My neighbor has a bomb.

My neighbor has a bomb and he’s threatening to blow up me and my children. This man has a history of violence and I have seen him carrying in all the ingredients necessary to make an explosive device. Yesterday, I saw him carry in 3 long pipes and a beige plastic bag that clearly showed 6 pipe caps. He also is an avid hunter and purchases black powder on a regular basis. In the past he has made overt threats and at one point he and my father came to blows. He had been in a fight with another neighbor and my father stepped in and put a stop to it. Sometime after this fight, he attempted to shoot my father in the back.

There can be no doubt that this man is evil. He has a long and bloody history of violence against his neighbors and against his own family. Because of the overwhelming evidence that this man plans to build a bomb and kill me and my family, I am going to invade his home and place him under house arrest. I am going to then take over his home until such a time as his family agrees to abandon his legacy of violence. If they do not change, I will torture and kill them. If any of his friends or neighbors attempts to help this family, I will declare them an enemy and invade their homes as well. I claim this as my right to protect my family and to avert a terrible catastrophe in my home. I will bring the fight to his home so he does not bring it to mine. I will stay the course and will not be cowed by weaklings and cowards. God himself has willed this stand against evil and I will obey my Lord. While I do not wish for this fight, it has been thrust on me and I will rise to the challenge. Onward to battle and may God bless my house.

BTW, good parody :)

What are you gonna do when you invade his house and find out that he wasn't making a bomb. In fact, those pvc pipes were really used to create a cheap entertainment system and the black powder was really pepper? Huh, huh? Whatcha gonna do?



p.s. great post btw

his tyrranical rule. Those poor people were brutalized by this man. How can I as a good Christian, who is charged by God to love thy neighbor, how could I sit by and not save them? Besides, it was not clear at the time that he did not intend to build a bomb. I am not at fault for faulty intelligence nor have I at any time misrepresented the truth. Besides, who are you to judge? Where was your plan?

keep you safe.

Black Gold,
Oil, that is...

Is there anything important I could do to aid in your party?

I need someone I can trust to work in my "news" room. heh heh heh

SAy the word and he's all yours...

I really need to call it a night....

It was fun, carry on, but don't forget, I am forever in your debt..

As you are mine....;-)

you never told me about his family being brutalized... and you didn't disclose that Johnny from Home Depot had a long conversation with your neighbor about how to build an entertainment system with PVC pipes....or, that "Two-finger" Floyd from down the block can state absolutely, positively that you can't use those type of PVC to make a bomb as proven by that little fiasco last July 4th.

That's just considered bad form and you should be ashamed to even raise such ignorant questions. Do you not love your family? You would do the same if you were in my shoes and if you wouldn't, you are weak and spineless.

I'm coming to protest... I'll be in the ditch beside your house.


edit to add:

p.s. Take that goddamn "Love Thy Neighbor" sticker off your SUV you hypocrite.

I went door to door and more than 60% of the neighborhood agrees with ME! In fact, the only neighbor that does support you is that fundie family with 10 kids. And their house smells like fish, so they don't count.

but I did find out that you stand to make a lot of money in real estate commissions once you sell the houses on the block that all the reasonable people abandoned due to the takeover of the neighbor's house.


Have you no shame?

A friend of mine told me that a friend of hers saw your mother burning the flag in your front yard and that a brother of yours was once picked up and spent a few days in jail and your father, well, I heard he might not even be your real father...

I turned you in. Now you're gonna have to explain those deposits to your bank account from some guy named J. Abramoff. We know he paid for your trip to Waukesha in return for you trying to influence not only the people in this neighborhood... but all over town.

that's the "Condominium Improvement Agency"... but you leaked her name and it was printed in the Neighborhood Watch monthly newsletter. Now I'll never be able to get approval for that orphanage I wanted to build on my back deck.

MY NEIGHBOR.

At this point, you're either with me or against me and I urge you not to believe outrageous conspiracy theories. Besides, your last neighbor got a blowjob in the den and LIED ABOUT IT!!!

he just misunderstood what you meant by "blowjob". He thought you were talking about using his leaf blower.

You might as well give up.... the home association is having a new election next week (and don't delude yourself, we knew you cheated to win the last election... dead giveaway using the SAME burnt umber crayon to fill out extra ballots). You're history!

in fact, I lost several toes in combat. However, I do frequently go to Canada to get my prescriptions filled because the pharmacy in our town is too expensive.

shot your own foot after binging on whiskey all night...

What unit where you in and what year so I can find the information I need to contact my friend again..haven't seen him in years, who did you serve with?

wanna see my medals?

If I cheated, how come I'm the President? HAH! In an election, there's winners and losers. The loser is the one who quits because winning is too hard. It's my job to make it too hard so I can be President. If you wanna be President of a neighborhood of cheaters, you got be the best fucking cheater of em all.

...you're not even sober enough to realize I'm a GIRL.

I have not been drunk in over 20 year, ever since I found Jesus and Cocaine. Fuck that booze shit, it's the White Dragon for me baby... God loves me and wants you to die. Where's momma? Momma? Riggy? What'd they do to you Riggy? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Especially when you don't glue the ends on, and your neighbor has never been shown to have purchased any PVC glue.

Boy, did your parents mess you up good.

Oh ... and stop the drinking and drugs, already

What does the rest of your family and the neighborhood think? Oh, wait, I bet you don't care.
God and you know what's right for everybody yeah?

(Imagine, Shakespeare got to do this every day!)

evidence, it us up to him to take control, if they don't understand why he is doing what he is doing, than they are just traitors or more than likely in cohoots with the neighbor...

on the other side is more than likely in the same frame of mind, have you ever had run in with the neighbor on your neighbors side?

It sure pays to be on top of things before they happen, perhaps you should ask a friend to help you invade both houses just to ensure the neighborhood is free from such threats?

the other neighbors will surely see the wisdom of following my life's path. They may be hostile but over time, if we apply enough pressure, I'm sure they will come around peacefully. However, ALL options are on the table.

others do to. I just have too much going on here at home, but I support you!

in the first place?

a way, he is after all protecting you and your family as well, have you no shame?

it's best if we just ignore them and let them wallow in thier own ignorance. By the way, would you like some of my neighbors money? He had plenty lying around in the basement. Oh, and any of my other supporters can have some of his money too. ;-)

talking about?

I could get on tv you know and destroy your opposition with false inuendos, you do know, if you say it often enough, people tend to believe it, I'm pretty good at that...

Yes, dear, I know the term well. And money, let's just put it this way, you keep talking like that and baby, what ever you want is yours.

one is wanting to start his own business but he doesn't want to have to pay taxes that are too high, can we discuss this further?

I think he also gave him some of that money that you are giving away!



p.s. I have to go to bed now, but you did a great job on this.

I AIN'T EVER LEAVINGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You had me SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY creeped out.

Sheesh.

Don't you EVER do that again.

:scared:

(Very persuasive metaphor, though. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to get it. :blush: )

Might as well make it worth your while

of Monty Python fame) from January 2003:

I'm losing patience with my neighbours, Mr Bush
http://observer.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,6903,882459,00.html

<snip>
For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is.

As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours.

They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!

<MORE>

Guardian over the past few years. Some funny/satirical, some very serious.
Here are a few:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,,1239688,00.html
http://www.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,,1222363,00.html
http://www.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,,1194707,00.html
http://www.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,,1332876,00.html

http://www.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,,1255561,00.html
http://www.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,,1206691,00.html
http://www.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,,1191333,00.html

(I only listed some of the more recent ones. The columns from the early months of the Iraq invasion are absolutely scathing. Go www.guardian.co.uk and search "Terry Jones")

This line made me laugh,
"Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!"

or go crazy...

That was great...;-)

the neighborhood busybody, who repeats the juiciest bits of neighborhood gossip ad nauseum to everybody else in the neighborhood, well, she's totally on your side because she said that all the other neighbors have told her about the whacko guy and how dangerous he is, so you've got to do whatever it takes to defend yourself before he comes after you, because everybody knows well, that's the only way to deal with a whacko.

She's a wonderful Christian. Maybe I should gove her a some money.

that what she really wants is an exclusive to the latest big happenings in the neighborhood. So she wants to be right there, alongside you, when you go in.

You should see her--she's soooo excited! Plus she has a brand new jogging suit. A red, white and blue one, with 50 stars on it, just like Jean Schmidt's, and she's been waiting for just the right occasion to wear it.

I applaud you. :applause: :applause: :applause:

Than I read through it and was like "doh!" as Homer Simpson would say.

peace to everyone..

sweet dreams and thanks for the fun.

that crazy guy who blew up your car in the driveway last spring -- and the police never did catch him, did they? Yeah, your neighbor probably told him to do it. I hope you keep your family safely locked up in the house to protect them, and if they ever complain, just tell them to STFU.

I'll send you the contract. No need to read it or get other bids. We'll send you a bill. We'll try to keep it below a trillion. Sincerely,
Halle Burton

You know, my freind Dick? Oh, yes. Come on in and show me where to sign.

Yup, that's us. By the way, we seem to have let this camel take $9 Billion, but we don't remember his name. Let us know if you see one walking around the neighborhood, k?

$9 billion. Man, don't worry bout that shit homey. Shit, it ain't like it's my money. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!

:applause: bravo!

the street at me. I'm sure he knows about my multiple watermelon launcher that can launch hundreds of melons into the next block but I think he's an unacceptable threat.

I'm trying to convince the neighbors on either side of him to join me in threatening to shut off his gas and electricity if he doesnt' tear his catapault apart. The neighbor who shares the duplex with him doesn't think the catapault is much of a threat. He doesnt' like shutting down his cousins power either as it will just mean that he will have to feed his cousins kids. The neighbor next to the duplex says that if I don't shut up he will quit mowing my lawn.

Should I launch the watermelons at just the one neighbor or all of them?

You have to hit him so hard it'll scare the living shit out the rest of em. I call the plan Shocking Melonball!

you must certainly be a man of gawd

that obscene Spongebob Squarepants.

headed this way. I would like to thank you all for joining me you've all done a heck of a job but I have a few days left on my vacation. I'll be heading out to get in a bit of Kareoke and there's this birthday party I gotta go to. I am sending someone to help you deal with this hurricane and he's a super guy. He used to train puppies or something, real top notch. Anyway, gotta jet, hope you all make it out okay and I hope you negroes out there got your own boat cause I'll shoot you for stealing mine. Love ya and God bless My House.

everyone knows you're still holding that family hostage even though it has been conclusively proven that they didn't have anything to make explosive.

btw... I just received a big envelope with pictures and videos.... can you explain why your neighbor and what seems to be a complete stranger are naked and trying to make a pyramid? This other picture is of your dog biting the two guys cause it just ain't possible to make a pyramid with only 2 people.

... I need to be alert so I can go to my 3 jobs tomorrow. I'm uniquely American that way.



p.s. Thanks for the fun mikelewis, it was just what I needed.

I find that the dog was to blame for this entire unfortunate incident and he was sentenced to a life of shame and sorrow. While sad... Not my fault... let's move on. So, have you heard that chickens can kill you?

...how was anybody supposed to hear about it?


Okay... I'm done.... although I really only have 1 job, I kinda need to be awake for it.

Thunderous applause, wolf whistles, calls for "encore, encore".
Long line of groupies wanting their chests autographed with lipstick.

I like it!

Well done - you should re-write this up and do an article in the press.
(And I haven't smoked a thing - so the weed is optional!)

I thought this was a REAL thing... >.<;;

Ya know I heard about a guy like that but he lived on the other side of the planet, making it very inconvenient to launch any kind of meaningful attack on my neighborhood and maybe yours as well. His neighbors over there weren't worried about him and they lived right next door. Not only that but there were cops patrolling his neighborhood and tapping his phones night and day because they, too, were familiar with his past tendencies.

Interesting coincidence.

you wouldn't be attacking him...

because you're a pussy.

but think about this. If my neighbor had continued his reign of terra, eventually he would have bombed your home as well. My actions last night have saved your world from tyrrany. It's easy to monday morning quarterback my actions while you sit idly by allowing your neighbors to intimidate your neighborhood. It's easy for you to criticize a true Father while your children are ignorant and Godless. Based upon my policy of preventative hostility against tyrants (PHAT), I have discovered a means of ensuring peace throughout the land. What have you done? How come you criticize but offer no plan? Is it that you sympathize with evil? You have staked your future on my failure but that's all you want to do, fail. You want to lead others down a path of tyrrany and secretly, you want other neighbors to do the same as my neighbor so you can point your finger at my PHAT policy and claim that I am a failure. You whole plan is obvious and weak. You are obvious and weak and are now on my list of people not allowed to listen to me speak.

that he occasionally aims at your house, that you've known about for quite some time. Hell, he tells us ALL about it. And you don't do ANYTHING to him. You've even offered to invite to head to the local Hooters a couple of times and settle your differences there over beer and hot wings.

Because he really is a threat, you appease him.

Pussy.

but not one who clearly posed a threat to the neighborhood. Right now, in my neighbors house all the other neighbors who are dissenting are collected there causing all sorts of hell. It is precisely for this reason that I attacked him. I wanted to draw all of the evil into one place and crush it. If my other neighbors continue thier aggressive attacks, I will invade thier homes, let there be no mistake but it must be done legally and morally. Blindly attacking a home is serious business and not to be entered into lightly. I find your line of questioning to be weak minded and shameful and ask why is it that you hate your family? Why would you sit idly by and allow threats to go unchallenged? If anyone is a weak coward, it is most certainly you and those like you.

At 9:11 a.m. my home was attacked by individuals who are aligned with my neighbor. While I was attending a my childs reading lesson at his elementary school, my shed was fire bombed by local terrorists aligned with my neighbor. Inside my shed... this is so hard :cry: ... inside my shed were my pet baby rabbits. Fortunately, I had a video camera that caught the entire attack on tape and one of the attackers left thier passport inside my shed. Though my shed was completely destroyed, the passport remained completely intact. There is overwhelming evidence linking my neighbor to this attack and this more than justifies my actions against him this past night. This evidence will be provided at a later date but once it's provided, the truth will clearly show how my neighbor not only conspired to attack me he also funded and aided these terrorists. These acts of violence cannot stand unanswered. For this terrible act of treachery, I will seize the mailman and torture him to find out waht he knows.

but you can use my garage for "whatever". I just need a few airplanes, and I have a neighbor who concerns me as well.

You wouldn't happen to have any spare hoods I could borrow? I've got 2 car batteries and some jumper cables but not one damn hood. How can I get any information without hooding him? Honestly, my kids never put anything away and I can never find it again once they get thier grubby little paws on my stuff.

Now, as to your enemies, I can guarantee that they will be more affable to you in the future once they learn who your freinds are. In fact, I'd bet they'd be willing to sit quietly by while you rape your own children, if that's your pleasure. See when you're allied with me, anything you want is okay. We are Christian Soldiers and ordained by God to lead the world in rightousness.

p.s. The planes are of course yours... my loyal and honorable freind. If you should need anything in the future, please don't hesitate to ask. If I don't have the money, I can always put it on my kids credit card. How bad could the interest be anyway?

I have put several stickers on my car that clearly say "support mikelewis".

I found them lying around all over the place.
Gee, if you turn 'em upside down.....

You sold your neighbor munitions over twenty years ago. You also propped him up and fed his ego.

the current crisis. Yes, my father aligned with this neighbor in his fight against a much greater evil but that time has long ago passed. Ever since I was attacked, the rules are now different. Everything is different. I cannot allow my freinds of convenience to become dictators over my home. It is my right to defend my family from outside aggression and secure the future of my way of life. They hate me because of my freedom and I will use any means necessary to destroy any threats to my continued existence.

put her nose into this whole mess and start sniffing and snooping around and then she'll tell us what's she found out about the dog pyramid thing and the melon launcher, and whatever else she and the other community leaders think we need to know.

But first she's really got to prioritize checking out some extremely important matters she's been hearing about. Glady told me that there's might be some rabid gerbils running around loose, and there might be sharks in the lake, and vampire bats in the trees, and crazy criminals on the loose and satantic cults forming up--in our neighborhood! And to top it all off, she heard that some VIP person MIGHT be having a baby.

So, she's really quite busy, you know, and doesn't have much time to get to the bottom of everything, all by herself.

So, to help Gladys out, she'd like all neighbors to please be ready for her visit, and when she comes calling, tell her what she needs to know in two sentences or less.

I will provide Gladys with all the information she needs to see the truth behind my acts of self-preservation. As per our original agreement, I will grant her embedded status and compensate her for her efforts in making sure the propaganda of the enemy does not drive our mission off track. Gladys is vital to the success of this operation and she is a true patriot. Also keep in mind, I do have the power to absolve her of any "crimes" she may have committed in pursuit of the successful completion of this mission. So she need not worry about getting a few things wrong as long as she has the best interest of my family at heart. However, should she turn against me, there is a certian white powder that I could mail her to make sure she returns to the fold.

You've got it down and nailed. Please use your insight for good, not evil. ;)

Good job -- :toast:

a long time ago. It's no wonder there's so many Republicans, you don't have to know anything as long as you have money and a wild imagination.

"It's no wonder there's so many Republicans, you don't have to know anything as long as you have money and a wild imagination."

That is one hell of a fucking quote. I've gotta memorize it so I can use it, if you don't mind :)

Or are you being facetious?

Who is your "Coalition of the Willing" (bought,coerced, paid for, threatened) that helped you take down this nefarious and evil tyrant?

*By the way, this is the funniest thread I have ever read on here. I am going to use this satire in my incessant arguements I have with my fellow wingnut Marines I work with. Bravo!!!)

I just head from Gladys that somebody said that your neighbor was actually INVITED to move into our neighborhood by that Clenis fellow, that it's all his fault this whacko guy is even in our neighborhood in the first place.