George W. Bush's resume (with a few enhancments)

George W. Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC

Past work experience:

· Ran for congress and lost, 1976.

· Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie, ‘The Hitcher’, 1986.

· Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil, company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock, 1990.

· Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal with a loan of $600,000 and I later sold that land back to the tax-payers for $15 million in 1993. Biggest regret in life: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.

· With fathers help (and his name), and good men like Ken Lay on Enron, was elected Governor of Texas, 1994.

Accomplishments: Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union. Under my leadership Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America. Under my leadership I cut taxes and nearly bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money. Set record for most executions by any Governor in American history.

· Became president in 2001 after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my father’s appointments to the Supreme Court.

Accomplishments as president:

· Attacked and took over two countries; achieved chaos Afghanistan, and martial law in Iraq.

· Squandered the entire projected $5.6 trillion dollar surplus and bankrupted the treasury.

· Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history ($455 billion and counting).

· Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

· Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock and financial markets.

· First president in US history to enter office with a criminal record (3 arrests actually).

· Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

· First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in US history.

· After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in US history.

· Set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips than any other president in US history.

· Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in US history.

· Passed two faith-based tax cuts, and in my first two years in office over 2.4 million Americans lost their jobs.

· First US president to establish a secret shadow government. (Hid this detail from Congress too)

· Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans as part of my compassionate conservative policies.

· Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.

· Signed more laws and executive orders circumventing the Constitution than any president in US history.

· Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in US history.
· Presided over major energy crises in California and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.

· Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in US history.

· Set the all-time record for most home foreclosures in a 12-month period.

· Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.

· Dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.

· My “restore honor and integrity” government has succeeded in being the most secretive and un-accountable of any in US history.

· Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. (the 'poorest' multi-millionaire, Condoleeza Rice has an Chevron oil tanker named after her).

· Had more states to simultaneously go bankrupt than any president in the history of the United States.

· Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.

· Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.

· Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in US history.

· First president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the human rights commission.

· First president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the elections monitoring board.

· Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US history.

· Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant. Rendered most of our European allies irrelevant too.

· Withdrew from the World Court of Law, Anti-ballistic Missile Treaty (ABM), and Kyoto Protocol.

· Refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.

· First president in US history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US elections).

· All-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.

· My biggest life-time campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).

· Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US history.

· First president in US history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.

· First president to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1).

· Took the biggest world sympathy for the US after 911, and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).

· Fist US president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.

· With a policy of 'dis-engagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.

· First US president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the US than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.

· Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated US law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.

· Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive'. Failed to kill or capture Saddam Hussein.

· Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capitol building. After 21 months I have no leads and zero suspects.

· In the 20 months following the 911 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.

· Implemented my ‘uniter not a divider’ strategy, and in a little over two years I have created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the US has ever been since the civil war.

· Entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than two years turned every single economic category straight down. Enronized government reports that reflect future financial obligations.

· Have not had an affair with a White House intern, but I was responsible for 3,000 American civilians killed on September 11, 2001, and thousands of innocent civilians killed in Afghanistan and Iraq.

· A couple hundred U.S. soldiers have been killed and continue to be killed daily under my leadership.

Records and References:

· At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine, 1976 (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).

· AWOL from National Guard and Deserted the military during a time of war (1971-1972).

· Refused to take drug test while in National Guard (1972) or even answer any past questions about drug use.

· Unauthorized 1999 biography exposed my arrest for possession of cocaine in Houston, 1972. (Performed community service in 5th Ward and my record was expunged. Biographer, T. Hatfield, committed suicide in 2001.)

· All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my fathers library, sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.

· All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.

· All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.

· Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public review.

· For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (They can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)

My only concern is that it makes him look a little TOO good. No matter, there will be plenty of right wing republican corporations with ties to daddy who will reward his "meritorious" service to his constituency (the halliburtons of the world) with a 7 figure salary where he can sit in his office, drink beer & cheat at solitare while he occasionally smiles for the camera with the prestige of an ex-president of the US.