My exlover and I took in a gay teen

some many years ago. She lived with us for a couple of years before she got into relationships and moved out. We were like her daddies and she was like our daughter.

Anyway, she now lives with her girlfriend who is mentally ill and they kind of feed off each other's craziness. I always thought the relationship harmless until yesterday....

I went to go visit her at work and she has a new tattoo of a word on the front of her neck, right there below her chin. It sticks out like a sore thumb and looks terrible. I was in shock,I thought it was a joke at first, no way could that be permanent. I had to look away and avoiding laying my eyes on it.

I was just wondering, is it wrong for me to be so shocked? I don't want to hurt her, but I totally feel like I have to tell her what a dumb thing she did. Would knowing what the word was be relevant to all of this?
Edited to add: No way she would have gotten this tattoo three years ago, I totally blame this on her crazy girlfriend.

I would urge her to go to counseling. It seems she wants attention at any cost, and that can be dangerous.

What a place for a tat! It will be nearly impossible to remove it from that area, too.

I understand completely, since this will affect her employability down the line, no matter what the word is.

Just be aware that there is decent concealer out there for that time down the road when she rediscovers her brains.

She had other tats altered because she got them when she was younger and she wanted more mature tats.

PRAY in big bold letters.

as a woman involved with a crazy woman... as well as a tattoo coverup kit would be what I would do.

That word tattooed on a person's neck seems to have a motivation behind it that you arent going to be able to fix.

Good luck

Nevertheless, like someone said, that will affect her employability because it's a tatoo. Right, wrong or indifferently, they won't hire her for a customer service job meeting the public.

Regardless, get the girl into counseling asap. If there are no health care benefits that will cover it, find a MHMR program somewhere. They're out there. Just look.

:spank: :spank: :spank: :spank:

... I'd say to share your concerns.

You're in a funny spot, not having been her parents for her whole life. But I think people need trusted, more experienced people in their lives.

Especially if she's involved in a crazy relationship, it might be good for her to know she has a safety net somewhere.

It is a dumb thing. She's not going to have that great taut skin for ever. It doesn't matter what the word is. I really hate tattoos, mainly because they are pretty much permanent. The piercing fad, although I think can be quite disquieting, is not permanent. Tattoos are very hard and very expensive to remove. However, the damage is done. She made the decision, and she now has to live with it. I'm thinking I should get into the "medical" field that removes tattoos. I give it 5 years before all these youngsters, when they hit 30 realise that their skin is drooping, and that lovely little butterfly over their left breast? Now looks like Mothra.

Bottom line, it's HER THING and she is responsible for it.

I'm assuming she's an adult, and therefore responsible for her decisions. However, being an adult legally and being one mentally are not necessarily the same thing. Again, the OP can do nothing. My best advice would be to say nothing. If this was a bad decision (on her part) then eventually, that will come out.

but for now, my mouth is totally shut.

It doesn't matter if we are Gay/Lesbian or Straight parents. I don't think none of us would like to see our kids with any markings on their face or neck. I wouldn't care if my kid got a tattoo on their arms, legs, back or chest but it would be a big no no on the hands or face area. I would say some thing too.

I do feel like I have to say something though, but I am going to wait until the shock wears off.

breath and think it over. This is your kid weather she has been with you since a baby or a teenager doesn't matter. You must have cared and loved this young women to have opened your home to her when others didn't. But I think the major problem is her girlfriend. If you think this women is not the type of women your child should have in her life, it has to be hard on you too. Just remember to love your kid and to be by her side when this whole mess comes to a end, because she will need her dad.

I just wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting to all of this.

I just hope that everything works out.

:evilgrin:

Seriously, you may throw that out at some opportune time. If she's in a relationship with someone unstable, she needs some support and guidance.

.... it just makes me more aware - if that's possible - that gay relationships are really comparable to straight relationships.

Any straight could have told a similar story about a straight kid they'd taken in and the kid got into a damaging relationship with an opposite sex partner.

Gay, straight, or whatever... lotta assholes out there.

...I got a "crazy" and hard to cover-up tat in my wild youth. Although the throat is pretty hardcore. But there may be a desire for something "tangible and permanent", not altogther uncommon in the body-mod scene. There are also those that feel by the time they do want it removed, the technology will be there to rewind the modifications.

I wouldn't really think much of it one way or another. Maybe comment that it will be hard and time-consuming to cover it up. But I'd be more curious about the psychological underpinnings of why she found it necessary.

That sentence just jumped out at me: "... is it wrong for me to be so shocked?"

Oh, honey, nothing you feel is ever wrong. They're YOUR emotions, they're what you are, and they're pure and genuine. Don't ever measure your honest emotional reaction to anything against what you think you SHOULD be experiencing.

We both know, don't we, that the most dangerous word in the English language is "should".

There's no blame here. Your girl did what she wanted to do, for whatever her reasons might be. There is a moment in the lives of all parents where you realize you've possibly raised not a kid but a rutabaga, and you sigh and let it go and hope the kid will snap out of it.

That tattoo can be removed when she gets her head together and comes to you for help. Until then, you just have to look away and keep in mind that it's her life, no matter how moronic it seems to you.

Bless your heart, though. You're a good person.

I was halfway expecting to get flamed for all of this, I feel much better.

You will not gain anything whatsoever by telling her "what a dumb thing she did". She doesn't live with you and it's her business and it's her throat.

Worse, maybe she already knows was a "dumb" thing to do and is feeling lousy about it, even if she says otherwise. So pointing it out will only alienate her from you.

If you want to truly help her, then find something else that you can truly do to help her. That would be the loving thing to do.

So, obviously, making her feel worse isn't goign ot help. She clearly wants attention, and could probably use some. Jsut be there for her, listen, talk, and be a friend/parental figure. Time heals most wounds, for everything else, theirs lasers.

she cooks in a healthfood store and works in a progressive coffee shop and literally has FANS who come and seek her out to be with her all the time. She doesn't need any more attention.

it certainly is odd.No argument here. But like I said, there's only so muc hyou can do, and it doesn't change who she is. It may limit her career options, but, shes' still the same person.

I can't figure it out. But thanks for the advice,I'll be there for her. She may have already gotten negative reaction and already knows it was a mistake.

She could be doing worse. You could give her advice as a friend, not as a "parent", but keep in mind that there are a lot of kids out there in worse shape (since all you've described is an ugly tattoo).

Is the other girl diagnosed mentally ill, or just strange? Tough spot. People have the right to screw up their own lives, but it's tough to stand by and watch.

Maybe another tack might be to invite her to gay-friendly social functions that attract a more say, goal-oriented or intellectual crowd. Sometimes a change of scene and exposure to more interesting people can inspire a desire for self-improvement. It happened to me, anyway...

She has two jobs. Her girlfriend was diagnosed, she hears voices, refuses meds.

Like I said in another post, she is very popular in our neighborhood and hosts poetry readings and artwalks and is very involved with the community. That is another reason I can't believe she did it,she's going to get a lot of negative reaction and she knows this, she just doesn't care.

Non-conformity is great, but it takes a little age and perspective to realize that a little can go a long way. At least she is involved in positive activities, so I wouldn't despair too much.

:)

She really is something else.