorly ugly guy being all, 'Stop that!' Then you're all, 'Whatever loser, my mom's only been letting me do this since I was TEN!' And then he's all, 'You're in trouble! Come with me!' And then you're all, 'Alright already!' And that's when you totally barf strawberry margarita and burrito chunks right in his stupid middle-classed face!"

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Noelle Bush Sez: "Granddaddy started the War on Drugs – and we're winning! Now speaking in my capacity as a 'little brown one', I know what I'm talking about when I say how fairly we coloreds get treated by the police every time they catch us with totally legal happy pills that we buy in totally legal bulk from totally legal doctor friends who'll do anything so long as our family puts caps on malpractice suit payouts. As for advice, when you get sentenced to hard time in luxury rehab – don't forget to mention how your uncle is King of America, kids! Then they won't even DREAM of looking for the backup stash at the end of your tampon string!"

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Jebby Bush Sez: "Whassup little dudes and dudettes? Listen, the main thing to remember when you're getting busted is that everything will be way OK. So whether you're boning some horny slut in a mall parking lot, or getting massively wasted and smacking cops around, it's not like there will be any REAL consequences or anything. Oh, and if the pig who's hassling you so much as touches you after you tell him you're like, royalty, just have your old man call up the Attorney General's office and make sure that donut-munching fuck gets totally shit-canned!"

http://www.whitehouse.org/kids/jail.asp