A Dying Woman's Regrets - a true story

My wife is a Registered Nurse who specializes in Oncology care with an emphasis on Hospice care. She has a special touch with the dying that elicits the greatest of praise from families who have had to pass through the deepest valleys of sorrow and witness the passing of a loved one.

The hospital she works at is in a first-ring suburb of Minneapolis that the passage of time has made surprisingly mixed demographically. I often think that her recognized ability to connect to Jew, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, None-of-the-above alike stems from her avowed Atheism. Being a part of no-one's religion somehow makes her welcome in everyone's family as she administers her profoundly competent care.

She must deal as well with the complete spectrum of political adherents as the 1950's suburbs become - in a way - the new inner city.

That's where this story arises.

A she tells it, there is a point in Hospice care that every patient passes through. Some quite early in their stay. Others fending it off until the last hour. That point is the patient's own acceptance that all that can be done has been done. That they won't be getting well. That the hoped-for miracle will not be arriving. And that they, like so many before them, will be leaving.

If that point has been passed early enough in a patient's stay, many of them have a short time in which they often wish to talk over their lives. Many put in a last rally as they revisit wonderful and, and sometimes, regret-filled memories. My wife is always on hand at this time to listen, laugh and console - the families as well as the patient.

Just the other day, she tells me, she had been there to see a dying woman in her 70's pass through the acceptance point and move on to chat about her life in general. My wife left this nice lady to the intimacies of her family and turned to her other patients. Some hours later, after the woman's family had gone for the day, the nursing station received a call light from the woman's room-mate. Getting to the room revealed that the room-mate was worried about her neighbor who, after a fairly pleasant day, was now crying uncontrollably. This is not an unknown type of thing to happen in hospice care and my wife was on-the-spot to see what might have happened and how she could help. My wife was startled at what the woman had to say: "I've had a good life. I have no real regrets. But I worry now that I won't get into heaven." Unafraid of these kind of deathbed musings, my wife immediately asked her why. How can that be?

This was the woman's answer: "I voted for that damn Bush! ...Twice!

My wife assured her that no-one is denied peace for their mistakes in this life. Especially not on the basis of any vote for President! But the woman added that she was worried she would be punished for those 2 particular votes because Bush "has been such a disaster to the whole world".
My wife suggested that if answers are needed that there already is someone slated to answer for "that damn Bush" - Mr. Bush himself. This eased the poor woman's mind and she completed her journey much more at peace.

I find this story funny, in a way. Death-bed regrets have launched a thousand hoary, old jokes and ancient comedy sketches. Just change the name of the president and you can imagine the words "I voted for that damn Roosevelt! ...Twice!" as a punchline from a "dying"character with a name like "Harlequin P. Winstead III" on a scratchy recording of a 1940's radio comedy.

This, however, was real. And it shouldn't be. No real-life person should be having real-life deathbed regrets that involve lines better delivered by the character voices on The Fred Allen Show or The Jack Benny Program.

Among the more cherished prerogatives we have as Americans, despite going unmentioned in the Bill of Rights, is our presumed right to take politics lightly. That what happens in Washington stays in Washington and that reason (or more importantly reasonableness) will prevail among our Elected Representatives allowing the Represented to return, after only minor interruptions, to our bass-boats and scrap-booking parties.

Now...I'll argue that the very assumption of politics being self-regulating (thanks to some kind of Divine American Exceptionalism) is what has gotten us into so much trouble. It was just a matter of time before someone - or group of someones - would see the possibilities for exploitation of the political ignorance that is generated by living that assumption.

I have annoyed people for going on 30 years now , telling them that democracy assumes a populace that takes the time to check-in regularly and that voting is just the paperwork you fill-out on the first day of your new job: citizen. And yet, I still find a warm affection lives in my heart for that all-American assumption that our elected officials will still manage a certain minimum level of honorable behavior even if too many of us work too many hours at our jobs or watch too many DVD's.

If the the entire oversight committee known as The Citizenry should take a collective trip to Vegas, I think we still assume that the kids in D.C. are "good kids". They might use our inattention to have a kegger, smoke pot and generally stain the carpet but, we trust, they won't set the house on fire, strip the mini-van for parts or harm small animals.

Until now. This time, having over-stayed at the Mall of America, we return and immediately know that we have been away too long and too often. The house partially collapsed. An oily sheen on the reflecting pond . Men with rubber gloves and respirators tending to the dead and wounded.

Regrets. Shame. Enough for everyone and extending to all - including a dying woman worried that she may not enter heaven.

This must end. Soon. And returning to our First Job of citizen is the only thing that will end it.

on general principle

Is your wife familiar with the book Final Gifts by two hospice nurses? I really enjoyed that book. BTW, I am in nursing school. I have thought about hospice too.

Your style and even your name evoke that nostalgic era of politicians who cared about America, and Americans who gave them trust. Perhaps one day we can regain a bit of that, but not now. Now we need to save our country from the invaders within.

I don't mean to suggest something pastoral by my use of "citizen". Our First Job includes angry, rancorous debate and protest when needed. That's one of the tricks that they have played on us - convincing us that "bi-partisanship" and "decorum" are what democracy looks like.

Democracy looks like pounding on tables, sounds like yelling and takes place in the streets as often as anything else. We do those things as a replacement for stabbing each other with knives.

When they have us convinced to behave nicely - we are in trouble.

We are waking up from our long slumber. You should have seen DC on Septh 24th. It was so inspiring to see half a million people come together to oppose the Regime.

Welcome to DU from a fellow Minnesotan. :hi:

...and that's 48 of them so far!:toast:

Kicked & nominated.


And hugs and deep admiration for your wife. What a lovely woman, how lucky are you and the others she has touched throughout the years. :hug:

the blood is their hands as much as Chimpboy's.

I always wondered how people could say they were moral/christian when the person they put in charge is a murderer and hence God is weeping for the people/planet right now.

Who would Jesus bomb. Every Fucktard who voted for Bush should have their asses over in Iraq helping people.

Nominated

Thank you for sharing.

"democracy assumes a populace that takes the time to check-in regularly and that voting is just the paperwork you fill-out on the first day of your new job: citizen."

This is a great description! May I quote it?

What a story, and what a terrific writer you are. Please - please! - submit this to your local paper as an op-ed. This needs to be read far and wide.

Kudos to your wife, btw. That's not easy work and it takes someone exceptionally caring to do it.

I obviously have no knowledge of her personal situation, but speaking generically, voting for Bush could be a sign of a self-centered and mean-spirited life. If that were the case, worry may very well be justified for a dying person of faith. It is very difficult for me to conjure up a virtuous reason to have voted for Bush, especially the second time. Those who voted for him did so either out of ignorance or complicity.

I voted for Bush in 2000 and by December 31, 2001 was deeply ashamed of that act. It was due to ignorance courtesy of blindly half-paying attention to the corporate media. I will never be that blase about any election ever again. I feel victimized but even that's not fair. I am responsible for my complacency.

I made a New Year's resolution on January 1, 2002 that I would work my butt off to defeat Bush in the 2004 General Election. And I did. And I think we succeeded. Diebold, Sequoia and ES&S undermined our efforts.

I can forgive someone for voting for Bush in 2000...especially if they weren't from Texas. I cannot yet forgive someone for voting for him in 2004.

possibly did stand for more in the poor woman's life - but still - I am still astounded for anyone to have any president factor into their deathbed regrets. We grit our teeth and get by day to day but this story drove home to me how drastically ill we are as a nation now. Unprecedented.

Bush, and all that he represents, has had a huge impact upon all of us - and on a very personal level. Another example: I wonder how many families are fractured over the divisive politics he has brought to the nation. Many, I am sure. That one man, and the mean-spirited agenda he represents, could create so much destruction on a personal level is astounding. I think it's additional evidence that he is truly an evil man.

Much less profound but in a similar vein...

Michael Moore posted a lot of letters on his website of reactions to F9/11. One man wrote that he went with his Republican wife and as they were leaving, she told him, "I know you're going to want to talk about this, but, please, not for a while."

He agreed. By the time he was pulling out of the parking lot, his wife was sobbing and wailing, "Oh, my God! It's my fault! I voted for him!"

Bless your wife about what she said. And it's true. She shouldn't be the one to blame. I try my best before I vote to really research the person. I try my best to not have any regrets in life. Sometimes things happen though. I don't think this woman would be denied her peace for voting for Bush.

may have trouble seeing how ordinary an act voting for Bush could seem to someone taking politics very lightly. Millions of people have never looked beyond the Captive Media. They still thoroughly believe that if they should know about it it will be served up to them by the padded suits on TV.

More than anything else, I believe the crisis we are now in in this country is a direct result of the brazen collusion of the media with the cult-group members known as the Bush Admin.

The entire Neo-Con agenda is laughable on it's face! Not even 9/11, by itself, could have driven this nonsense home - if the Captive Media hadn't made it all possible with their truly Soviet-style distortion of reality itself!

The neo-cons aren't powerful so much as the average American has been infantilized by our corrupted media.

how horrible the actions of an administration that having voted for them can create such despair in a dying person

:kick: and Recommended!

Please take the above advise, and send this as a LTTE to as many newspapers as you can. It is such an inspiring and humorous human story.

for this post. It was heartening to read about your wife's loving and kind response to this poor, terrified woman.

I've been intrigued for some time by how crises, national or personal, are real opportunities for positive change.

When we think of "apocalypse" what comes to mind is an event where God judges us and the world, finds us wanting and destroys all. But the original meaning of the Greek word "apocalypse" is "revelation." The apocalypse isn't about physical destruction. It's about how, at moments of crisis, we are revealed. We can choose to see and know the painful truth about who we and others really are. We can admit our failings, make amends, seek resolution, work for justice and establish real connections.

Or we can deny the truth when confronted and remain "unrevealed" to ourselves and to others--staying in the darkness, afraid of seeing and knowing truth, afraid of dissent, highly suspicious, projecting our inner ugliness, violence, shame and ignorance onto an "other" who is "less deserving" of human dignity and compassion than ourselves.

I suspect that there will be many, many more "personal apocalypses" like what your wife witnessed in the near future.

Thx. again.

yes this is what apocalypse is for. I love the way you stated it.

As the Sage Nichiren said, when confronted by the Devil of the 6th Heaven (a symbol in medieval Japan for the delusion and darkness inherent in human life), the foolish will cower while the wise will rejoice.

He is explaining that it is the very confrontation with our individual darkness that allows change--and when "Darkness" is manifested on such a wide scale as we are seeing now, it opens the way for alot of individual confrontation and change. This is how we manifest the Buddha nature or our highest, enlightened aspect which is also inherent in life. It is also how we can manifest the highest nature of ourselves on a mass scale, meaning this is the catalysing opportunity to change the nation)

Thank you for pointing it out to me!:thumbsup:

:silly:

She sounds quite special! :)

and, as someone who is very familiar with hospice, tell your wife that I believe she is in perhaps the most noble job one can do in life. I have NEVER heard anyone criticize hospice...takes special people to do that job.

:thumbsup:

I sent an email this morning to someone and mentioned how I felt some responsibility too for this war due to being one of millions of Americans who have neglected politics (other than voting), in my case, for about 15 years...I didn't really wake up until Bush was 'selected' in November 2000.

My jaw dropped when I read what she said.

Good for your wife for being such a patient, caring person.

:kick:

beautiful story, beautifully written.

and your follow-up to the story was wonderful.

I think you and your wife are both very special people. Thanks for the great post.

for me. My niece passed away 2 1/2 years ago and I was there at my sister's home when she died. I would not have made it through the night without the wonderful hospice nurse who was assigned to my niece. I had to take over and make decisions because my sister and brother-in-law were in very bad shape. I will never forget her. I could never do what hospice nurses do, they are very special people. You should be very proud of your wife. Again, please tell her thank you for all that she does.

n/t

This is so very powerful. So evocative.

And I had never thought about how easy it has always been to take our political system for granted, only that I sure started paying attention during the 2000 campaigns. I'm not even sure what it was that first woke me up, though it might have been Tom Tomorrow's cartoons that were my first alert.

I would hope to see it printed in many places not just your local paper.

And only began paying attention after 9/11. I would dearly love to know how many other Americans have finally begun paying attention...
Thank you for pointing out with such eloquence the vital importance of our duty as citizens.

I wish you'd post more often. I still have a two-part essay you wrote for "General Discussion - Politics" on the subject of unions, outsourcing and the DLC a few months back. I posted the first part of that one on another forum where it generated lots of discussion.

Aside from that--you're right, of course. Too many of us have been "on vacation" from the job of citizen for too long, and while we were gone the vandals showed up and trashed the house!

Thanks for sharing this. Thanks to your wife for comforting that woman.

BTW - many new posters on this thread (judging solely by their post numbers) - WELCOME TO YOU ALL - FredStembottom, scard, sdfernando, BJW, DaytonOHDem, ! Glad to have you here with us! We all need to help, encourage, and buttress each other, just as Fred's marvelous wife did for the dying woman. Just remember something really important, though. Unlike the situation facing that dying woman, it is not too late for the rest of us here to work for positive change, starting with the removal of these bastards from office and from power, and bringing them to justice. They have MANY MANY sins for which to answer when they make the jump to lightspeed.

vote for Bush twice?

Maybe that's why she was dying in the first place. Karma is an S.O.B. That's great that she was repentant, but now we have to live with her brain fart decision. Gaia is not so easily appeased.

I'd say I hope you're kidding, but I don't think you are. Hey, here's a thought... she's dying because that's what happens to people. To everyone. I'm really appalled that you would say something like that.

and thanks for sharing this! I loved it. I want to hug your wife - what a beautiful thing she does.