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25 Rules For Being A Good Republican
1) Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime,
unless you are millionaire conservative radio jock,
which makes it an "illness" and needs our prayers for
your "recovery".
2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth
achieve success all on their own.
3) You have to believe that the US should get out of the
UN, and that our highest national priority is enforcing
UN resolutions against Iraq.
4) You have to believe that government should stay out of
people's lives but it needs to punish anyone caught having
private sex with the "wrong" gender.
5) You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it
makes a profit.
6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you
don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
7) "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers
and moving their jobs to India.
8) You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with
decisions about her own body, but that large multi-national
corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind with
no regulation whatsoever.
9) You have to believe that you love Jesus and Jesus loves
you, and that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims,
homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.
10) You hate the ALCU for representing convicted felons, but
they owed it to the country to bail out Oliver North.
11) You have to believe that the best way to encourage military
morale is to praise the troops overseas while cutting their VA
benefits.
12) You believe that group sex and drug use are degenerate sins
that can only be purged by running for governor of California
as a Republican.
13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of
schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms
they won't have sex.
14) You have to believe that the best way to fight terrorism
is to alienate our allies and then demand their cooperation
and money.
15) You have to believe that government medicare is wrong
and that HMO's and insurance companies only have your best
interests at heart.
16) You have to believe that providing health care to all
Iraqis is sound government policy but providing health care
to all Americans is socialism personified.
17) You believe that tobacco's link to cancer and global
warming are "junk science", but Creationism should be taught
in schools.
18) You have to believe that waging war with no exit strategy
was wrong in Vietnam but right in Iraq.
19) You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan
armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a
good guy when Cheney was doing business with him, and a bad
guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
20) You believe that government should restrict itself to
just the powers named in the Constitution, which includes
banning gay marriages and censoring the internet.
21) You have to believe that the public has a right to know
about the adulterous affairs of Democrats, while those of
Republicans are a "private matter".
22) You have to believe that the public has a right to know
about Hillary's cattle trades but that Bush was right to
censor those 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report
because you just can't handle the truth.
23) You support state rights, which means Ashcroft telling
states what locally passed voter initiatives he will allow
them to have.
24) You have to believe that what Clinton did in the 1960's
is of vital national interest but what Bush did decades later
is "stale news" and "irrelevant".
25) You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because
it is communist, but trading with China and Vietnam is just
dandy.
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