Need help fast - confronting a young thief.

I'm staying at a hotel and had an expensive ring stolen last night. The police confronted the young maid, who finally confessed and produced the ring. The police asked me if I wanted to press charges and I said that if I could talk to the girl face-to-face, I would decide then.

So - what would you do if you were me? They're waiting for her father and mother to come and then they're coming to my room. I could use a little input fast.

Whoever this young girl is, she needs something to teach her that there are consequences to crimes. Obviously her parents failed at that one!

I wouldn't demand jail, but I would push the issue for sure.

I don't think you can say "press charges medium rare, please". You push it, and the prosecutor WILL try to slap as much penalties as possible. Believe me, they will not be reasonable, they will not teach a lesson, they will try to punish the person AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. There are consequences, she will experience them, but pushing it is unreasonable and unnecessary.

Just to show you how screwed up our "justice" system is, in my own state (NJ) there is a 15 year old girl serving a minimum 50 year sentence. She'll be 65 when she gets out (hopefully).

A neighbor kid stole our car. I didn't know it since I was at work. Hubby called me and asked me what to do. I said, call athe cops. He did, and a rookie figured it was a kid and just might try to show off to his buddies. He did, and the cops caught his waiting at the bus stop for the school bus to show off to his buddies that he had a CAR!

We did push it, and the kid went to juvinile court. We attended. He was 15, and his Mopm's eacuse was that her sone would never do this because she went to church every day! The kid plead guilty and the ruling was that his parents had to pay us for the car (which he wricked in the process of fleeing the cops) and he was given 1 year probation.

As far as I know, he's never been in any trouble since.

It's still not worth it. I'm not sure what the age of the person in question is, but it is very unnecessary to press this sort of thing.

That kid did something really dumb, but he got a lesson out of it. However, I am pretty sure that there will be much more than a lesson out of this if it gets pressed. Furthermore, the ring was not harmed, and it was most likely in the process of being returned.

My friend stole his parents' car more than once, drove around over the speed limit without a license, and got caught. However, he only got his license availability postponed, and he's fine.

Even IF it goes like your experience (minimum, reasonable consequnces...which may be unlikely in this case for many reasons), the consequences of job loss, humiliation and getting the crap scared out of the person is more than enough.

ring up. She is probably really regretting it. She is going to lose her job. I'd drop it if she seems genuinely sorry.

I wouldn't involve myself emotionally by confronting her face to face. She stole an expensive item and part of her job is not invading guests security...if she is truly young and it is a first offense hopefully she will learn from it? Whether you press charges is up to you but don't make her escape from this easy, for HER sake.

Then drop it.

It worked when my son was skirting the law.

she'll lose her job, she'll be scared too.

I grew up without kneepads, helmets and seatbelts. I learned some pretty harsh lessons otherwise.

better to scare the shit out of them and not get somebody into some serious trouble. If you can be effective without getting the book thrown at some kid then I say do it.

It's a tried and true method.

a kid will screw up and get the book tossed at them. They then end up in Juvie or something and it turns them into career criminals. I know kids who just needed some guidance and they got jail. Once they came out they were screwed. You have to take responsibility for your actions of course, but it doesn't help when you are put into a situation that ingrains a criminal mindset into you. Better to try another route first. That's what I think.

As Barney Fife used to say, you've got to nip it in the bud.
Also, don't let them have a bullet.

Probably because I enjoy scaring people, because, in my own way, I'm an evil bastard, too.

and, hopefully, her parents will punish her. Try to get a read on her remorse and her parent's punishment. I would say not to press charges.

IMHO

The odd thing is, I know I should be really, really angry, but mostly I just feel very sad.

If she's young enough, and her folks are strict enough, It might be a very good "teaching moment" for her.

and the fact you are feeling that gives me hope that you will do the correct thing.

peace to you.
dp

I know it seems like a silly question, but if she is cute, please spare this poor wayward waif.

they know what to do over there....

:spank:

:rofl:

:hi:

So what if she was ugly in this person's opinion? Press charges? How rude!!!!

I am tipsy, my wife is out of town, and quite franky, I am dysfunctional when she is gone. I love her, and I need her, and I miss her. So, if I seem, a little too forgiving to the superior race, please forgive me. It is simply a natural reaction to the absence of my love, and the collateral damage her absence brings.

How many other folks has she victimized?

If she doesn't have a record she won't do any time and she's going to lose her job, anyway (or at least she better).

I have had way too much stuff stolen by housekeeping to gin up any sorrow for her.

These things never go away. She has a choice whether to build a life of guilt and shame over individual acts of stealing and hurting people; or putting this behind her and building a life of pride and accomplishment. What does she want to look back on when she's 30, 50, 70?

I was going to tell her that I'd faced cancer several years ago, and didn't know if I were going to make it or not, and that the thing I kept thinking about was whether I'd made a difference in the world. When I made it past five years, I bought this ring as a sort of visible symbol - something I look at all the time to again ask myself that question: Am I making the world a better place. What she did hurt me a lot, and will have ripples through many lives.

she's already going to lose her job, and any references she could have had from it. I would talk to her, evaluate her, ask her if she has a record. Has she done this before? You should be able to tell when you talk to her whether or not she deserves a break.

sounds like the police broke her spirit pretty quickly, and she realized how much trouble she was potentially in when caught, so she 'fessed up. If her parents apologize. . .and you can tell remorse in the maid's behavior, you might try to actually thank her for returning something so important and so meaningful to you.

You don't have any way to know what her motivation was, or if it was really just for money or for other reasons. Use your best judgement, and if you think maybe she won't pull something like this again, decide whether to intervene with the hotel so she can conditionally keep her job.

If she is defiant. . .well, treat her like you would a member of this insane Administration.

Or any other item? She still stole and stealing IS against the law.

But if she returned the car and it had no damage and no one was harmed and she was genuinely sorry - no, I probably wouldn't press charges.

In this case, she had the ring in her pocket today and told security she was trying to think of a way to get it back into my room.

Maybe I should be really angry, but for some reason I just can't find it in myself. I don't know why.

and that is a sorely lacking in many people these days. It is difficult to be angry when you don't know if it was just because she wanted to take it or maybe needs money for the family. Really, you don't know yet. Still it is wrong. I loved your story about why you have the ring and what it means to you. I think that might make all the difference in the world if you tell her that. Also the part about making a difference. That is a lesson that will do her much good in the future. Much more than jail will. I do know that when I was raising my boys that punishment did not help nearly as much as a lesson about right and wrong did.

and voluntarily surrendered unharmed to the police department. There is a difference between the two items, also - to steal my car, you'd have to break into it and then damage the car to get it started.

what is the harm in not pressing charges?

Sounds to me like she's learned her lesson. What bearing on MY life would destroying her life have?

None.

Either action I take, to press charges or to not press charges has absolutely no bearing on my life whatsoever.

So there is no point in doing it, in this case.

Let her live her life with the hope that perhaps my kind action will have a positive effect. Good kharma. Forgive and forget.

Try to work out a deal where she makes reparations by working voluntarily at some place where she can actually see people much worse off than herself.

I'm thinking maybe she steals because she sees people with more material things in life and she makes assumptions she shouldn't make; for example, she thinks people who would have such a ring must be well off and therefore can afford to replace the item. Or maybe it's her way of getting back at people who are doing things (traveling) which she cannot afford.

Or maybe she's a klepto. Who knows. Go with your gut. She isn't your responsibility, but you will make an impression, however slight or major.

the fines that will be assessed and legal fees (you will have to testify if it goes to court) will be paid by her parents. Granted, they could have done a better job raising her, but kids do stray from their teachings sometimes.

She has definitely lost her job, and most likely is scared to death..

What she did was wrong..how much punishment is "enough" for her to get the message? That's the question.. The fact that she was caught so readily should be a clue to her, that she's not a very clever thief. Maybe she has already learned the lesson..

Most maids are honest.. My son left his gold neck chain and an expensive bracelet that we gave him for graduation..on the side of the bathtub.

Before he had even gotten up nerve to tell me, the hotel called and said they had found the jewelry and would be sending it special delivery to my house.. I asked for the name of the room maid who found it, and we sent her a $100 reward..

We had carpet cleaners in our house.

As soon as they left we noticed two diamond rings missing, one my wife's wedding ring.

We called the police.

The owner of the business who was at the house with a young employee called us up and asked what we were missing. He said the young man was his daughter's worthless boyfriend that he had just given a job to.

He said he'd beat the crap out of the young man until he got our rings back.

He called an hour later with the rings.

The police asked us what we wanted to do?

We thought and thought and eventually decided not to press charges.

Our reasoning was that it would ruin the kid's life and it wuld also hurt the man's small business since crimes here are listed in the paper. He was an immigrant from Mexico and we have used him for ten years without any problem. We thought he was a victim too.

The end of the story is that we should have pressed charges.

We had the man over again to clean carpets recently, and we asked him what became of the young man.

He said he is still worthless, no longer working for him of course, still with his daughter, and his daughter is now pregnant by him.

I think a conviction may have chased the daughter away from him. Or maybe not.

Anyway, hope my experience helps your situation.

No way. She will face unreasonable and unjustified consequences. The prosecutor will try to slap as much punishment, no matter how unfair, as possible.

She confessed, she got caught, she'll loose her job (I can't see her not losing it). That is punishment enough. Please, don't push it. If I were in either of the two pairs of shoes, that's what I would like to happen.

wayward young girl. If you can meet with her alone, tell her your options and explain that her destiny is in your hands. Find out her motivation and then make the impression reflect inwards asking her what would she do if she were you.

It might produce a new person. You can make a much better judgment as you talk to her. Set that as a condition with the police that they allow you to spend the needed time.

if she is sincere there is no reason to drag her thru the court system. she`ll lose her job and hopefully her parents will decide to get her some help

disadvantaged the girl and her family is. I did have something similar happen to me when I lived in Chile. Someone broke into my room and stole a pair of earrings of mine. I told my mother and said I wanted to report it to the police. She asked me not to.

She said I had plenty of earrings and that it was most likely a small child who got into my room to grab the earrings considering the size of the window he crawled through. She told me they would probably torture him if they had a suspicion as to whom it might be until he told them what he did with the earrings.

I always remembered that. I also know today that the biggest thieves are not poor disadvantaged people, but guys with yachts who play golf in the best country clubs while they make their money on the backs of the poor.

instantaneous remorse.
She stole from you. She made the decision to steal from you. Let her face the consequences.

that she had also decided to return it...

Temper Justice with Mercy..

How?

I'm not sure if there was a specified time frame to how long it took for her to confess under questioning.

The consequences through the courtroom are neither reasonable nor necessary. That is not worth punishing someone, scaring their reputation for life because of a bad decision.

She stole from him or her, but that does not nearly warrant such consequences at all.

What happened to forgiveness?

One would think so with all of your dire warnings about the draconian consequences that she is facing.
Look, she made a very bad decision. She made a very bad decision.

No. But putting any young person through the courts is a little on the unnecessary side, wouldn't you agree?

We can agree that she made a very bad decision, but she's already facing a lot of consequences, so why pile it on? Actually, I'm not sure if there is a real reason to do so.

I don't know all the circumstances, but as an outside observer, that is what looks like the best thing to do.

Apparently, she is quite the habitual thief.
"What is the nature of a thing?" A thief steals.

did we know that when we were giving advice? No, so it is largely void in this discussion.

Secondly, sending a habitual thief to the slammer won't help matters. It's largely a mental thing. She needs to work out some problems, something a trip to the court will not solve.

and what is the nature of a thief? A thief steals. And more often than not, it's not the first time (particularly considering her age- we weren't talking about some inept 8 year old caught with a handful of purloined Bubble Yum)

You are aware that Che thought that people should face the consequences of their actions, aren't you? That is one of the many reasons that I also admire him greatly.

How many other people has she done this to? Will she continue to do it. What was her reason for taking it?

Talk with the cops and find out what she could be charged with..a felony or a misdemeanor. When you speak to her, do your best to find out if she's really remorseful.

Good Luck..keep us posted.

One that nobody will be able to answer. How many times has it happened before she got caught?

I would prosecute, but I'm biased. It happened to me at a motel and I never got my jewelry back.

wedding band in the bathroom in a motel when I went swimming, because the cold water made the rings slide off. They were stolen from my room.

My (then) husband had designed the ring, and the wedding band was the one my mother had worn when she got married (I was the first of the kids in my family to get married). It was more than just a financial loss--it was a very real emotional loss.

I stayed in a motel in WV a few years ago. I left my grandma's sapphire ring set in my unlocked suitcase in the room when I left for dinner, along with an expensive watch and some other fairly valuable jewelry. I came back to the room and it was all gone. Those rings were given to me by my grandma when I was 16. They were originally a gift to her from my grandad who died in 1953. The motel manager wouldn't do damn thing. I could've lived with the loss of the other things but those rings could never be replaced. I know my Grandma never got over it.

I like the comment above to see if you can cause her to do some community service, along with your gut and talking with her and her parents.

consequences tempered with compassion

she's going through right now is plenty. Kids can make very poor decisions, and can be set straight with dodging a bullet. I have a feeling this reality will cure her. Like I said, I don't know her but would be willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

OK, so security brings the girl and her father down to my room. The girl is shaking and crying so hard it's difficult to communicate at first. I get her to sit down. She apologizes for taking the ring, knows that it was wrong and is sorry. She said she brought it back with her this morning to turn it over to security, but there was no way to get to my room and she knew she'd have to 'fess up, but hadn't gotten the courage to say anything until it was too late.

I told her that she had hurt me very much by taking the ring. I told her the story about it, which made her start sobbing hysterically - her dad had to sit with her. When she calmed down I told her that I didn't want to press charges, that I felt getting involved with the courts hadn't helped any of the other kids I'd worked with, and that the only thing I think HAD ever helped was the kid finally confronting their own conscience. My gut told me that she was getting close to that, but I'm not sure if she was there yet.

She kept apologizing. We got up to end the discussion and the security guy said, "You understand that you are no longer welcome on the grounds for any reason, you may not visit friends, attend a school function - anything."

After the parent and daughter left, the security guy talked to me a bit, saying that she was in therapy. Evidently she has stolen from other guests, but has sent the stuff back in the mail to them. No one else had even mentioned the thefts. Sounds like classic klepto to me.

I don't know if I did the right thing, but there you have it.

about the security guard's story - I mean if they know she has a propensity to take things, why in the heck do they have her working in a tempting situation? That part doesn't make sense to me.

She was getting people's addresses from somewhere in the room and then mailing stuff directly back to them. They hadn't ever reported anything missing.

I have no doubt that they would have fired her on the spot if they'd known - it is the Broadmoor.

who stole something small from every store she went in. It was just for the thrill she told me. She got caught and had to go to the police station but since it was just something small they just scared her. She did it a few days later and continued the behavior until her father caught her. It was him sitting down with her and talking to her that stopped her from doing it again. He taught her the consequence to others not to her and that was what changed her. She had only been thinking of herself.

What you did was probably almost as difficult for you as it was for her. If it does not stop her I can bet at some point it will sink in and she will remember and perhaps stop this behavior.

I think you did the right thing. In retrospect after hearing she has done it before I am not as certain as I was before but still, sometimes compassion makes a bigger difference than punishment. At least you had the opportunity and compassion to do it.

She's a young girl, she's in therapy and was very shaken up. You showed compassion, forgiveness and understanding. Well done.

I suspect you wouldn't have been comfortable yourself with a different decision.

Prosecution and incarceration would only have improved technique.
That said, if I were the parent of a child in therapy for kleptomania, I might suggest a different line of work.

That's just what my partner said when I called him tonight.

I think it's as good as facing a courtroom, maybe better. If she has any conscience at all, facing the actual person she stole from is bound to have a greater impact than a detached judge and picking up trash along the road. When the idea of community service was first introduced, I had thought this would be how it would work, that offenders would have to do service directly connected to their victim and crime, real amends. That isn't always possible, I realize. But when it is, I think understanding that crimes hurt real people in real ways would have an impact.

It's not a matter of stealing for some sort of need or because she actually wanted it - most Kleptomaniacs are almost in an obsessive state when they pick up the item; it's almost like they're back to a state of a two or three year old that sees something "shiny" and just picks it up and carries it around unit they realize that they've done something wrong.

I've had expensive things stolen by those who meant to steal them, and I've had small or attractive items "taken" by children or people who were attracted to them and couldn't seem to help themselves. Personally I think you've done the right thing.

I also think that like someone with a toddler, the girl's parents had best keep her from a job where attractive things are not within reach - like a file clerk or some similar job - until she gets her compulsions under control.

Justice is only revenge if not tempered by mercy and understanding. It's obvious this girl has a problem and apparently knows and is trying to overcome it - unless there's no other way to get treatment for her compulsions, throwing her into the cogs of the penal system won't help her.

Haele

she's probably not some kind of habitual thief. There's no excuse EVER for stealing but maybe she is going through some kind of desperate situation that would blow our minds.

If this was me, I'd just be thankful I got my ring back. I would try to make her feel for the situation by sitting down with her and telling her that if she's that desperate for money that she should've just asked for some to borrow until she could afford to pay it back. It might open her mind up a bit.

BTW, I hope you never leave your ring sitting around in your room again when you're not there. Love all but trust few.

duh, I know. And there's a safe right there in the room. I just don't know why I didn't put it away safely. Dumb move on my part too, not that it excuses her behavior. But there's no good in tempting fate.

see post 48

I don't quite get your meaning

"She said she brought it back with her this morning to turn it over to security, but there was no way to get to my room and she knew she'd have to 'fess up, but hadn't gotten the courage to say anything until it was too late."

If she hadn't fessed up yet, and if she was still a maid, why couldn't she have gotten to your room like any other maid?

"You understand that you are no longer welcome on the grounds for any reason, you may not visit friends, attend a school function - anything."

What does school have to do with anything? Why would the security guard tell her that? This was a hotel where she was working, was it not? Sorry if I'm being thick, but I'm not following you on these parts.

This is a really large hotel, and the same maids don't work the same rooms every day. Their keys only allow access to the rooms they're assigned to for that day. So there was no way for her to get into my room.

School- she's 18 yrs old, so could be invited to a party or something at the hotel. Almost all functions are held here at some time or another.

There is NO situation so bad that involving the cops and courts can't make worse.

As long as I got the ring back, I wouldn't press charges.
It's hard to know what is happening, but cleaning hotel rooms is extremely hard work.
I'd have to wonder why a young girl is doing that type of work--why does she need money that bad?
Cut the kid a break...and hope that she learned a lesson.
She will definitely lose her job over it, don't kick her while she is down.

is the scariest thing. I used to habitually shoplift when I was in high school, and the one time I thought I was about to be caught scared me so much, I never stole anything again.

I'd say scare the crap out of her. She'll get that waht she did was wrong.

I did something last year that I will probably remember the rest of my life...I cheated on a lab in my computer science class--I stole someone else's program and turned it in as my own. I don't know what made me do it other than complete desperation (the due date was the next day).

I got caught, and I was hysterical...convinced that I was getting booted out of school, that my life was over...and to make matters worse, the kid I stole from? She was one of my friends.

It is quite possibly the worst thing I have ever done, but my professor and the head of the department were merciful. They did exactly what the OP did, or a reasonable facsimile--they told me that if I needed help in class, I should ask for it--not rip off someone else's code.

Safe to say, I learned my lesson. My friend even forgave me--I was EXTREMELY fortunate.

Because it may teach a lesson this time. Letting her go will only encourage more thievery.

Giving her a "get out of jail" card sends the wrong message and makes the OP an enabler. A "scolding" doesn't do much to discourage further bad behavior. Now she thinks a few well-timed tears will get her off the hook the next time she pulls a stunt like this. And the next time, the stakes may be even higher. There is no excuse for her behavior and the maid needs to learn there are consequences to inappropriate actions.

I used to be a "bleeding heart Liberal" who thought a little love, support and understanding was the answer to everything but experience taught me the hard way that evil exists and must be directly confronted with "tough love".

She might earn a bad beating or even be killed despite her tears. Nip it in the bud with a little "Scared Straight" therapy.

Oh well. Not much can be done now.

I got my own ass kicked for a similar lapse of judgement. Years later I'm glad I did.

Well, it sounds like you made your decision.

My first instinct would be to press charges, esp. if she's done this before (and it sounds like she has.)

My grandmother's wedding ring was stolen off of her, while she was in the nursing home - I don't recall what happened - she did get t back - the nursing home caught her. though IMO, that type of person is the lowest of the low - who would steal off of a helpless elderly person they are supposed to be taking care of.

Well anyhow how does she know that the ring didn't mean a great deal to you (and sounds like it did). If you steal something like that, or a wedding ring, it's more than just a ring - it's something you can't really replace in terms of sentimental value.

Meg

The hospitality industry, more than most others, relies on a steady supply of warm bodies. Most of the jobs suck--long hours for minimum wage and no benefits, no matter what hotel you work for. Hence, if someone walks into your hotel and asks for a job as a housekeeper, you'll probably hire them.

You're thinking a references check would weed these people out, right? Wrong. When you check someone's references for most hourly positions, you can ask exactly two things: did this person work for you, and what is the timeframe of their employment? You can't ask why the person left the company. You can't ask about competence, manners, whether the person likes to come to work smelling like goat shit...anything. If you ask, the former employer can and will get sued for "defamation of character." I think you can ask about those things if you're hiring a professional, but hotel housekeepers don't fall into that classification.

Hence, Mary Jones can steal things from the room she's cleaning, and so long as the guest refuses to press charges, Mary can take her terminated butt down to Holiday Inn, tell 'em "I quit working at Sleep Inn," and all Holiday Inn can do is take her word for it. Then when someone catches Mary stealing at Holiday Inn and refuses to press charges, Mary can move to the Radisson and continue her crime spree...until someone stands up and says "enough."

I was shooting the shit with my HR guy one day and he told me he no longer calls references. "There's no reason to. The only thing you can ask about--dates of employment--no one would intentionally lie about. No one I know does it either." These days, it's quicker and more informative to run a police records check. The only way you can get something derogatory on there is to press charges.

Now listen close: depending on how overloaded the local prosecutor is, some of them won't take a misdemeanor-level theft to court. They're trying to lock up murderers and Republican politicians, so they'll give the misdemeanor thieves what amounts to a traffic ticket--$25 plus court costs, go and sin no more. This is why we quit trying to bust every associate who steals from us--the prosecutor literally told us he wasn't going to touch misdemeanor associate theft with all the crack and meth he's got to deal with. He also gave us a friendly word of advice: if they think they can get away with it, they'll continue to steal until they accumulate enough dollar value to cross into felony territory--and he WILL take a felony case. So basically the misdemeanant gets canned, gets a $125 slap on the wrist, and gets to learn the joys of trying to get a job when she has an employee-theft conviction in your criminal record. There's lots of work out there at places where the employer only cares that you show up and do your duty--okay, you'll be butchering chickens or filling potholes--so I don't feel too guilty about throwing a housekeeper out in the cold.

Call this a rather harsh life lesson.

The ring's value was more than $3,000, so it would have been a felony.

About the references, your HR guy is wrong on one point, you can ask, "Would you hire her back." This is as telling a question as anything. We always call references.

Yeah, I made the decision, and I'm OK with it, but I could have gone either way. I understand your points and they're valid. I just couldn't do it - especially after I met with her. Maybe I'm just a soft touch, maybe I saw something there, but I think I did the right thing. Guess we'll never really know.

Even though she returned it. She needs to understand that there are consequences for criminal behavior.

Community service would be a good plan.

Well, I just got a call from the Colorado Springs police, saying they had arrested this girl after all. Turns out that she had stolen from a number of other guests on the same night, so she's toast.

It's too bad, really. Hope she can get some help.

Judging by some of the, er, "liberals" here, that would be their response...